My battle with depression (mental health week)

Hi :)

So I know people come and read my blog for a laugh, usually at my expense.... but today I want to write about something that has affected myself and my family in a way that I never could have realised, because I didn't see it coming.

I am talking about depression, anxiety and all the other shit that comes with these awful afflictions. This week is Mental health awareness week, and I believe that the time is right for me to share my experiences with as many people as possible. This is not a viral post that you have to share 1000 times or your dog will get diabetes, but I encourage you to share it if you wish. If me opening up to what happened can help even a single person spot the 'markers' that precede depression then I feel I am doing the right thing.


So here goes, and my apologies, it gets kind of dark in places.

Depression is like walking through cobwebs, at least it was for me. One web would hang on as I brushed by, then another and another, they kept clinging to me, building up and building up until they got to be too much for me to handle, and they dragged me down to the ground and refused to let me rise. Sure sometimes I could drag myself back to my feet, but sure enough more and more webs would tangle me up and I was back to the floor. The problem comes in the fact you don't notice them building until it is far too late, and then unless somebody else spots your problems you are in a whole world of trouble.

I had noticed some abnormalities in my life for sure, I became argumentative (Yes, more than normal) I was so horrible snappy and irritable with those whom I loved the most and I became more emotional than I could understand. Of course, being 'Big Dave' I wasn't depressed, I mean how could I be? I'm the one always cracking the jokes, winding people up in the name of entertainment.....

I still blame myself for not spotting how much I was falling, people I was close to at work had begun to notice small changes in me, a wonderful friend caught me bawling my eyes out in the warehouse and having dealt with depression and extreme anxiety himself got me to thinking maybe there WAS something going on with me. So I went home early that day, and I sat on the sofa feeling angry at my lack of emotional control, but I still wouldn't fully accept that I had anything any worse than anybody else.

I looked at my issues, and aside from a few bits at home, and being bored at work (sorry management) I was fine, wasn't I? So why did I feel like an abject failure? Why, even though I have the most amazing family did I feel like I wasn't good enough for them? It came to a head one night after a huge argument at home, I went out and I drove for 7 hours straight, I drove to Ipswich and back on a loop, to Cambridge for no reason whatsoever, and I didn't stop crying the whole time.



Let's change direction for a bit, How do you spot depression? Check out this picture below, can you see any obvious signs of struggle? Do I look like somebody who literally hated who I was? Do I look like somebody that was going to cry through entire comedy movies because of absolutely no reason whatsoever?

This picture was taken in Kings Lynn, I had already considered stepping in front of a train that morning as I absolutely believed in my head that my family would be better off without me. I am welling up with tears at my stupidity for ever feeling that, because leaving my family to cope without me would have been horribly tough on them, and they'd literally have been clueless as to why I actually did it.

The rollercoaster of euphoria and then absolute emptiness was taking its toll on both family and friendship, I was pushing away the very people I should have embraced, but although I knew I wanted them to be a part of my world I didn't want to be a burden on them, I was almost ashamed of being at that point where I should have stood up and shouted from the rooftops

I NEED HELP!


But I didn't, I suffered in silence, lashed out at kindness and generally came close to throwing away everything I had worked so hard to achieve. This was my biggest mistake, I see it now. 

Suicidal thoughts flooded my brain over the coming weeks, trains, pills, jumping....... All of them fleeting thoughts, but real enough to at some point bring a calmness and logic to an illogical situation. But I guess I still had a thin layer of self preservation because although I walked along the tracks I never walked on them. I really struggled with whether to include this information, I hate the thought that Katie might have read this and worried, so I spoke to her and she understood my need to be honest, for a 12 year old she is wise beyond her years.

It was after sitting by a level crossing for an hour watching the trains go by that I had a bit of a eureka moment. It finally clicked that I couldn't do this by myself, I needed professional help before I reached the very bottom and was trapped forever. It took a good week or so to get an appointment because I wouldn't mention suicidal thoughts to the Doctor's receptionist, I was sure that my kids would be taken into care or that I'd be locked away in some form of padded cell and force fed so I couldn't hurt myself with cutlery. 

