Lego, and the land of.....

The introduction

Remember Lego? That plastic block shit that if you stand on it is likely akin to treading on a fucking landmine, yeah that's the one :)

Did you know they have a theme park in Windsor? You didn't? Oh... well let me fucking enlighten you!

First of all allow me to explain how violated I feel after my trip there, I am certainly not tight fisted when it comes to money, but I lost less money when Megan Fox emailed me from Nigeria asking for a 5k loan so she could come and see me, the lying bitch!

Lego used to be cheap, it's not any more, I saw a lego castle for sale the other day for £250, that is a fucking joke, it's a bunch of plastic pieces! Well the theme park is just as fucking ridiculously priced.

For a family of 4 it will cost you around £160, that ain't cheap..... but wait there's more, and this is where I will pick up the story.


The trip

Once I had got my breathing under control for finding out how much the wife had spent to go and look at lego we set off for Windsor. The drive down was unremarkable, well aside from the £160 worth of tickets THAT I HAD TO FUCKING PRINT MYSELF staring at me from the dashboard of the car. Upon arrival we were directed to the 'nearest' car park by a bunch of spotty, scrawny, suicidal looking 15 year olds, they seemed to take a perverse pride in telling us that we then had to pay £5 for parking.

I wanted to make a fuss about ticket prices, but I had a really pressing problem, I needed a poo, and it wasn't in the mood for waiting any longer. "Mate, where are the toilets?" I asked. He pointed across a dusty scrubland and then extended his arm further to indicate an even further distance.

The walk was excruciating, I felt like I was 9 months gone, limping and shuffling myself along the wasteland with vultures circling above, sensing they had a cheap and massively plentiful meal in me. It felt like a 30 minute walk to the entrance, but thankfully they had toilets outside and I rushed in. I patiently waited, occasionally dropping into a crouch to use my heel to push my imminent arrival back in and eventually made it into the one, yes ONE cubicle in the gents bogs.

No sooner had my arse landed on the seat there was a tap on the door, I am used to this because we have 1 bathroom between 5 of us at home, and although we have a ticket system similar to Tesco's deli counter it rarely works out. "I'll be as quick as I can mate" I said, probably in a quite irritated voice. "My kid really needs to go to the toilet mate" was the reply. Well yeah dickhead so do I, and I think I might need an epidural too so please leave me the fuck alone. I mean really can't I even shit in peace?

Theme park!

Once we made it through checkpoint fucking Charlie and into the park we were immediately greeted by one of my most favourite sites in the world, that being the wonderful world of hypocrisy! A woman in full on Niqab was walking around in FATHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS'S fucking grotto! I shit you not, a devout Muslim (which I have NO issue with) was mixing it up with St Nick!

It was a hot day, really hot in fact and I was in need of refreshment, so I popped to a drinks stand and took a look at the prices, OH EMM actual fucking GEE! £2.75 for a fucking cornetto? Are you fucking kidding me? £2.20 for a bottle of water, you know that shit that falls from the sky? Two pounds fucking twenty! It felt like I had been rectally violated without pain relief or lube as I walked away with a Fanta, a water and nearly a tenner less in my fucking pocket.

The rides are all aimed at young children too, so if you like watching your kid have fun you're in luck, if however you want to have a little fun yourself I suggest bringing a pair of pliers and pulling your nails out as you queue for an hour to go on a fucking fairground ride. The staff manning the rides are a worrying mix too, ranging from suicidal to waaaaay too enthusiastic, you know the type I mean, the ones that smoke crack during their 10 minute break.

For me one of the best aspects of a day like this is people watching, and this trip was no exception, after the delights of Islam popping in to Santa's workshop for a brew I also witnessed grown adults wearing denim dungarees. I shit you not, I thought I was on the set of the music video for fucking 'come on Eileen'. I also have to give an honourable mention to the lanyard wankers. There were quite a few of them, they had Merlin VIP passes and really wanted the world to know it! Most of them were fine, not making a show of themselves, but others were waving their pass around like they were Mulder or Scully from the fucking X files!

