Picture the scene,
Chav1: Oi, Cedric.... How much fackin' shit ya looted so fah blud?
Chav2: Fack me Cecil, so far I have stolen 4 Chicken breasts in BBQ sauce, a bottle of tomato ketchup.... I picked up the 510g squeezy plastic bottle so when I throw it I don't seriously injure anyone AND I got a fun size bag of mars bars.!
Chav1: Nice one, we really need to go and kick in the windows of Oxfam and the British heart foundation on the high street..... The filthy corporate fat cats are a major factor in the economical instability of our country!
Chav2: Let's fackin' do it, but Cecil...... Why are we even fackin' rioting?
This is pretty much how it'll be for 99% of these filthy, no good, uneducated gonks. They are jumping on the bandwagon without a clue what they are doing. Long lost is the initial reason of the ill feeling. The police shot dead a man that was allegedly a gun wielding, crack cocaine dealing gang member and the family rightly went to the police station for answers. They peacefully protested to ask for a senior police officer to come out and explain what the situation was.
What happened then was what happens every time somebody decides to make a statement, the scum floats to the surface. Now I'm not the biggest fan of the police, but I recognise their vital role in more often than not holding society reasonably steady and stable. The police were never going to be able to contain the trouble that was bound to escalate rapidly, and that's where the government must take the blame. Theresa May just popped up on the news telling us that this "Criminality" will be punished to the "full extent of the law".
What she actually meant was something entirely different. She was thinking how unfair it was that Cameron and his family had been allowed to go on holiday when she'd already put her name down on the whiteboard calendar! She knew it was all going to kick off and she'd booked herself 2 weeks in the Laxfield bed and breakfast in Clacton-on-sea. (I love Clacton, I don't however love that poxy B+B!)
It's OK now though because David Cameron has called an urgent meeting of C.O.B.R.A (Cabinet Office Briefing Room A) they Should have named it Cabinet's Useless Numpty Twats (Or C.U.N.T.S) they are a bunch of slow acting, dream world dwelling, tree hugging pacifist fucks. They happily go to war for oil or to finish off a job that couldn't be completed in the past because George Bush the first had the tactical Nous of an apple.
BREAKING NEWS: The government have confirmed that along with a shield made from the lid off of a Ben 'n' Jerry's ice cream tub (500ml, not the small one!) and a little blunt stick, the police will now be allowed to shout the following threatening terms.
Go home! (To be followed by please sir/madam)
Put that television down! (or at the very least make sure you register the warranty card)
Don't throw bricks at me! (It might bounce up and hit an innocent rioter)
and finally...
DIE YOU FILTHY, THIEVING, NO GOOD RIOTING FUCK, FEEL MY BATON SMASHING YOUR SKULL SO HARD YOUR BRAIN SEEPS OUT OF YOUR LITTLE TOE! (well I made this one up but we all have dreams)
These gutter crawling bastards are jeopardising innocent lives, I just watched a woman crying her eyes out because her apartment block has just been burned down, nearly with her in it.
The time has come for drastic measures, Send in the army, let them go wild... especially the ones that have just come back from the horrors of an Afghan tour where they have seen their friends blown up or shot dead. I'm sure our brave lads could do with a little bit of Chav smashing R+R.
Break out the dogs, Live ammunition and air strikes. It's time we shot a few of these bastards and left their bodies to rot in the street as a reminder that this country is not afraid to react when her hand is forced.
And for any of you lucky fuckers that managed to pick up a TV from Curry's in Peckham high street, I hope you remembered to pick up the remote control or you're going to have to run the gauntlet one more time. Oh and make sure you grab some batteries.
Thieving gypsy shits, get fucked the lot of you.
Much love,
Dave x x x
Monday, 8 August 2011
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
It costs HOW MUCH???
With the school summer holidays now upon us I have been looking for activities and days out to keep Katie amused. Six weeks is a long time when you have a bored child on your hands. One of the things Kelly and I have considered is the Cinema. That was until I saw the price of the bloody tickets!
A few months ago I remember reading an article claiming that Cinema's are really struggling to stay open. They cited film piracy as a major reason. Well cinema's I have news for you, if you didn't charge the same price as a week in Australia to see a film maybe people wouldn't download films in such vast quantities!