When I finally managed to go and see the Doctor I burst into tears (again) but he was so good to me, he clearly understood how I was feeling, why I was feeling it and how best to begin unravelling my tangled emotions and thoughts. There was no judgement from him, he believed me, he wanted to help, and THAT was the most liberating moment I had felt in weeks. We talked about medication, emotional triggers, contributing factors and many other things, but I still withheld how desperately low I was.  Our weekly meetings to check my progress restored a percentage of my sanity, but I was still far from fixed. 

At home the kids would avoid me, because I was verbally horrible to them, I'd shout at them for no reason, and I still regret that to this day, all I can hope is that they understand it wasn't coming from me, it was coming THROUGH me. Kelly and I were also constantly at each others throats, I became so disinterested in anything she had to say or asked me to do that I left her a whole pile of life's dirty laundry without an explanation. 

She thought I was faking it, there's no escaping that. She honestly believed I was doing it to get time off of work, and her logic was that because I was 'happy' on the xbox chatting shit with friends and became depressed and withdrawn when things needed doing, that I was just shirking responsibility. The xbox, and talking crap with mates was my safe space, I had no pressure on me, and I could escape from those horrible feelings for hours at a time. 

Financially the time I was taking off of work was also a massive burden on Kelly, it was the best part of 20 weeks that I was off of work, and statutory sick pay doesn't go very far in this day and age. Thankfully a few of Kelly's friends who had partners and parents that had been through the darkest of times and come out the other side, and they explained perfectly how I was feeling, why I was behaving the way I was, and that eventually it would get better. These people know who they are and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their messages of support to myself and Kelly. 

As the weeks passed and Kelly got to understanding that I was really unwell she learned to adapt, she took the extra strains of daily life on and I am so grateful for that, because I literally had no strength either mentally or physically to deal with things. One day she sat on the floor and hugged me for almost an hour, she didn't say anything, she just held me while I cried myself into a stupor.

Eventually things began to improve, but it took 3 different types of medication and trial and error with dosage before I began to be able to process the most basic of emotion. So I guess that sums it up, I know I have bleated on for ages and it has been far from humorous, but I really felt the need to share this, to let people know that it CAN be beaten, it is a battle that is worth fighting, because the alternative is awful.


 
I need to put on record my gratitude to my family and friends that I put through hell at times, I thank you for your support, your understanding and your patience. I thank my wife for not beating me to death in my sleep because I was so horrible. I thank my amazing children for giving me hug therapy when I was in the doldrums.


If this resonates with you, if you feel even one or two of the things that I have mentioned above then please look out for yourself. I will always keep an eye open for friends during their darkest days, but sometimes they disguise it well, just like I did. NEVER BE ASHAMED of reaching out to somebody, never think that you are alone. If you're in a bad place look for the light, it may be a friend, it may be a hobby, it may be a bottle of pills prescribed by a doctor, or a counselling session, hell it may be all of these things, but ASK!


Here is a link to the mental health awareness website, it is full of resources that may be useful to somebody. 

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week

Normal service will resume with my blog at the beginning of next week, I don't do serious often, and I thank you for reading this much.

Love you all.

Your friend,

Dave.

Gullible as fuck....

gullible

ˈɡʌləb(ə)l/

adjective

1. easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.

   
   

   "an attempt to persuade a gullible public to spend their money"

   
   

Why are some people so absolutely lacking in common sense that they can't see through a scam or a viral message that is utterly false? These fucking spunk trumpets form a sadly ever growing community of people that should be tethered to a balloon and left to float off into space. They serve next to no purpose other than for the amusement of people who are more intelligent than a brain injured cow.

But Dave I hear you ask, what the fuck do you mean? How can people be THAT fucking stupid? It surely isn't even possible!?!?!?

Sadly it is, some people are so gullible you could sell them any cock and bull story and they'd blindly follow it like a lemming off of a cliff.

So let us take a quick look at some of the shit people tend to believe.......

THE FAKE COUPON

Ah yes, the fucking fake fucking coupon....... A favourite myth of many a fucking mouth breather. "OMG LOOK!!!!" "They are giving everybody a voucher worth £___ because it is 25 years since a pigeon got run over in their car park".

But they aren't, are they? You absolute fucking bumhole, how much would it cost a company like Aldi, Tesco or others to give everybody that clicked 'accept' a voucher for this much money? I mean are you really that stupid that you think it is going to happen? They don't even let you use your loyalty points for fucking fuel, so they are hardly going to give you a fuck ton of shit for nothing are they?