My favourite moment though was reserved for the most Irish situation I have ever witnessed (sorry Irish folk) and it was played out by....... an Irish woman! I was queueing with Charlie for a go one a kid's ride, anybody over 0.9 metres could ride it. A girl stood next to the size guide and was tall enough, she was so excited bless her, lie a kid in the proverbial sweet shop. Her mum walked over, grabbed her by the arm and started to frog march her away saying rather loudly "I told ye, yer too fookin' tall for dat roide!" That was it, I couldn't contain my glee, I was properly belly laughing and her partner had clearly spotted me wiping the tears from my eyes. Thankfully he fought his daughter's corner and eventually (literally 10 minutes of proper argument) the fella made his ever so slightly retarded wife see sense.

Back to cost now as I was getting hungry, the choice is fairly limited either a hot dog for nearly a fucking fiver or a steak baguette for 25p short of £7, with no chips or drink! I looked for a policeman but due to cutbacks they no longer investigate theft or extortion, they save their resources for this http://davidpowell78.blogspot.com/2012/10/police-recruitment-test.html and I had to just bend over and take it again.


So to summarise, Legoland is ok, fucking expensive, but ok.

I promise to write more in the coming weeks.

Much love,

Dave.

Facebook and its 'inhabitants'

Yes, yes and errrr yes...... I know I am on Facebook, I know I use it to promote this very blog, but that still doesn't stop me from hating quite a few aspects of it. It can be a great tool, helping you keep in touch with people from far flung corners of the world, it can bring old friends back together and can even create lasting relationships.

But there is also another side to it, the side that everybody hates, but most people refuse to speak out about. Well fear not my friends, I give literally 'zero fucks' when it comes to political correctness or hurting peoples feelings. So with little further to do, and next to no more pointless filler, let's jump straight in, what do you think? We'll start small......




Selfies!

Yes I know I've spoken about them before, and I know that I took a shit ton of them myself a while back, but the ones I am talking about are the women with 16 inch deep makeup on. You know the ones I am talking about, if they got caught up in a botched robbery and were shot in the face the only thing to be hurt would be the innocent bystander that got hit by the bullet that ricocheted off of their concealer, foundation, bronzer and whatever the fuck else they cake on in the name of beauty.

Not only that, but the fucking eyebrows! They are not on point, fleek or anything else that sounds fucking retarded they are drawn on with a fucking permanent marker! If god intended you to look forever surprised he'd have made them naturally look like a cross between a slug and Ming the fucking Merciless. I've got news for you, most of you don't even need makeup, I know I'll get ridiculed for saying this, but you're perfectly acceptable, even beautiful without it. Most men (at least the ones who AREN'T shallow arseholes) will tell you that who you are beats what you look like 9 times out of 10. And if you're truly that ugly then use a bag not makeup, because Max Factor can't fix everything, sometimes you're just terrifying looking, I'm sorry.

And before I move on, if you're going to pull a moody face, please refrain from the 'duck face' or 'trout pout' as it doesn't make you look cool, edgy, beautiful or appealing, it makes you look like an animal that shits on the riverbank while people watch or an animal that ugly that even vegetarians will eat you, because they fucking hate you too. You look like you need to evacuate your bowels (that's posh talk for need a massive shit)

We don't need to know what you look like every 30 seconds because we are friends, I have a pretty good memory, and if I have seen you before I will remember your face. there's no point in taking a picture of yourself in Disneyland, Rome, Australia or anywhere fucking else if all we can see is your fucking face! Take pictures of the place you've visited, that is far more interesting! If you just snap a picture of yourself you may as well pre-take them all in your bathroom before you go away and leave your phone/camera in the fucking hotel room!

And if you're taking a 'mirror' selfie try to hold the phone away from your fucking face, all we can see is your clothing, just send us a link to the garment in a fucking catalogue, it'll look better.




Sympathy posts!