Let's take cars II in 3D for example:
2 x Adult tickets @ £9.40 each (I mean really? I could nearly buy a new kidney for that much money!)
1 x Child's ticket @ £7.30 (because a child uses less of a seat??)
3 x 3D Glasses @ £0.80 each (Sorry? I don't get glasses included in the price? For £9.40 each I was expecting a fucking butler to hand feed me gold leafed popcorn!!!)
£28.50 for three of us to watch a film, that's not expensive it's theft, it's an absolute bloody rip off! I actually felt dirty and violated after reading the prices online and nearly had to have a shower! But the bastards are not finished there!!!
£0.70 each for a booking fee! Taking our spend on tickets and 3D glasses (they'd better be fucking designer!) to a staggering £30.60!
As if this isn't bad enough they have snack police on hand to confiscate your smuggled maltesers and drinks! Last time I went there was some fat bearded goon collecting tickets and looking in customers bags for any concealed dorito's. It felt like I was being ushered into a maximum security prison, never before have I had a cinema attendant checking out my meat and 2 veg with such scrutiny in case it was a hot dog lodged down my pants. I've got news for you fatso, it's not a dog........
I can see why people sneak chocolate and drinks in though, the prices are beyond a fucking joke now.
£1.50 for a small bottle of water, probably siphoned off from the drainage ditch at the back's of the colleges.
£4.00 for a couple of nachos in a tiny little cardboard tub, £3.50 for a bag of pissing Revels!
You'll need to take out a second mortgage for a small cup of pick 'n' mix at £45 per 10 grams! (OK I may have exaggerated that price a little, but not by much)
So yeah add on to the price of our tickets the following snacks:
1 x bottle of water @ £1.50
2 x Medium coca cola's (Diet for me, My body is a temple!) @ £2.55
1 x Revels @ £3.50
1 x Maltesers @ £3.50
1 x Popcorn @ £4.49
You have a grand total of £48.69 to watch a cartoon that lasts less than 2 hours! But wait, there's more! (I always loved that line off of the TV infomercials!) £5.20 for the parking!
£53.89 for 2 hours entertainment, I've not even seen hookers that charge that much money for 2 hours..... (not that I ever really looked too hard).
So in conclusion, Cinema's are legalised fraudsters. They rip us off in a huge way to watch something on a big screen in a seat that smells of piss and feels sticky to the touch. I'll wait for the DVD, let Katie sit 3" from the television and buy her a £1 bag of popcorn, Cine world.... GET FUCKED!
Goodnight and much love.
Dave.
A few months ago I remember reading an article claiming that Cinema's are really struggling to stay open. They cited film piracy as a major reason. Well cinema's I have news for you, if you didn't charge the same price as a week in Australia to see a film maybe people wouldn't download films in such vast quantities!
Let's take cars II in 3D for example:
2 x Adult tickets @ £9.40 each (I mean really? I could nearly buy a new kidney for that much money!)
1 x Child's ticket @ £7.30 (because a child uses less of a seat??)
3 x 3D Glasses @ £0.80 each (Sorry? I don't get glasses included in the price? For £9.40 each I was expecting a fucking butler to hand feed me gold leafed popcorn!!!)
£28.50 for three of us to watch a film, that's not expensive it's theft, it's an absolute bloody rip off! I actually felt dirty and violated after reading the prices online and nearly had to have a shower! But the bastards are not finished there!!!
£0.70 each for a booking fee! Taking our spend on tickets and 3D glasses (they'd better be fucking designer!) to a staggering £30.60!
As if this isn't bad enough they have snack police on hand to confiscate your smuggled maltesers and drinks! Last time I went there was some fat bearded goon collecting tickets and looking in customers bags for any concealed dorito's. It felt like I was being ushered into a maximum security prison, never before have I had a cinema attendant checking out my meat and 2 veg with such scrutiny in case it was a hot dog lodged down my pants. I've got news for you fatso, it's not a dog........
I can see why people sneak chocolate and drinks in though, the prices are beyond a fucking joke now.
£1.50 for a small bottle of water, probably siphoned off from the drainage ditch at the back's of the colleges.
£4.00 for a couple of nachos in a tiny little cardboard tub, £3.50 for a bag of pissing Revels!