Give your fucking head a wobble you retard.

THE RANGE ROVER GIVEAWAY

Do you honestly think for one fucking second that you're getting a free Range rover? Do you not find it amazing that each time this fucking 'competition' appears it clearly states 'for the FIRST time in Facebook history' even though this message seems to appear every 3 fucking weeks?

Just tell us what colour you'd like in a comment, wave a tampon above your head for 30 seconds and recite the Lord's prayer backwards in Swahili and you could be a winner! Only you're not going to be a winner are you? You know why? Because the page that supposedly is Range rover's 'official' page has 258 likes! Of course it isn't fucking genuine, but you knock yourself out trying to win an imaginary car.......

In fact, want to buy some magic fucking beans? I have only 47000 left, they normally retail for £8000 each but I will do you a deal for just £20 each!

Just comment with your full name, sort code, bank account number and mother's maiden fucking name.

Do you even realise how big of a disappointment you are? Not only to your direct family, but to the whole of humankind!

                                         
                                            

                                        FACEBOOK ARE GOING TO CHARGE YOU!

Oh yeah, it's official alright! You're officially a gullible cock juggling thundercunt. How many more times is this going to surface? How many more times do I need to fucking point out that it is and always will be a fucking hoax? I am so tired of watching idiots tripping over their tongues in blind panic that they might be charged for using this shit that it is becoming very tiresome. The only charge you should receive should be through an electric fucking chair for so fucking simple!

THE UGANDAN LOTTERY

Anybody falling for this one needs sealing in a fucking giant tupperware tub and burying alive. Don't worry, we'll leave instructions to dig you up in 40 years, and hopefully by then they will have a cure for fucking stupid.

The premise is simple, you are emailed by a random 'lawyer' who tells you that you have won $42 billion UGD. Sounds fucking amazing doesn't it? All you need to do is send £10,000 to a generic Ugandan bank account that has been set up with a false name and address to 'unlock' the funds and hey fucking presto you'll be fucking rich!

The problem comes when

A) The money doesn't appear in your bank within 72 hours
B) $42bn UGD is converted to approximately £42.50 and a packet of crisps.
C) you sold your vital organs for the 'arrangement fee'
and
D) You have probably already accidentally nailed yourself to a fucking tree because you are an actual fucking idiot.



So to sum up.........

Why are people so fucking stupid these days? I mean I could literally be a fucking millionaire if I had no conscience. I could scam fools left right and centre out of their hard earned cash, milk tokens and probably even their shoes if I wanted to. But I can't bring myself to do it, because it would be taking advantage of the people I hope will become fucking human shields should world war 3 break out in the not too distant future.

God bless the gullible, not only do they help others get rich, they also provide us with countless hours of fucking entertainment.

If any of these apply to you and you know me personally I would request that you come and find me either at home or at work so I can slap you in the chops for being a fucking dime bar.


Next up will be cyclists, I hate those fucking pedal powered fucks!

Speak soon :)

Eyebrows.....

Guess I should begin with a quick Q&A......

Q: Where the fuck have you been?
A: Well basically I had a bit of a nervous/mental hiccup, it really knocked me for six and really stifled my ability to be an actual arsehole.

Q: Did you die?
A: Clearly not, you fucking wally.

Q: Are you back or back back?
A: I am so fucking back it hurts! I am basically feeling like a new person, full of disrespect, anger and a liberal sprinkling of spite.

Q: How do you manage to always look so ruggedly handsome?
A: Witchcraft.

Q: Do you ever offend anybody?
A: Nahhhhhh......

So now we have cleared that up, I guess it is time for me to dive headfirst into the bullshit that is...... EYEBROWS! Yes, most of us have them, yes some people have lost them, I am not focusing on the ins and outs of the furry face caterpillars, I am simply aiming my rage at the women who seem to think it is acceptable to try and outshine Ming the fucking Merciless from the movie Flash Gordon.

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So first up, meet Ming. ruler of the planet Mongo and general all around bad ass.

Pretty sure you'll agree he fucking rocks those eyebrows! But then of course he would, he can control climates of  distant planets, cause earthquakes and volcanoes, and generally fuck up what was otherwise a perfectly normal Monday. So we agree that he has earned them right? Good!