Right, I know we all deserve a little sympathy, and that sits well with me, but don't fucking beg for it! If you post that you're ugly, not worthy of others time, or just piss and whine at the fact you're not the centre of everybody else's universe I have news for you..... YOU'RE FUCKING NOT ! ! ! If I see another person fishing for compliments by saying they are ugly or stupid I am going to fucking lose it, I'll tell you exactly what all of your other friends are thinking but don't want to offend you by saying. If you think you're ugly, that's your problem. If nobody likes you maybe it is because you bang on about nobody liking you. Just be yourself, have a laugh and use social media for what god intended..... Stalking fit women.




Viral questions!

How many squares do you see? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK! ! !

A man and woman have 4 daughters........ WELL GOOD FOR THEM, EXTRA TAX CREDITS!!!

98% of you will get this wrong! SO 2% WILL GET IT RIGHT, FUCKING PESSIMIST!!!

Type 1 and like this post to see what happens! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN, YOU'LL MAKE PEOPLE HATE YOU, AND POSSIBLY TRY TO DISEMBOWEL THEMSELVES WITH A TEASPOON TO AVOID EVER HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!

If I told you that every time you commented on one of these an orphan died you'd probably still do it, not because you're spiteful, but because you want to prove how clever you are. Well I have news for you, you're not half as clever as the spotty virgin who lives in his parents basement and gets 1.5 MILLION gullible twerps to like, share and comment on a page that will then have its name changed and have millions of people liking a company they didn't even know existed. But well done, you can now pat yourself on the back and tell everybody that you answered a really simple question, HIGH FIVE ! ! !



Game requests!

Everybody likes a good game right? I mean for a week or two I was hooked on Candy crush and a few other games, but you know what? I tried my hardest to disable invites and requests, because I was getting about 100 a day from people who like to play a game on their phone while they sit down on the shitter to drop the kids off at the pool.

X, Y or Z needs a fucking corn on the cob, a fucking extra life or some building materials...... No what they will need is a doctor with small hands to remove their fucking device from the darkest corner of their fucking poopchute if they keep messaging me asking for help!



Tagging!

Great, you're on your 19th holiday of the year, I'm pleased for you, you earn good money, or save hard and therefore deserve it. But on the flip side burglars love the fact you've announced to the world that you've left your home empty.... it makes it so much easier to rob.

Hash tagging is another fucking thing that is being completely overcooked! I mean fine, if there's a relevant hash tag then go for it, but this.....

#river #duck #tree #grass #fish #icecream #pub #lunch #ham #egg #chips #coke #nofilter is unacceptable.

so #womble #nobodycares #stopnow #yesthereisafuckingfilter #die



So, just think about what you say and do, it's great that the world has a means of socially interacting with people you can't regularly meet up with. But when all you do is post the same shit every 45 minutes they probably just want to kill you.


Love you.

False grief

Now, this is going to be a controversial one but read it to the end before forming your opinion. I don't ask much of people so just humour me, then assassinate me if needs be....



Why is it that as soon as a celebrity dies everybody is enveloped by a tsunami of grief? Why is it that words such as 'shocked' 'crushed' 'lost' and 'legend' are bandied about like fucking sweets at a kids party? I am sick to death of a million people writing how said celebrity dying has 'ruined their day' of course it fucking hasn't.


What would ruin your day is cutting a finger off in a freak lawnmower accident, stepping on a landmine in a foreign country while fighting for oil in the name of our government. Shit like THAT will ruin your day.

Some man/woman who you barely gave a thought to for years dies and all of a sudden people have jumped on the sympathy train headed for pitymeville on the outskirts of sadland. I mean is it really hurting you THAT much? Nope, it isn't, in fact I am going to tell you right now that you don't actually feel even the slightest bit 'crushed' about that persons death, how can you when you are completely disconnected from them?

I treat every loss of life as sad, weirdly, even the death of SOME people on death row could be seen as a tragedy when you consider that they may have not been guilty, or may even in their guilt have had a way to bring something useful to the world in educating others in the error of their ways.

Indeed the same is true when people die of cancer, I know a lot of people who have had the disease, my mum and dad included. A single loss of life to that bastard disease is a tragedy, but unfortunately it happens, in fact I would imagine that looking at family history I will probably have some form of cancer in my lifetime too, something I fucking dread.