You'll need to take out a second mortgage for a small cup of pick 'n' mix at £45 per 10 grams! (OK I may have exaggerated that price a little, but not by much)
So yeah add on to the price of our tickets the following snacks:
1 x bottle of water @ £1.50
2 x Medium coca cola's (Diet for me, My body is a temple!) @ £2.55
1 x Revels @ £3.50
1 x Maltesers @ £3.50
1 x Popcorn @ £4.49
You have a grand total of £48.69 to watch a cartoon that lasts less than 2 hours! But wait, there's more! (I always loved that line off of the TV infomercials!) £5.20 for the parking!
£53.89 for 2 hours entertainment, I've not even seen hookers that charge that much money for 2 hours..... (not that I ever really looked too hard).
So in conclusion, Cinema's are legalised fraudsters. They rip us off in a huge way to watch something on a big screen in a seat that smells of piss and feels sticky to the touch. I'll wait for the DVD, let Katie sit 3" from the television and buy her a £1 bag of popcorn, Cine world.... GET FUCKED!
Goodnight and much love.
Dave.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Do not read if of a sensitive nature.
Last night Kelly was watching a TV show about a children's hospital. The work done by the doctors and nurses is phenomenal and I can't sing their praises loudly enough.
However, one woman on the program really made me so angry I was forced to turn the channel over because of how much of a horrible trampy slag whore she was.
Her child was born prematurely and had numerous medical issues including difficulty in breathing. The filthy, no good, lowlife slag gave birth to this child then when she was able to go home she did so, knowing that her baby was in a bad way. Obviously the baby had to stay and be treated, the mother (I use the term loosely) didn't visit her sick child for 15 days..... 15 FUCKING DAYS ! ! ! ! Worse than that the lowlife sack of shit wasn't even getting in contact to find out how the poor little mite was doing.
The child needed an operation and they were unable to carry it out without the child carrier's (I prefer this to mother) consent, so the baby lay there suffering because she didn't come along to see what was going on. The worst was yet to come.
When the cameras went to see her she told the crew:
"I can't go and see him because I live 14 miles from the hospital, I have 2 other kids to look after and I am on benefits...."
Well darling I don't give a flying fuck about your personal circumstances, There were at least two of your chavtastic, knuckle dragging, mouth breathing "crew" in the flat grabbing at their 5 minutes of fame with their filthy shit stained talons. Could you not have had them look after your 2 kids while you went to check on the well being of your newborn you utter TWUNT!
I'd drag myself 14 miles by my tongue to be with a child of mine regardless of whether it was healthy or gravely ill, having to rely on public transport is no fucking excuse for not being there, even if it's 1 afternoon in 3 or 4.
Then she came out with these pearls of wisdom:
"If anything does go wrong he's in the right place and can be looked after, but if anything happened to one of my other kids I'd never be able to forgive myself."
Sorry, so you value the lives of certain children above the life of your sick kid??? There's something wrong with you darling, and I'm not just talking about the crack head look in your eyes, the black teeth and the fact you've got the IQ of a simple tadpole.
so she finally turns up 15 days later, arriving at the hospital 5 minutes after her child has been transferred to another hospital... blinding, you pond scum tramp.
She gives permission for the operation to go ahead and fucks off back home to rent her chili hoop out for a good smashing from any filthy old man looking for a good time. Surely being a crack head hooker from the ghetto would give you enough to buy a bus ticket. Post operation and the horrible bitch still hadn't gone back up to 8 days later.
People like this should be put down, their kids given to families that will bring them up in a caring and stable environment and her vital organs should be donated to people that can make use of them, and by that I mean not hanging around in the local kids park jacking up and drinking white lightning from a tramps shoe.
I don't claim to be the perfect parent, in fact far from it, but there is nothing and I mean NOTHING that would prevent me from being there for my poorly child.
Get fucked you burberry wearing skank whore.
Much love,
Dave.
However, one woman on the program really made me so angry I was forced to turn the channel over because of how much of a horrible trampy slag whore she was.
Her child was born prematurely and had numerous medical issues including difficulty in breathing. The filthy, no good, lowlife slag gave birth to this child then when she was able to go home she did so, knowing that her baby was in a bad way. Obviously the baby had to stay and be treated, the mother (I use the term loosely) didn't visit her sick child for 15 days..... 15 FUCKING DAYS ! ! ! ! Worse than that the lowlife sack of shit wasn't even getting in contact to find out how the poor little mite was doing.