Dave's eyebrow rating 10/10 Hail Ming!

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You know who hasn't earned the right to appear to be in a permanent state of surprise? This fucking imbecile!

I mean What. The. Actual. Fuck? I'm almost at a loss for words..... But thankfully not completely. Who advised this wally that having the international symbol for a water park tattooed onto her forehead was a good idea? I mean you could forgive her if she had drawn them on, but they look like they are there for the duration. 

"Hey Barbara, you know what would look really cool?"

"What?"

"We could tattoo a couple of hump back bridges onto your slap, you'd be the envy of everybody!"

Dave's eyebrow rating 3/10 But mummy why is the water park closed?

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Next up I present you with tragedy number 2, the sharpie brow experiment. By experiment I mean failure.

Let's ignore (if at all possible) the fact that her face has the shape of a misshapen potato, the fact that her eyes are so close together she could legally be declared a cyclops and that spot on her chin that is the size of China.

Oh fuck it, I can't pretend that I am going to have anything positive to say....... You look like a fucking disaster, when I said earlier that all women have something beautiful about them I hadn't actually found this image. She looks like a fucking Sontaran from doctor who!

You can even make out the fact that she started at the inner point of her brow and held the pen there too long because the ink has begun to spread a little.

Dave's eyebrow rating 2/10 I really want a baked potato for dinner now... Sontar ha!

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I hesitate to critique this next young lady as it appears she has enough issues already, she looks that miserable that her face is trying to slowly sneak away from her skull after striking a deal with gravity, but then again...... fuck it.

Is it possible for eyebrows to have an eating disorder? I mean these are so thin that Oxfam have started an urgent public appeal to send rice and clean water to them! I'm not sure if this young lady is sad, depressed or actually just feeling smug as to how awesome she *thinks* she looks......... Somebody buy those brows some junk food!

Dave's eyebrow rating 1/10 Please donate just £3 per month to help nourish these pathetic brows.

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This next errrr.... entry, has clearly decided that labour saving is of vital importance during her beauty regime.

Two, is almost always better than one... Unless you are counting stab wounds, sexually transmitted infections or the number of cats found in your chicken chow mein.

This lady however seems to disagree, she has decided that one eyebrow is clearly the way forward as it cuts down on maintenance time. Why she has drawn an extra eyebrow around her mouth also escapes me entirely, but hey as long as she is happy being single and ridiculed... all power to her.

Dave's monobrow rating 0/10 stop being fucking lazy!

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I really struggle to see what these women think they are doing..... at some point I am sure they thought their plan was sound, that they had a chance of making themselves look like a goddess, but I'll be honest if I saw them in the street I'd immediately call for a priest, a bible and a large bottle of fucking holy water!

I know that some people will think I am being a bully with my comments of these special folk, well my message to you is I am sorry.......

........Sorry that you are such a fucking precious little snowflake, now take a good look at yourself in the mirror, slap yourself in the chops and grow a pair. These goons chose to put these horror show pictures on the Internet, and therefore should be prepared to take the public backlash that comes with it.

So ladies, sometimes less is more, and on the rare occasion that more is better might I suggest that your more is not the same as these ladies more.


Sorry for abandoning you for so long,


Dave xx

P.s I already have my next blog lined up, so it should be less than a week before you are forced to click 'I don't want to see this' on Facebook again.

Lego, and the land of.....

The introduction

Remember Lego? That plastic block shit that if you stand on it is likely akin to treading on a fucking landmine, yeah that's the one :)

Did you know they have a theme park in Windsor? You didn't? Oh... well let me fucking enlighten you!

First of all allow me to explain how violated I feel after my trip there, I am certainly not tight fisted when it comes to money, but I lost less money when Megan Fox emailed me from Nigeria asking for a 5k loan so she could come and see me, the lying bitch!

Lego used to be cheap, it's not any more, I saw a lego castle for sale the other day for £250, that is a fucking joke, it's a bunch of plastic pieces! Well the theme park is just as fucking ridiculously priced.

For a family of 4 it will cost you around £160, that ain't cheap..... but wait there's more, and this is where I will pick up the story.