Let me take a couple of examples of times I have shaken my head at what I have read.

David Bowie: A musical genius? For some people maybe, I personally didn't like his music at all. Was it sad that he died? Yes, it is a loss of a life at an age that is considered young nowadays. He died from cancer, another very horrible thing that we should hopefully eradicate in the coming years.

But for people to say that they are devastated, crushed, shocked and mourning the loss, I ask you this. Did YOU think of this person on a daily basis? Nope, probably not since the last time you heard his music, which may have been many years ago.Did you know his family? If you did then you can feel their sadness, you can mourn with them, but the likelihood is that you didn't. You can't feel the pain of a persons death if you:

A) Didn't know them
B) Didn't think about them regularly
C) Only knew them because they were famous

I mean come on, really examine your feelings, do you actually feel sad? Or is it the more likely scenario of having to show how distraught you are on Facebook so you fit in with the social media wankfest over somebody you never even knew?

Are you crushed at the thought of that Syrian man who just got bombed? Even if you saw it in the news you might be horrified, but you don't actually give a shit do you? You'll go back to peeling potatoes, watching the film that the new bulletin interrupted or fall back to sleep.

Amy Winehouse: A 'legend' according to most people who decided to break out the crocodile tears. She was that much of a legend you didn't even help her to get a number 1 hit in the UK! A woman that took heroin and drank to excess on a daily basis, and you're calling her a fucking legend!?!?!

If she was that much of a great person why aren't you encouraging your children to go down the same path as her? A couple of top 10 hits (the biggest being somebody else's song!) and she is talked about as if she is the second coming of Christ.

She died of alcohol poisoning in a flat in London, hardly the death of a legend is it? Yet people were out in force back then pretending to cry into the communal digital handkerchief that the social media passes around so freely.

Nan Pat: I didn't even know who she was, but somebody asked me if I was sad that she'd died? How the fuck can I be? She was nobody to me.... I can have empathy for her family who she left behind, but without sounding truly callous she didn't have anything to do with my life whatsoever.


Grief and sorrow are reserved for situations where they are needed. The passing of a family member or friend, I fully understand that. But for people to get upset over somebody they have no real connection to is fucking stupid. Sorry but that's the truth.


I put it to you that although you might have liked said celebrity, you might be surprised that they have died, you aren't actually sad or broken at all. In fact once you've read this, told me I'm an insensitive arsehole and possibly blocked me on Facebook you'll go back to doing whatever it was you were doing previously and not be sad at all.


So off you go, back to the kitchen, your job or talking to the postman, the grief for celebrity strangers is as fake as the bags sold on the streets of Barcelona. Get over it.

Are you an arsehole?

It's an easy enough question, but one I never need to ask myself.... I KNOW I am! But the question remains..... are you?

I have my opinion of you, as does everybody else, but in your head you think everybody loves you right? I've got news for you folks, at least half of the people you know have thought of a way to kill you and conceal your body at least once.

Let me give you a quick example based on what I saw this morning.


Exhibit A.

Skin tight jogging bottoms on men, I mean what fucking idiot woke up one day and thought "I know! I'll wear a pair of joggers so short and tight that people will be able to see what I ate for breakfast via a visual rectal examination.

You don't look good, you don't look trendy, you look fucking poor. You need to pop yourself along to Skidmark's and buy yourself a pair that fucking fit.


Exhibit B.

Trainers the size of three seater sofas. If your shoes are big enough to provide a comfortable home for 6 refugees they are too fucking big, I know you want the world to see the word NIKE emblazoned across them but all we see is another 4 letter word beginning with 'C', and let me give you a hint, it isn't cool. Today I witnessed a lad walking down the street that should have 44" calf muscles because of the effort it took to lift his feet off of the ground each time he took a fucking step.

It's not just the fact they are massive either, they are usually the colour of dog vomit, and have been worn for that long they have that flappy sole you expect to see on a tramps shoe.

Exhibit C.