The child needed an operation and they were unable to carry it out without the child carrier's (I prefer this to mother) consent, so the baby lay there suffering because she didn't come along to see what was going on. The worst was yet to come.
When the cameras went to see her she told the crew:
"I can't go and see him because I live 14 miles from the hospital, I have 2 other kids to look after and I am on benefits...."
Well darling I don't give a flying fuck about your personal circumstances, There were at least two of your chavtastic, knuckle dragging, mouth breathing "crew" in the flat grabbing at their 5 minutes of fame with their filthy shit stained talons. Could you not have had them look after your 2 kids while you went to check on the well being of your newborn you utter TWUNT!
I'd drag myself 14 miles by my tongue to be with a child of mine regardless of whether it was healthy or gravely ill, having to rely on public transport is no fucking excuse for not being there, even if it's 1 afternoon in 3 or 4.
Then she came out with these pearls of wisdom:
"If anything does go wrong he's in the right place and can be looked after, but if anything happened to one of my other kids I'd never be able to forgive myself."
Sorry, so you value the lives of certain children above the life of your sick kid??? There's something wrong with you darling, and I'm not just talking about the crack head look in your eyes, the black teeth and the fact you've got the IQ of a simple tadpole.
so she finally turns up 15 days later, arriving at the hospital 5 minutes after her child has been transferred to another hospital... blinding, you pond scum tramp.
She gives permission for the operation to go ahead and fucks off back home to rent her chili hoop out for a good smashing from any filthy old man looking for a good time. Surely being a crack head hooker from the ghetto would give you enough to buy a bus ticket. Post operation and the horrible bitch still hadn't gone back up to 8 days later.
People like this should be put down, their kids given to families that will bring them up in a caring and stable environment and her vital organs should be donated to people that can make use of them, and by that I mean not hanging around in the local kids park jacking up and drinking white lightning from a tramps shoe.
I don't claim to be the perfect parent, in fact far from it, but there is nothing and I mean NOTHING that would prevent me from being there for my poorly child.
Get fucked you burberry wearing skank whore.
Much love,
Dave.
Friday, 3 June 2011
Now I know why I bought a car!
Why is it that women only want you to go for a long walk with them when it's 400 degrees C in the shade?
Kelly in her infinite wisdom told me to grab the camera as we were going for a leisurely stroll around Ely. The sirens and flashing lights immediately began to sound their disapproval of this legal form of torture but it was hopeless, I was as doomed as an inmate at guantanamo bay, there was no escaping and I briefly considered faking my own death to avoid going.
Sadly I don't think even that would have prevented me from what I can only describe as sheer agony.We left the house around 7:30pm and wandered down to the local lakes, took a few photo's of the Cathedral, the lakes, the ducks, the trees, the floor and anything else that happened to be within range of the lens.
Kelly, can we go home now? Seriously babes I'm tired, I'm bored and I'm missing something vitally important on TV. But no... of course not, fat boy's going to be doing a lot more than 312 paces this time let me tell you.
We set off on our way down along the river, it was at this point I realised there was a major problem.... NO mosquito repellent! Now for those of you that don't live in the boonies let me enlighten you on a few things. Nowhere else in the country has as many inter family marriages, nor as many people with a third arm growing out of their arse. The other thing we have an abundance of is mosquito's, big bastards, like hyenas with wings. They don't just bite you, they tear chunks off of you and can comfortably gulp a pint of O-Negative in less time than it takes you to scream "Blood transfusion!"