The trip

Once I had got my breathing under control for finding out how much the wife had spent to go and look at lego we set off for Windsor. The drive down was unremarkable, well aside from the £160 worth of tickets THAT I HAD TO FUCKING PRINT MYSELF staring at me from the dashboard of the car. Upon arrival we were directed to the 'nearest' car park by a bunch of spotty, scrawny, suicidal looking 15 year olds, they seemed to take a perverse pride in telling us that we then had to pay £5 for parking.

I wanted to make a fuss about ticket prices, but I had a really pressing problem, I needed a poo, and it wasn't in the mood for waiting any longer. "Mate, where are the toilets?" I asked. He pointed across a dusty scrubland and then extended his arm further to indicate an even further distance.

The walk was excruciating, I felt like I was 9 months gone, limping and shuffling myself along the wasteland with vultures circling above, sensing they had a cheap and massively plentiful meal in me. It felt like a 30 minute walk to the entrance, but thankfully they had toilets outside and I rushed in. I patiently waited, occasionally dropping into a crouch to use my heel to push my imminent arrival back in and eventually made it into the one, yes ONE cubicle in the gents bogs.

No sooner had my arse landed on the seat there was a tap on the door, I am used to this because we have 1 bathroom between 5 of us at home, and although we have a ticket system similar to Tesco's deli counter it rarely works out. "I'll be as quick as I can mate" I said, probably in a quite irritated voice. "My kid really needs to go to the toilet mate" was the reply. Well yeah dickhead so do I, and I think I might need an epidural too so please leave me the fuck alone. I mean really can't I even shit in peace?

Theme park!

Once we made it through checkpoint fucking Charlie and into the park we were immediately greeted by one of my most favourite sites in the world, that being the wonderful world of hypocrisy! A woman in full on Niqab was walking around in FATHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS'S fucking grotto! I shit you not, a devout Muslim (which I have NO issue with) was mixing it up with St Nick!

It was a hot day, really hot in fact and I was in need of refreshment, so I popped to a drinks stand and took a look at the prices, OH EMM actual fucking GEE! £2.75 for a fucking cornetto? Are you fucking kidding me? £2.20 for a bottle of water, you know that shit that falls from the sky? Two pounds fucking twenty! It felt like I had been rectally violated without pain relief or lube as I walked away with a Fanta, a water and nearly a tenner less in my fucking pocket.

The rides are all aimed at young children too, so if you like watching your kid have fun you're in luck, if however you want to have a little fun yourself I suggest bringing a pair of pliers and pulling your nails out as you queue for an hour to go on a fucking fairground ride. The staff manning the rides are a worrying mix too, ranging from suicidal to waaaaay too enthusiastic, you know the type I mean, the ones that smoke crack during their 10 minute break.

For me one of the best aspects of a day like this is people watching, and this trip was no exception, after the delights of Islam popping in to Santa's workshop for a brew I also witnessed grown adults wearing denim dungarees. I shit you not, I thought I was on the set of the music video for fucking 'come on Eileen'. I also have to give an honourable mention to the lanyard wankers. There were quite a few of them, they had Merlin VIP passes and really wanted the world to know it! Most of them were fine, not making a show of themselves, but others were waving their pass around like they were Mulder or Scully from the fucking X files!

My favourite moment though was reserved for the most Irish situation I have ever witnessed (sorry Irish folk) and it was played out by....... an Irish woman! I was queueing with Charlie for a go one a kid's ride, anybody over 0.9 metres could ride it. A girl stood next to the size guide and was tall enough, she was so excited bless her, lie a kid in the proverbial sweet shop. Her mum walked over, grabbed her by the arm and started to frog march her away saying rather loudly "I told ye, yer too fookin' tall for dat roide!" That was it, I couldn't contain my glee, I was properly belly laughing and her partner had clearly spotted me wiping the tears from my eyes. Thankfully he fought his daughter's corner and eventually (literally 10 minutes of proper argument) the fella made his ever so slightly retarded wife see sense.

Back to cost now as I was getting hungry, the choice is fairly limited either a hot dog for nearly a fucking fiver or a steak baguette for 25p short of £7, with no chips or drink! I looked for a policeman but due to cutbacks they no longer investigate theft or extortion, they save their resources for this http://davidpowell78.blogspot.com/2012/10/police-recruitment-test.html and I had to just bend over and take it again.


So to summarise, Legoland is ok, fucking expensive, but ok.

I promise to write more in the coming weeks.

Much love,

Dave.