A hoody, again, like the trousers, or pants as fucking weird people call them, that is far too small. I can see your fucking ribs through the fabric, you clearly need a cheeseburger or two, and a bigger top you twat. Even the hood is too small to put over your bulbous fucking noggin. It looks like somebody has put a skull cap on the worlds largest flesh coloured watermelon, you look like an idiot.

Exhibit D.

The way you walk. Unless you have just been sexually assaulted by a large marrow or have testicles the size of beach balls, might I suggest that you don't walk with your stupidly large shoes three fucking feet apart. It doesn't look like you're a gangster, it looks like you've just shit yourself.

Exhibit E.

Oversized headphones. We get it, you're listening to 'music' (if you can call the shite they listen to music that is) but do we need to see that you are? Do we fuck....

You bowl down the street (still looking like you've shit yourself) but now you're doing some weird bouncy walk too, kind of like you're proud of your anal leakage.

I don't care what make your fucking headphones are, I can almost tolerate the fact you want me to know that they are 'Beats' by Dr fucking Dre, but what I struggle with is the fact that you turn your head to show me the letter B on them.

I'm not sure if you think I am in need of a Sesame street syle education, or you are just asking for me to mug you, but you look like a cock. But let us presume it's for education, thank you! I have learned a lot. Today's show is brought to you by the letter 'B' for Bellend, Bastard, Bitch and Bumhole.

Exhibit F.

The back to front backpack....

Self explanatory, if you wear it on your front you are a cunt. Wow, look at that I busted a rhyme like Dr Dre!

You walk along fishing out random shit like a pot of Dairylea dunkers, and it looks like some weird fucking c-section.

Don't. Fucking. Do. It.


So that brings to an end an in depth example of the arsehole I saw this morning...... But I hear you saying "I don't have any of those items of clothing or traits!

Something you do, no matter how small, will piss somebody off. They will envision your body dissolving in an oil drum of acid after having been beaten to death with some form of wrench.



Conclusion.

We are all arseholes, I just happen to be less of one than you ;)

Social media (and more)

Bad English!


Why? Just fucking why?

It is your native fucking tongue, the words you should use to effectively converse with people, convey your requirements or feelings and generally be useful in the world. It's something we are taught by our parents from a young age, and then by our various schools as we drift towards adulthood.

So why is it that so many people in this country are so fucking bad at it?I have heard better English from the migrants in Calais than I see typed on Facebook on a daily basis, I swear to God it is unfathomable how bad people can be at speaking or writing the Queen's English.

I am far from perfect in my spelling and grammar, but at least I have a basic understanding of words, how and when to use them and even how to spell them correctly. But some of the oxygen thieves we have roaming our rolling green landscapes and financial powerhouse cities is nothing short of gobsmacking.


The App

I am currently looking into developing an app that will hopefully rid us of a few thousand mouth breathers overnight, it is called the spelling isis(t). The premise is simple, the app sits on your tablet, phone or computer and when you log in to a social media app you are confronted by the following screen.

This app will be the saviour of the English language, and you can thank me later. The idea is simple, once isis(t) is added to your phone it is impossible to delete, each attempt will apply another question to the social media unlock screen.

Once you tap your Facebook or Twitter icon the spelling isis(t) will spring into life and inform you that you must pass a basic English test to continue sharing your utter fucking drivel on social media, the shit that makes people want to kill you. And if you're questioning whether this app is aimed at people like you...... it probably is.

The questions will be similar to the following:

Q1) Insert the correct word into the following sentence, choose from there, they're or their
I will be _____ shortly, have they got ____ money for the drugs they want?

Q2) Insert the correct word into the following sentence, choose from his, He's or hes.
Do you have ___ phone number? I'd like to phone him about a pitbull he is selling.

Q3) please solve the following anagram
muoth braether

Q4) What does the following word mean.....?
'Fraud', is it:
A) Something you eat.
B) Something that happens to clothes when they wear thin.
C) The way you 'earn' more money than somebody who works because you milk the fuck out of the benefit system.


Once you answer 3 correct questions your social media account will open and you'll be free to share with the world what colour pants you have on, how many times your child has been sick out of his/her nose or what you're having for fucking dinner.