In the distance I could hear a faint buzzing, as we continued to walk the buzzing got louder and louder, maybe someones mowing their lawn? maybe there's a helicopter looking for 7 eyed Mongo from Pymoor who had escaped from his cellar...... No such luck, with the flying skills of the red arrows they set upon me, I was swiping at them like it was going out of fashion but they just hit me back harder every time I caught one. I swear I hit one with the force of a steam train doing 75 miles per hour, it hit the deck, SUCCESS ! ! !... or maybe not! It laid there motionless for a moment, then like a zombie corpse from Michael Jacksons thriller it slowly began to haul itself back to its feet. It gave me a look as if to say "you're going to regret that pal!".... I began to run (waddle) the buzzing getting louder and louder behind me, damn you fitness levels! The snakey little sod bit me right between the shoulder blades, I have the lump to prove it. (I'd show you but the women would just get all flustered by my mega hairy back)
As suddenly as they'd attacked they vanished, well they couldn't have gotten much more blood out of me if they'd tried. on we toddled, looking back every so often to make sure they weren't following us home. That's when I saw the cows, now being married to one I thought I understood these dumb looking creatures, wrong again Dave. They had calves with them and they looked pretty annoyed that we'd invaded their personal space, they eyeballed us all the way across that damned field, I could feel them staring into my actual soul.... (If I had one that is).
by this time my feet were officially on strike and refusing to lift themselves off of the floor, Shuffling along with a limp that'd make Quasimodo jealous I continued my journey. I think the limp may have been the mating call of the lesser spotted inbred yokel, I got some rather raunchy looks from a woman with a wooden leg and from a 70 year old woman with more teeth in her pocket than her mouth.
Tomorrow I plan on doing a lot more walking, I will walk to the bathroom, the car and then to the bedroom when I can lift my fat arse off of the sofa. 5 or so miles covered, I need an Indian takeaway!
However I'll simply settle for my bowl of highly flavoured porridge...
Good night,
Speak soon,
Dave.
Kelly in her infinite wisdom told me to grab the camera as we were going for a leisurely stroll around Ely. The sirens and flashing lights immediately began to sound their disapproval of this legal form of torture but it was hopeless, I was as doomed as an inmate at guantanamo bay, there was no escaping and I briefly considered faking my own death to avoid going.
Sadly I don't think even that would have prevented me from what I can only describe as sheer agony.We left the house around 7:30pm and wandered down to the local lakes, took a few photo's of the Cathedral, the lakes, the ducks, the trees, the floor and anything else that happened to be within range of the lens.
Kelly, can we go home now? Seriously babes I'm tired, I'm bored and I'm missing something vitally important on TV. But no... of course not, fat boy's going to be doing a lot more than 312 paces this time let me tell you.
We set off on our way down along the river, it was at this point I realised there was a major problem.... NO mosquito repellent! Now for those of you that don't live in the boonies let me enlighten you on a few things. Nowhere else in the country has as many inter family marriages, nor as many people with a third arm growing out of their arse. The other thing we have an abundance of is mosquito's, big bastards, like hyenas with wings. They don't just bite you, they tear chunks off of you and can comfortably gulp a pint of O-Negative in less time than it takes you to scream "Blood transfusion!"
In the distance I could hear a faint buzzing, as we continued to walk the buzzing got louder and louder, maybe someones mowing their lawn? maybe there's a helicopter looking for 7 eyed Mongo from Pymoor who had escaped from his cellar...... No such luck, with the flying skills of the red arrows they set upon me, I was swiping at them like it was going out of fashion but they just hit me back harder every time I caught one. I swear I hit one with the force of a steam train doing 75 miles per hour, it hit the deck, SUCCESS ! ! !... or maybe not! It laid there motionless for a moment, then like a zombie corpse from Michael Jacksons thriller it slowly began to haul itself back to its feet. It gave me a look as if to say "you're going to regret that pal!".... I began to run (waddle) the buzzing getting louder and louder behind me, damn you fitness levels! The snakey little sod bit me right between the shoulder blades, I have the lump to prove it. (I'd show you but the women would just get all flustered by my mega hairy back)
As suddenly as they'd attacked they vanished, well they couldn't have gotten much more blood out of me if they'd tried. on we toddled, looking back every so often to make sure they weren't following us home. That's when I saw the cows, now being married to one I thought I understood these dumb looking creatures, wrong again Dave. They had calves with them and they looked pretty annoyed that we'd invaded their personal space, they eyeballed us all the way across that damned field, I could feel them staring into my actual soul.... (If I had one that is).
by this time my feet were officially on strike and refusing to lift themselves off of the floor, Shuffling along with a limp that'd make Quasimodo jealous I continued my journey. I think the limp may have been the mating call of the lesser spotted inbred yokel, I got some rather raunchy looks from a woman with a wooden leg and from a 70 year old woman with more teeth in her pocket than her mouth.