Facebook and its 'inhabitants'

Yes, yes and errrr yes...... I know I am on Facebook, I know I use it to promote this very blog, but that still doesn't stop me from hating quite a few aspects of it. It can be a great tool, helping you keep in touch with people from far flung corners of the world, it can bring old friends back together and can even create lasting relationships.

But there is also another side to it, the side that everybody hates, but most people refuse to speak out about. Well fear not my friends, I give literally 'zero fucks' when it comes to political correctness or hurting peoples feelings. So with little further to do, and next to no more pointless filler, let's jump straight in, what do you think? We'll start small......




Selfies!

Yes I know I've spoken about them before, and I know that I took a shit ton of them myself a while back, but the ones I am talking about are the women with 16 inch deep makeup on. You know the ones I am talking about, if they got caught up in a botched robbery and were shot in the face the only thing to be hurt would be the innocent bystander that got hit by the bullet that ricocheted off of their concealer, foundation, bronzer and whatever the fuck else they cake on in the name of beauty.

Not only that, but the fucking eyebrows! They are not on point, fleek or anything else that sounds fucking retarded they are drawn on with a fucking permanent marker! If god intended you to look forever surprised he'd have made them naturally look like a cross between a slug and Ming the fucking Merciless. I've got news for you, most of you don't even need makeup, I know I'll get ridiculed for saying this, but you're perfectly acceptable, even beautiful without it. Most men (at least the ones who AREN'T shallow arseholes) will tell you that who you are beats what you look like 9 times out of 10. And if you're truly that ugly then use a bag not makeup, because Max Factor can't fix everything, sometimes you're just terrifying looking, I'm sorry.

And before I move on, if you're going to pull a moody face, please refrain from the 'duck face' or 'trout pout' as it doesn't make you look cool, edgy, beautiful or appealing, it makes you look like an animal that shits on the riverbank while people watch or an animal that ugly that even vegetarians will eat you, because they fucking hate you too. You look like you need to evacuate your bowels (that's posh talk for need a massive shit)

We don't need to know what you look like every 30 seconds because we are friends, I have a pretty good memory, and if I have seen you before I will remember your face. there's no point in taking a picture of yourself in Disneyland, Rome, Australia or anywhere fucking else if all we can see is your fucking face! Take pictures of the place you've visited, that is far more interesting! If you just snap a picture of yourself you may as well pre-take them all in your bathroom before you go away and leave your phone/camera in the fucking hotel room!

And if you're taking a 'mirror' selfie try to hold the phone away from your fucking face, all we can see is your clothing, just send us a link to the garment in a fucking catalogue, it'll look better.




Sympathy posts!

Right, I know we all deserve a little sympathy, and that sits well with me, but don't fucking beg for it! If you post that you're ugly, not worthy of others time, or just piss and whine at the fact you're not the centre of everybody else's universe I have news for you..... YOU'RE FUCKING NOT ! ! ! If I see another person fishing for compliments by saying they are ugly or stupid I am going to fucking lose it, I'll tell you exactly what all of your other friends are thinking but don't want to offend you by saying. If you think you're ugly, that's your problem. If nobody likes you maybe it is because you bang on about nobody liking you. Just be yourself, have a laugh and use social media for what god intended..... Stalking fit women.




Viral questions!

How many squares do you see? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK! ! !

A man and woman have 4 daughters........ WELL GOOD FOR THEM, EXTRA TAX CREDITS!!!

98% of you will get this wrong! SO 2% WILL GET IT RIGHT, FUCKING PESSIMIST!!!

Type 1 and like this post to see what happens! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN, YOU'LL MAKE PEOPLE HATE YOU, AND POSSIBLY TRY TO DISEMBOWEL THEMSELVES WITH A TEASPOON TO AVOID EVER HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!

If I told you that every time you commented on one of these an orphan died you'd probably still do it, not because you're spiteful, but because you want to prove how clever you are. Well I have news for you, you're not half as clever as the spotty virgin who lives in his parents basement and gets 1.5 MILLION gullible twerps to like, share and comment on a page that will then have its name changed and have millions of people liking a company they didn't even know existed. But well done, you can now pat yourself on the back and tell everybody that you answered a really simple question, HIGH FIVE ! ! !



Game requests!