If you fail however, a message is sent to the local terrorist organisation who will visit your house and cut your hands off, this will render your fucking bullshit spouting days over in a heartbeat.


As I said, you're welcome.



The day I blamed a child!

So.... I was working the other week, and I had a bad stomach ache. It was early in the day so there weren't many customers around so I thought I might be able to squeeze out a cheeky bottom burp. Just as I was about to 'let it go' a young lad walked down the area I was in and stood quite close to me.

Unfortunately the launch procedure had already been initiated and there was no abort code in sight so I decided I just had to go with it. I can't even lie, it was fairly loud and had the consistency of a lumpy spectral custard. The child looked at me in utter disgust, I looked at him with a face that was half apology and half pride, and then a voice roared from round the corner.

Mumzilla: "JAAAAAAMES, You disgusting little boy!"

Poor James: "But mum......"

Mumzilla: "But mum nothing, you make me want to be sick!"

I did feel briefly guilty that this poor lad had been berated by his incredibly scary mother, so I quickly considered my options.

Me: "Don't be too hard on him, sometimes it is unavoidable".

James looked me up and down and as he made eye contact with me shot me a look that will never leave me, I actually think that in years to come he might see me walking down the street and mow me down in his Vauxhall Nova.

Skidmark!

Hi, How's it going? I'm asking this like I can hear your reply, but I clearly can't.

Been a while since I posted as to be honest I don't have a very interesting life right now, but I do have an interesting tale of how I farted in a supermarket and the child next to me got the blame from his mother, I'll finish that off in the next day or two and stick it online for you all to read or ignore.

Please read to the bottom this time, I have a plug for a friend and I would really appreciate it if you took the time to go and check out what they do.

Much love,

Dave x x x


A comic book costs HOW MUCH?


Katie wanted to go to Forbidden planet, that was fine as I like that shop, it brings out the inner nerd in me and brings back memories of travelling into Cambridge for college with Paul Cowley (will come back to him later) and sneaking off for a two hour lunch to go to laser quest and peruse the X files posters with the rather lovely Gillian Anderson looking all fit.

I learned very quickly that being a nerd is fucking expensive! It was thirteen quid for a glorified comic book, thirteen fucking quid! I think the Beano used to cost me like 30p or something. How these nerds can afford their hobby whilst never leaving their parents basement is a mystery up there with the Bermuda triangle, the Loch Ness monster and the truth behind the Roswell incident. A series of 5 comics will set me back a whopping £65! I don't spend that much on keeping my wife sweet in a year, let alone on 5 books full of drawings!

I enquired as to whether they might be willing to accept a vital organ in part payment but the lord of the nerds in charge of the till just peered out from behind a pair of impossibly thick glasses that would probably have stopped a photon torpedo dead in its tracks. He didn't say a word, not a bloody peep and that was it, Kelly handed over my bank card and I was slightly poorer. I wasn't happy, but the shop monkey was a ginger and I could feel him slowly robbing my soul so I decided to cut my losses.

Please don't get me wrong, it is a GREAT shop, I am just a tight fisted bastard!

At this point Kelly dropped a bombshell, I should have seen it coming but I didn't.



Primark is shit


Kelly: "I just want to pop in to PRIMARK"

Me: "ok"...... "Errrrrr wait.... WHAT?"

Kelly: "I just want to pop in and look for some shorts and a few T-shirts for Katie"

And that, is how to piss me off within 20 or so words. Primark, or as I like to call it SKIDMARK is a stain on society. I am not going to slam everybody that uses skidmark, because we do, but I found the experience utterly horrifying and I will not be rushing to return.

The place is Bedlam, there are people grabbing clothes off of shelves holding them up to inspect them and throwing them on the floor if they didn't meet expectation, on the fucking floor! I mean have a little dignity, I know the company provides cheap clothing, but somebody might want to buy that 9p bra you just flung to the ground.

It was however an opportunity to partake in a fascinating period of people watching. There is a real diverse cross section of people that use the store, and as I would never tar all people with the same brush I broke them down into categories.

