Trolley rage

I should have known better than to go to Tesco on a weekend, but I needed to pick some bits up for Katie's return to school on Monday morning.

It's never a good sign when the first thing you see is some stupid bitch going backwards and forwards in a space big enough to park the bastard Titanic. She had no understanding of even the basics of driving, by the end of her comedy routine I literally wanted to drag her out of the car, throw her into a bush and park for her. And what car was this inept tool driving? A large people carrier? Maybe a Range Rover or some other monstrosity....... No, a bloody Peugeot 107, that's right a motorised roller skate, a car I could have picked up and stuffed in my pocket and she's unable to get it into a fair sized space.

By now I was already fed up, there were more cars in the car park than I have seen for a long time, and as I went in search of a trolley I couldn't find a single bloody one. I had to wander around the various trolley parks looking for something to push my shopping around in. Success, only moments later I am in possession of a truly beautiful basket on wheels, it looked brand new and barely had a mile on the clock.

Then I discovered why the poxy thing had been left discarded in a dark corner like a leper. The wheels were knackered, and when I say knackered I mean they were totally cocked to fuck. All 4 wheels wanted to go in different directions and to be honest it didn't really do anything to improve my mood. It was like trying to push a 50 stone kid around on a pair of skis, it was sheer agony and to top it off it made an ethereal sound like a ghost wailing, a dog yelping and a child screaming from the bottom of a well.

People were looking at me constantly like I had an arm growing out of my arse, (I wasn't born in the Fens I moved here when I was very young) I think one woman actually tutted at me as I slowly shunted this wiry sack of crap past her because she couldn't hear her hillbilly daughter on the other end of the phone telling her she was pregnant with her 12th child from her 11th partner.

Ely Tesco is in the middle of a revamp, they have moved every single item to a new location and it really shows in the blank expression of the yokels dragging themselves around like a pissed slug. I mean really, it's not that difficult to open your freaking eyes and look for the strawberry fucking jam is it? I can see it from here and you should have an advantage seeing as you have 3 extra eyes.

At this point if you are a pensioner I'd just close this tab, hahahaha like you know what a tab is you blue rinse git. Why is it that the old folk decide to stop for a conversation about their best friends horrific case of piles? Why is it that they can't pull off to one side of an aisle to talk about how bread is far too expensive? Why is it that they decide to form a blockade by turning their trolleys inwards to face each other completely blocking you off from where you want to go? And finally why is it that they insist on telling us 'young'uns' that we have no manners when you happily let them through a gap and they look at you as if you've just fallen out of their massive, wrinkled noses? 

I know we owe you for all of your sacrifices in the war, I proudly wear a poppy every year and support charities collecting for ex servicemen and women. But is it too much to ask that you show a little common courtesy from time to time? I really do have a lot of respect for my peers but when they show me nothing but attitude in return it's sometimes hard to bite my lip and walk on by instead of administering a swift kick to auntie Mabel's dodgy hip.

Looking for a till is always interesting, there are a few people I try to get to as they know what they are doing and get the stuff scanned fairly swiftly. However today I got some blubbering wreck of a lad that reminded me of a recovering alcoholic with confidence issues. It took him about 15 minutes to put my shopping through which is a joke, I could have done it myself faster if it wasn't for the fact that the self service tills don't accept American Express Centurion cards (oh yeah ladies, be impressed!)

Putting the shopping into the boot of the car one of the wafer thin bags split and my shopping rolled under my car, I know we're supposed to be looking after the environment BUT do we have to make bags thinner than a 95 year olds liver spotted skin?

Next time I'm going to drive to London and shop at Harrods, I think the parking would be less stressful, the staff wouldn't be slightly dimmer than a 10 Watt energy saving light bulb and their carrier bags are made of reinforced plastic. All in all I truly hate shopping.