Everybody likes a good game right? I mean for a week or two I was hooked on Candy crush and a few other games, but you know what? I tried my hardest to disable invites and requests, because I was getting about 100 a day from people who like to play a game on their phone while they sit down on the shitter to drop the kids off at the pool.

X, Y or Z needs a fucking corn on the cob, a fucking extra life or some building materials...... No what they will need is a doctor with small hands to remove their fucking device from the darkest corner of their fucking poopchute if they keep messaging me asking for help!



Tagging!

Great, you're on your 19th holiday of the year, I'm pleased for you, you earn good money, or save hard and therefore deserve it. But on the flip side burglars love the fact you've announced to the world that you've left your home empty.... it makes it so much easier to rob.

Hash tagging is another fucking thing that is being completely overcooked! I mean fine, if there's a relevant hash tag then go for it, but this.....

#river #duck #tree #grass #fish #icecream #pub #lunch #ham #egg #chips #coke #nofilter is unacceptable.

so #womble #nobodycares #stopnow #yesthereisafuckingfilter #die



So, just think about what you say and do, it's great that the world has a means of socially interacting with people you can't regularly meet up with. But when all you do is post the same shit every 45 minutes they probably just want to kill you.


Love you.

False grief

Now, this is going to be a controversial one but read it to the end before forming your opinion. I don't ask much of people so just humour me, then assassinate me if needs be....



Why is it that as soon as a celebrity dies everybody is enveloped by a tsunami of grief? Why is it that words such as 'shocked' 'crushed' 'lost' and 'legend' are bandied about like fucking sweets at a kids party? I am sick to death of a million people writing how said celebrity dying has 'ruined their day' of course it fucking hasn't.


What would ruin your day is cutting a finger off in a freak lawnmower accident, stepping on a landmine in a foreign country while fighting for oil in the name of our government. Shit like THAT will ruin your day.

Some man/woman who you barely gave a thought to for years dies and all of a sudden people have jumped on the sympathy train headed for pitymeville on the outskirts of sadland. I mean is it really hurting you THAT much? Nope, it isn't, in fact I am going to tell you right now that you don't actually feel even the slightest bit 'crushed' about that persons death, how can you when you are completely disconnected from them?

I treat every loss of life as sad, weirdly, even the death of SOME people on death row could be seen as a tragedy when you consider that they may have not been guilty, or may even in their guilt have had a way to bring something useful to the world in educating others in the error of their ways.

Indeed the same is true when people die of cancer, I know a lot of people who have had the disease, my mum and dad included. A single loss of life to that bastard disease is a tragedy, but unfortunately it happens, in fact I would imagine that looking at family history I will probably have some form of cancer in my lifetime too, something I fucking dread.

Let me take a couple of examples of times I have shaken my head at what I have read.

David Bowie: A musical genius? For some people maybe, I personally didn't like his music at all. Was it sad that he died? Yes, it is a loss of a life at an age that is considered young nowadays. He died from cancer, another very horrible thing that we should hopefully eradicate in the coming years.

But for people to say that they are devastated, crushed, shocked and mourning the loss, I ask you this. Did YOU think of this person on a daily basis? Nope, probably not since the last time you heard his music, which may have been many years ago.Did you know his family? If you did then you can feel their sadness, you can mourn with them, but the likelihood is that you didn't. You can't feel the pain of a persons death if you:

A) Didn't know them
B) Didn't think about them regularly
C) Only knew them because they were famous

I mean come on, really examine your feelings, do you actually feel sad? Or is it the more likely scenario of having to show how distraught you are on Facebook so you fit in with the social media wankfest over somebody you never even knew?

Are you crushed at the thought of that Syrian man who just got bombed? Even if you saw it in the news you might be horrified, but you don't actually give a shit do you? You'll go back to peeling potatoes, watching the film that the new bulletin interrupted or fall back to sleep.

Amy Winehouse: A 'legend' according to most people who decided to break out the crocodile tears. She was that much of a legend you didn't even help her to get a number 1 hit in the UK! A woman that took heroin and drank to excess on a daily basis, and you're calling her a fucking legend!?!?!

If she was that much of a great person why aren't you encouraging your children to go down the same path as her? A couple of top 10 hits (the biggest being somebody else's song!) and she is talked about as if she is the second coming of Christ.