Category 1: A normal person... decently dressed and respectful of the products on the shelf. Will purchase better quality items that are more likely to fit and/or last.

Category 2: The Pat Butcher... Buys items of clothing that look like a cross between roadkill and vomit. Has a fondness for drinking Gin from the bottle while shopping and purchasing earrings that could set off a broken metal detector.

Category 3: The tramp... Walks in with a limp, has LOVE tattooed on left knuckles and HAT on the other because the little finger of the right hand was gnawed off by a bull mastiff whilst owner was hammered. Drops clothes on the floor, uses them to wipe their nose and generally acts like a mouth breathing oxygen thief.

We mostly encountered category 3 inmates today, they insisted on shouting at their children who were no more than 18 inches from their suck hole. CHARDONNAYYYYYYYYYYYYY GET OVER ERE, I FOUND A FUCKING DRESS THAT SHOULD FIT YOU, I KNOW YOU'RE ONLY 4 AND THIS IS A SIZE 22, BUT YOU'LL GROW INTO IT INNIT!

I honestly cannot picture a worse place to shop regularly, it has its place, some of their clothes are cool (Charlie LOVES their MARVEL stuff) but it is literally a free for all with people setting upon each other like sharks caught up in a feeding frenzy!

The place is a toilet, a massive massive toilet.


Well that's almost it but.......

Before I go I'd just like to come back to my mate Paul Cowley, he's a genuinely all round good egg and I have a lot of time for him. He along with a couple of his mates (Dave and Mark) produce a podcast called HOT WAMPA, it is related to all things Sci-Fi, especially Star Wars! They have a wealth of knowledge when it comes to their subject matter and are very light hearted and fun.

Go ahead and check it out on itunes, or go to their Facebook page Hot Wampa (make sure you like it!) and you'll be able to listen to them for free! Go take a listen, it may or may not be something that is right for you, but unless you listen how will you know?

Check it out, or the force will fucking hate you.

Peace out fools!

Humanity is fucked...

Weeeeeell.........

I have tried to resist because I know a lot of people post these things on Facebook BUT then I realised that I hate these stupid posts so much I couldn’t hold off any longer. What is wrong with people? Do you really believe in all this shit?

Find the word with the spelling mistake...

GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE
GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE

GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE
GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE

GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE
GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE

Now eat 2 slices of toast, dance a jig while standing in the bath and punch a parrot in the tits.

Finally send me your bank sort code, account number, pin, mother’s maiden name and the spare key to your house, close your eyes and count to 1,000,000 then make a wish and it will come true.

NO. IT. FUCKING.WON’T.

Wishes are made by kids to revive their fucking hamster that grandad sat on after Christmas dinner or for people who believe in fairies, they are not real, they don’t come true and even if they did I am pretty sure Facebook would have found a way to monetise the wishes and sell it to us.

Talking of the word gullible, did you realise that it hasn’t featured in any form of dictionary since 2007 when it was deemed too confusing for idiots to understand? Amazing huh!


Or how about this one........

The only problem is I CAN think of one, It’s a little known town on the eastern state line of Ohio called PRICKville. The only reason people post shit like this is to get you to comment, like and share to increase their page and site traffic, you then get tempted to click on an external url that takes you to a site with advertising that earns them a shit ton of money because you think you’ve ‘beaten’ their oh so difficult test.


Or even this one......

If you share shit like this you won’t get crabs, but you will get 99.4% of your friends on Facebook cursing the fact you have the use of your fingers (or forehead looking at how some people type)

Why do people share the most mundane of shit?

Let me give you some examples.

“Can’t wait for my Sunday dinner” – Good for you, I can’t wait for you to stop breathing.

“Been for a walk” – Shame it wasn’t off of a cliff.


“Eating a packet of crisps” – I hope you choke.

“is thinking” – I highly fucking doubt it.

“Anybody know what the weather is doing today” – Look out of the fucking window..... dick!



Before you start pissing and whining about the pointless shit I post just remember these important facts.

(A) I don’t give a fuck
(B) Unless you are god you are NOT better than me, if you ARE god then you are almost equal.