Tomorrow I plan on doing a lot more walking, I will walk to the bathroom, the car and then to the bedroom when I can lift my fat arse off of the sofa. 5 or so miles covered, I need an Indian takeaway!
However I'll simply settle for my bowl of highly flavoured porridge...
Good night,
Speak soon,
Dave.
Friday, 27 May 2011
Pay peanuts get monkeys....
Now I'm not digging out people that work for tesco in general here but today I met someone that annoyed me beyond belief.
I decided (as I'm a super kind son) to take my dear mother shopping at aforementioned supermarket, I needed a few bits myself too and found myself in the dairy section. I was picking up some yoghurts for Katie and I happened to notice that they were out of date. Now being the nice man I am I figured I'd point this out to a member of staff so they could withdraw them from the chillers. Next time I simply won't bother.....
For the benefit of the following dialogue I shall refer to said staff member as dragon faced bitch.
Me: Excuse me these yoghurts are out of date and still on sale.
Dragon faced bitch: No they're not it says the 28th which is tomorrow.
Me: errrrr... no it definitely says the 26th, which was yesterday.
Dragon faced bitch: It clearly says the 28th, you're wrong!
I immediately began to see the issue as she varied the distance of reading from the packaging touching her nose to at a full arms length, she was blinder than a mole with cataracts and a double eye patch.
Me: Look it is out of date, I just wanted to point it out to you so that it could be dealt with.
Dragon faced bitch: No no no it's the 28th.
At this point a colleague of dragon faced bitch came sauntering over like lady muck and informed the silly blind bint that it did indeed say the 26th, then I was asked the following.....
Dragon faced bitch: Are there any more out of date packets??
Me: How would I know????????
Dragon faced bitch: Oh, I'll go and look then.
Not a thank you, not even a smile..... Tongue in cheek I gave it a loud "you're bloody welcome" as I wandered off down the cheese section. But the silly cow didn't go and check the yoghurts she just pissed off to carry out more important tasks whilst bumping into walls, shopping trolley's and anything else her blind arse couldn't see. I swear at one point she bent down to pat a shopping basket thinking it was a puppy.
I told you this blog wasn't entirely down to exercise, it's more a social commentary with a little fitness detail bunged in for good measure. I did another 50 sit-ups and push-ups today, I think I have a triple hernia and I think I need the weekend to recover.....
Have a great weekend all,
Much love from,
Big Dave :)
I decided (as I'm a super kind son) to take my dear mother shopping at aforementioned supermarket, I needed a few bits myself too and found myself in the dairy section. I was picking up some yoghurts for Katie and I happened to notice that they were out of date. Now being the nice man I am I figured I'd point this out to a member of staff so they could withdraw them from the chillers. Next time I simply won't bother.....
For the benefit of the following dialogue I shall refer to said staff member as dragon faced bitch.
Me: Excuse me these yoghurts are out of date and still on sale.
Dragon faced bitch: No they're not it says the 28th which is tomorrow.
Me: errrrr... no it definitely says the 26th, which was yesterday.
Dragon faced bitch: It clearly says the 28th, you're wrong!
I immediately began to see the issue as she varied the distance of reading from the packaging touching her nose to at a full arms length, she was blinder than a mole with cataracts and a double eye patch.
Me: Look it is out of date, I just wanted to point it out to you so that it could be dealt with.
Dragon faced bitch: No no no it's the 28th.
At this point a colleague of dragon faced bitch came sauntering over like lady muck and informed the silly blind bint that it did indeed say the 26th, then I was asked the following.....
Dragon faced bitch: Are there any more out of date packets??
Me: How would I know????????
Dragon faced bitch: Oh, I'll go and look then.
Not a thank you, not even a smile..... Tongue in cheek I gave it a loud "you're bloody welcome" as I wandered off down the cheese section. But the silly cow didn't go and check the yoghurts she just pissed off to carry out more important tasks whilst bumping into walls, shopping trolley's and anything else her blind arse couldn't see. I swear at one point she bent down to pat a shopping basket thinking it was a puppy.
I told you this blog wasn't entirely down to exercise, it's more a social commentary with a little fitness detail bunged in for good measure. I did another 50 sit-ups and push-ups today, I think I have a triple hernia and I think I need the weekend to recover.....