She died of alcohol poisoning in a flat in London, hardly the death of a legend is it? Yet people were out in force back then pretending to cry into the communal digital handkerchief that the social media passes around so freely.

Nan Pat: I didn't even know who she was, but somebody asked me if I was sad that she'd died? How the fuck can I be? She was nobody to me.... I can have empathy for her family who she left behind, but without sounding truly callous she didn't have anything to do with my life whatsoever.


Grief and sorrow are reserved for situations where they are needed. The passing of a family member or friend, I fully understand that. But for people to get upset over somebody they have no real connection to is fucking stupid. Sorry but that's the truth.


I put it to you that although you might have liked said celebrity, you might be surprised that they have died, you aren't actually sad or broken at all. In fact once you've read this, told me I'm an insensitive arsehole and possibly blocked me on Facebook you'll go back to doing whatever it was you were doing previously and not be sad at all.


So off you go, back to the kitchen, your job or talking to the postman, the grief for celebrity strangers is as fake as the bags sold on the streets of Barcelona. Get over it.

Are you an arsehole?

It's an easy enough question, but one I never need to ask myself.... I KNOW I am! But the question remains..... are you?

I have my opinion of you, as does everybody else, but in your head you think everybody loves you right? I've got news for you folks, at least half of the people you know have thought of a way to kill you and conceal your body at least once.

Let me give you a quick example based on what I saw this morning.


Exhibit A.

Skin tight jogging bottoms on men, I mean what fucking idiot woke up one day and thought "I know! I'll wear a pair of joggers so short and tight that people will be able to see what I ate for breakfast via a visual rectal examination.

You don't look good, you don't look trendy, you look fucking poor. You need to pop yourself along to Skidmark's and buy yourself a pair that fucking fit.


Exhibit B.

Trainers the size of three seater sofas. If your shoes are big enough to provide a comfortable home for 6 refugees they are too fucking big, I know you want the world to see the word NIKE emblazoned across them but all we see is another 4 letter word beginning with 'C', and let me give you a hint, it isn't cool. Today I witnessed a lad walking down the street that should have 44" calf muscles because of the effort it took to lift his feet off of the ground each time he took a fucking step.

It's not just the fact they are massive either, they are usually the colour of dog vomit, and have been worn for that long they have that flappy sole you expect to see on a tramps shoe.

Exhibit C.

A hoody, again, like the trousers, or pants as fucking weird people call them, that is far too small. I can see your fucking ribs through the fabric, you clearly need a cheeseburger or two, and a bigger top you twat. Even the hood is too small to put over your bulbous fucking noggin. It looks like somebody has put a skull cap on the worlds largest flesh coloured watermelon, you look like an idiot.

Exhibit D.

The way you walk. Unless you have just been sexually assaulted by a large marrow or have testicles the size of beach balls, might I suggest that you don't walk with your stupidly large shoes three fucking feet apart. It doesn't look like you're a gangster, it looks like you've just shit yourself.

Exhibit E.

Oversized headphones. We get it, you're listening to 'music' (if you can call the shite they listen to music that is) but do we need to see that you are? Do we fuck....

You bowl down the street (still looking like you've shit yourself) but now you're doing some weird bouncy walk too, kind of like you're proud of your anal leakage.

I don't care what make your fucking headphones are, I can almost tolerate the fact you want me to know that they are 'Beats' by Dr fucking Dre, but what I struggle with is the fact that you turn your head to show me the letter B on them.

I'm not sure if you think I am in need of a Sesame street syle education, or you are just asking for me to mug you, but you look like a cock. But let us presume it's for education, thank you! I have learned a lot. Today's show is brought to you by the letter 'B' for Bellend, Bastard, Bitch and Bumhole.

Exhibit F.

The back to front backpack....

Self explanatory, if you wear it on your front you are a cunt. Wow, look at that I busted a rhyme like Dr Dre!

You walk along fishing out random shit like a pot of Dairylea dunkers, and it looks like some weird fucking c-section.

Don't. Fucking. Do. It.


So that brings to an end an in depth example of the arsehole I saw this morning...... But I hear you saying "I don't have any of those items of clothing or traits!

Something you do, no matter how small, will piss somebody off. They will envision your body dissolving in an oil drum of acid after having been beaten to death with some form of wrench.



Conclusion.

We are all arseholes, I just happen to be less of one than you ;)