Why is it that women only want you to go for a long walk with them when it's 400 degrees C in the shade?
Kelly in her infinite wisdom told me to grab the camera as we were going for a leisurely stroll around Ely. The sirens and flashing lights immediately began to sound their disapproval of this legal form of torture but it was hopeless, I was as doomed as an inmate at guantanamo bay, there was no escaping and I briefly considered faking my own death to avoid going.
Sadly I don't think even that would have prevented me from what I can only describe as sheer agony.We left the house around 7:30pm and wandered down to the local lakes, took a few photo's of the Cathedral, the lakes, the ducks, the trees, the floor and anything else that happened to be within range of the lens.
Kelly, can we go home now? Seriously babes I'm tired, I'm bored and I'm missing something vitally important on TV. But no... of course not, fat boy's going to be doing a lot more than 312 paces this time let me tell you.
We set off on our way down along the river, it was at this point I realised there was a major problem.... NO mosquito repellent! Now for those of you that don't live in the boonies let me enlighten you on a few things. Nowhere else in the country has as many inter family marriages, nor as many people with a third arm growing out of their arse. The other thing we have an abundance of is mosquito's, big bastards, like hyenas with wings. They don't just bite you, they tear chunks off of you and can comfortably gulp a pint of O-Negative in less time than it takes you to scream "Blood transfusion!"
In the distance I could hear a faint buzzing, as we continued to walk the buzzing got louder and louder, maybe someones mowing their lawn? maybe there's a helicopter looking for 7 eyed Mongo from Pymoor who had escaped from his cellar...... No such luck, with the flying skills of the red arrows they set upon me, I was swiping at them like it was going out of fashion but they just hit me back harder every time I caught one. I swear I hit one with the force of a steam train doing 75 miles per hour, it hit the deck, SUCCESS ! ! !... or maybe not! It laid there motionless for a moment, then like a zombie corpse from Michael Jacksons thriller it slowly began to haul itself back to its feet. It gave me a look as if to say "you're going to regret that pal!".... I began to run (waddle) the buzzing getting louder and louder behind me, damn you fitness levels! The snakey little sod bit me right between the shoulder blades, I have the lump to prove it. (I'd show you but the women would just get all flustered by my mega hairy back)
As suddenly as they'd attacked they vanished, well they couldn't have gotten much more blood out of me if they'd tried. on we toddled, looking back every so often to make sure they weren't following us home. That's when I saw the cows, now being married to one I thought I understood these dumb looking creatures, wrong again Dave. They had calves with them and they looked pretty annoyed that we'd invaded their personal space, they eyeballed us all the way across that damned field, I could feel them staring into my actual soul.... (If I had one that is).
by this time my feet were officially on strike and refusing to lift themselves off of the floor, Shuffling along with a limp that'd make Quasimodo jealous I continued my journey. I think the limp may have been the mating call of the lesser spotted inbred yokel, I got some rather raunchy looks from a woman with a wooden leg and from a 70 year old woman with more teeth in her pocket than her mouth.
Tomorrow I plan on doing a lot more walking, I will walk to the bathroom, the car and then to the bedroom when I can lift my fat arse off of the sofa. 5 or so miles covered, I need an Indian takeaway!
However I'll simply settle for my bowl of highly flavoured porridge...
Good night,
Speak soon,
Dave.
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