Have a great weekend all,
Much love from,
Big Dave :)
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Bloody English weather!
Good afternoon,
I think I broke my thigh muscles!!!! I woke up at about 4:30am in a lot of pain, Both thighs felt bloody awful, Cramp galore and not a lot I could do about it.
After about 20 minutes the sporadic cramping came to a halt but left me in a lot of discomfort, Combining that with the fact that it was raining outside with strong gusting wind I decided it was far too damaging to my precious, flawless and silky smooth skin to go out on the bike.
So...... I bet people are thinking I just vegged out and did nothing at all, right? WRONG! I decided that to continue my self abuse known to many as exercise I'd do sit-ups, push ups and some walking. Well the walking was fairly straightforward, a couple of miles in and around town, not a lot to report apart from getting really pissed off by a woman in a red audi pulling into a mother and baby space and getting out without a baby.
Me: Excuse me love you've forgotten your kid, you've left it in the car.
woman: I don't have a child in the car....
Me: Well can you get out of the bastard space then please you inconsiderate twat!
woman: errrr, well, meeting... late.....
I'll give the tramp late for a meeting if I ever see her do it again let me tell you! It'll be hard to walk to the office with your legs bending in the wrong direction. I was visualising in my head running (waddling) towards her and flying kicking her into next century, but to be honest I can't jump very high and if my foot made it above waist height I'd probably get stuck in that position forever.
I got home and decided to do some sit-ups, I figured 25 in a set and 2 sets during the day to start.... Let me tell you this, doing those 25 was harder than childbirth, sorry women you can piss and whinge about it all you like but until you reach 22 stone and try 25 consecutive sit-ups you cannot Begin to imagine the effort and pain involved. I have decided that to make it easier I am going to hook my feet under have Katie sit on the chair with a fishing rod baited with some chocolate to get my fat carcass off of the living room floor! (Video to follow)
So yeah, all in all a pretty odd day, on the plus side I should be able to get back out on the bike tomorrow and smash Wednesday's time, well that's the plan at least....
Have a good evening,
Big love from Big Dave :)
I think I broke my thigh muscles!!!! I woke up at about 4:30am in a lot of pain, Both thighs felt bloody awful, Cramp galore and not a lot I could do about it.
After about 20 minutes the sporadic cramping came to a halt but left me in a lot of discomfort, Combining that with the fact that it was raining outside with strong gusting wind I decided it was far too damaging to my precious, flawless and silky smooth skin to go out on the bike.
So...... I bet people are thinking I just vegged out and did nothing at all, right? WRONG! I decided that to continue my self abuse known to many as exercise I'd do sit-ups, push ups and some walking. Well the walking was fairly straightforward, a couple of miles in and around town, not a lot to report apart from getting really pissed off by a woman in a red audi pulling into a mother and baby space and getting out without a baby.
Me: Excuse me love you've forgotten your kid, you've left it in the car.
woman: I don't have a child in the car....
Me: Well can you get out of the bastard space then please you inconsiderate twat!
woman: errrr, well, meeting... late.....
I'll give the tramp late for a meeting if I ever see her do it again let me tell you! It'll be hard to walk to the office with your legs bending in the wrong direction. I was visualising in my head running (waddling) towards her and flying kicking her into next century, but to be honest I can't jump very high and if my foot made it above waist height I'd probably get stuck in that position forever.
I got home and decided to do some sit-ups, I figured 25 in a set and 2 sets during the day to start.... Let me tell you this, doing those 25 was harder than childbirth, sorry women you can piss and whinge about it all you like but until you reach 22 stone and try 25 consecutive sit-ups you cannot Begin to imagine the effort and pain involved. I have decided that to make it easier I am going to hook my feet under have Katie sit on the chair with a fishing rod baited with some chocolate to get my fat carcass off of the living room floor! (Video to follow)
So yeah, all in all a pretty odd day, on the plus side I should be able to get back out on the bike tomorrow and smash Wednesday's time, well that's the plan at least....
Have a good evening,
Big love from Big Dave :)
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
No pain no gain!
