Alice, you're a dick.

Hi,

As some of you may know I am currently on a major lifestyle changing journey, and for once I'm not talking the drive to the fortune garden for a deep fried shredded beef in chili sauce.

I have been taken into a fitness program and under the guidance of a certain Tim Megginson (www.timmegginson.co.uk) am rapidly losing weight. 16 pounds down so far if my scales have stopped lying to me! Also my man boobs are in retreat and to be honest I feel more energetic and generally better about myself. Going from a 'J' cup to a 'D' is a remarkable achievement!

Well the reason I am blogging today is down to this very man. I'm not sure he'll appreciate me telling the story of the Alice origins, but let's just say she crushed him, and now he crushes us out of utter spite.

I'm not one to dislike people without having ever met them, so far I am mostly limited to Cher Lloyd, Katie Price, Elise (off of Hells kitchen USA) Martine McCutcheon (listen to her singing 'perfect moment', if that doesn't explain it all then you're a lost cause and should probably drown yourself in your toilet) Katie Waissel, Pete Doherty and Gareth Southgate.

Today I am going to add someone new to my list, A person so horrible that by her actions alone have brought pain, suffering and misery to far more people than I would imagine she would have ever expected. Her name will be etched into the minds of Ely fitness camps members minds and aching muscles for the rest of their lives. Her name is Alice.

I woke up this morning in remarkably high spirits, I drew back the curtains and was bathed in a warm, golden autumnal sunlight and I said to the wife "What a beautiful day", to which she replied "You'd better get a crack on you've got training soon". "Nah babe" I replied, "you know I don't train on Tuesdays". "It's Wednesday dipshit!" she said.

MY good mood darkened, her mood seemed to improve almost instantly, I knew today was going to be tough as we're nearing the end of the monthly exercise circle, and to be honest I considered throwing myself down the stairs. Still as we all know physical torture in the middle of a freezing cold park is most definitely the path to enlightenment (in the spiritual and dieting sense!).

It's time we talked a little about 'ALICE', she's a mean nasty bitch, she'll break your body, mind and spirit in a heartbeat and doesn't forgive the weak. The Alice I am talking of is however NOT a person. Alice is a fitness routine that has been devised to kill off people that aren't required any longer.

The routine consists of the following:

30 secs of Push ups
30 Seconds of rest
30 secs of push ups, 30 secs of Squat jumps
30 seconds rest
30 secs of Push ups, 30 of Squat jumps, 30 of Inch worms
30 seconds rest
30 secs of Push ups, 30 of Squat jumps, 30 of inch worms, 30 seconds plank
30 seconds rest
30 secs Push ups, 30 of Squat jumps, 30 of Inch worm, 30 of plank and 30 seconds of high knees
30 seconds rest

Finally you do:

30 secs of Push ups, 30 of Squat jumps, 30 of Inch worm, 30 of plank, 30 of high knees and then 30 secs reverse lunges.

YESSSSS ! ! ! I only bloody finished without dying! Admittedly my lungs felt like they'd been sandblasted and then had acid poured in them, they were also making a strange combination of noises including but not limited to wheezing, crackling and gurgling.

Tim: "Ok rockstars now we're doing it all in reverse! I'm going to give you 2 minutes rest and then we're going again"

2 minutes........ 2 fricking minutes? That's not even enough time for me to drag myself to my phone using my tongue (my arms had stopped working after set 3) and dial for an ambulance.

It was also at this point I discovered that I'd been kneeling or standing on a worm for the entire first set of exercise, not so bad for me but I think I royally fucked up his plans for the weekend. I named him wiggly and said a short prayer for him, I considered a short funeral service but some crazy American fella was already counting us down for the second set of Alice.

At the end of the session I finally understood what it felt like to fall out of a plane with no parachute, I lay on my towel, my body broken into small pieces, This is by far the hardest work I have EVER done!

So yeah, Alice you're a bitch... a spiteful, vindictive bitch and I hate you. On the plus side I am really starting to see results now and having 2 sunflower seeds and a glass of water for breakfast doesn't seem to feel quite so horrific anymore.

I am clucking for a full English breakfast, I miss crap food so much, but I know that if I stay strong until Christmas I'll be in such a good place it'll make the suffering well worth it!

Onwards and upwards, one more session this week!

Much love,

Dave.