Day 2:
I woke up at around 8am, I was hungry, hungrier than I have been for a while so I had breakfast before I'd even properly opened my eyes. Healthy breakfasts suck, I mean really REALLY suck! A nice bowl of cereal I thought, Organic semi-skimmed milk and no sugar on it :(
As I poured the cereal out of its packet I started to become increasingly concerned about its ingredients. It strongly reminded me of the sawdust and rabbit crap I used to scrape out of my pets hutch weekly, and to be honest it didn't smell a great deal better!
Still I threw it down my neck in double quick time, as if I hadn't it was highly likely I'd have cannibalistic thoughts throughout the day and apparently this practice is frowned upon in some countries. Although I could happily see me chewing on Cheryl Cole's thigh if I was really pushed.
By now I was beginning to realise that my legs were stiff and my arse felt like I'd been paid a visit by 'Big Bubba' from cell 29c. I was walking like a cowboy that had been on a cattle drive and in the saddle for 18 hours straight. But still, no pain no gain as they say, and I was actually looking forward to the fresh air provided by my cycle rides. I took a cold shower which alleviated the pain in my thighs (no serious pain, I am just a big wuss) and got dressed in my sexy lbls (Little black lycra shorts).
I took the same route today as I did yesterday fully expecting to be a little slower as my body slowly adjusted to the strain of actual physical exercise. The ride started off briskly and as it was a fairly hot day I slowed up a little to avoid doing myself an injury. I nicked Katie's ipod today, loaded it up with a few albums that keep me entertained and it gave me something to focus on instead of thinking how stupid a 312 pound man looks balanced on a bike.
Upon returning home I was quite surprised to see that my results weren't as bad as I had feared they'd be. Average speed and top speed were down as was the distance travelled although I took pretty much the same route.
I've had thousands of requests from my adoring female fans for a picture of me in my lycra shorts, not being someone to let people down.........
The days results.
Distance: 4.64 miles
Time: 24:53
Average speed: 11.15mph
Top speed: 22.19mph
Tomorrow if I feel up to it I might attempt an extra mile, but more than likely will do a week of this lap to see how much time I can shave off of the original ride.
Thanks for reading,
Speak soon.
Dave :)
I woke up at around 8am, I was hungry, hungrier than I have been for a while so I had breakfast before I'd even properly opened my eyes. Healthy breakfasts suck, I mean really REALLY suck! A nice bowl of cereal I thought, Organic semi-skimmed milk and no sugar on it :(
As I poured the cereal out of its packet I started to become increasingly concerned about its ingredients. It strongly reminded me of the sawdust and rabbit crap I used to scrape out of my pets hutch weekly, and to be honest it didn't smell a great deal better!
Still I threw it down my neck in double quick time, as if I hadn't it was highly likely I'd have cannibalistic thoughts throughout the day and apparently this practice is frowned upon in some countries. Although I could happily see me chewing on Cheryl Cole's thigh if I was really pushed.
By now I was beginning to realise that my legs were stiff and my arse felt like I'd been paid a visit by 'Big Bubba' from cell 29c. I was walking like a cowboy that had been on a cattle drive and in the saddle for 18 hours straight. But still, no pain no gain as they say, and I was actually looking forward to the fresh air provided by my cycle rides. I took a cold shower which alleviated the pain in my thighs (no serious pain, I am just a big wuss) and got dressed in my sexy lbls (Little black lycra shorts).
I took the same route today as I did yesterday fully expecting to be a little slower as my body slowly adjusted to the strain of actual physical exercise. The ride started off briskly and as it was a fairly hot day I slowed up a little to avoid doing myself an injury. I nicked Katie's ipod today, loaded it up with a few albums that keep me entertained and it gave me something to focus on instead of thinking how stupid a 312 pound man looks balanced on a bike.
Upon returning home I was quite surprised to see that my results weren't as bad as I had feared they'd be. Average speed and top speed were down as was the distance travelled although I took pretty much the same route.
I've had thousands of requests from my adoring female fans for a picture of me in my lycra shorts, not being someone to let people down.........
The days results.
Distance: 4.64 miles
Time: 24:53
Average speed: 11.15mph
Top speed: 22.19mph
Tomorrow if I feel up to it I might attempt an extra mile, but more than likely will do a week of this lap to see how much time I can shave off of the original ride.
Thanks for reading,
Speak soon.
Dave :)
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