Humanity is fucked...

Weeeeeell.........

I have tried to resist because I know a lot of people post these things on Facebook BUT then I realised that I hate these stupid posts so much I couldn’t hold off any longer. What is wrong with people? Do you really believe in all this shit?

Find the word with the spelling mistake...

GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE
GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE

GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE
GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE

GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE
GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE GULLIBLE

Now eat 2 slices of toast, dance a jig while standing in the bath and punch a parrot in the tits.

Finally send me your bank sort code, account number, pin, mother’s maiden name and the spare key to your house, close your eyes and count to 1,000,000 then make a wish and it will come true.

NO. IT. FUCKING.WON’T.

Wishes are made by kids to revive their fucking hamster that grandad sat on after Christmas dinner or for people who believe in fairies, they are not real, they don’t come true and even if they did I am pretty sure Facebook would have found a way to monetise the wishes and sell it to us.

Talking of the word gullible, did you realise that it hasn’t featured in any form of dictionary since 2007 when it was deemed too confusing for idiots to understand? Amazing huh!


Or how about this one........

The only problem is I CAN think of one, It’s a little known town on the eastern state line of Ohio called PRICKville. The only reason people post shit like this is to get you to comment, like and share to increase their page and site traffic, you then get tempted to click on an external url that takes you to a site with advertising that earns them a shit ton of money because you think you’ve ‘beaten’ their oh so difficult test.


Or even this one......

If you share shit like this you won’t get crabs, but you will get 99.4% of your friends on Facebook cursing the fact you have the use of your fingers (or forehead looking at how some people type)

Why do people share the most mundane of shit?

Let me give you some examples.

“Can’t wait for my Sunday dinner” – Good for you, I can’t wait for you to stop breathing.

“Been for a walk” – Shame it wasn’t off of a cliff.


“Eating a packet of crisps” – I hope you choke.

“is thinking” – I highly fucking doubt it.

“Anybody know what the weather is doing today” – Look out of the fucking window..... dick!



Before you start pissing and whining about the pointless shit I post just remember these important facts.

(A) I don’t give a fuck
(B) Unless you are god you are NOT better than me, if you ARE god then you are almost equal.

Cold calling the cold callers.....

We've all been there, you're upstairs going for a poo and you hear it....... The bloody home phone is ringing and it could be something vital, so you give it a quick wipe, hike yer trousers up and run down the stairs praying that they don't end up around your ankles with your head bouncing off of each step and gravity reminds you it is there.

You get to the phone, take a deep breath, prepare yourself for the worst news imaginable and gingerly pick up the receiver.

You: Hello

You: Hello?

You: HELLO??? 

You then tap the button a bunch of times to see if there is even a call there, which thinking about it is pretty dumb because it is always possible you'll cut that all important call off.... But of course nobody is there, because it is yet another fucking call centre sent to waste another 5 minutes of your life.

Well I've had enough, there's been a line drawn in the sand which they proceed to step over on a daily basis, and it's about time we pushed back.

I just received a call from a company in London that told me I'd been involved in an accident recently and could be due £10,000 in compensation. Now this accident must have been while under the influence of some new wonder drug (or Rohypnol) because I remember precisely fuck all about it. I tried to get rid as quickly as possible but decided after a couple of minutes that screwing with them would be far more fun. I asked him if there would be any paperwork to sign, he said yes..... that was his first mistake.

Me: Well that's just fucking cruel.....
Him: What is? 
Me: You know I had an accident!
Him: Yes, we're here to help you, I don't see the problem......
Me: If you'd looked at my case file you'd have seen that I had all 4 limbs torn off in an accident involving a combine harvester, How the fuck do you expect me to sign the fucking paperwork?
Him: Oh, I'm so sorry we just......
Me: This is so insensitive (fake tears and sobbing noises ensued) I can't even wipe my own arse and you're here asking me to hold a pen and sign paperwork......
Him: Please calm down Mr Powell, we have procedures in pla......
Me: How am I going to get my £10,000 if I can't (sob sob) sign my paperwork?
Him: well look, what we can do is....
Me: I was on the toilet when you called, do you have any idea how difficult it is getting down the stairs to answer a call when you've got no arms or legs? I've got friction burns on my stumps now, cheers a bunch (sniff sniff)
Him: Listen we can help you to.......
Me: I have 9 children to look after on my own, my wife died in a freak hang gliding accident, they're still finding body parts in the forest 6 months on! Why do you people do this to me?

The phone went silent, it's not often you get the chance to hush a salesman but I had achieved part one of my masterplan.

Me: Look give me a phone number and I'll call back later, I haven't been able to wipe properly and it's beginning to smell.

Good evenings!

The blithering idiot gave me the 0800 number, therein was his second calamitous error. I thanked him for his call, he apologised for his tactlessness (my word not his, it contains more than two syllables) and we parted ways. It was time to become the dicker instead of the dickee..... I picked up the phone and dialed the freephone number, after a couple of rings they picked up, and I went for it. In my finest most fake Australian accent I was off.


Call 1

Me: G'day!
Them: Er hello?
Me: My name's Shane and I'm calling from the Eastern Australia boomerang company.
Them: This is a business, not a home, we don't accept cold calls.......
Me: Oh mate, this is not a cold call, it's a red hot ring a ling! I've been authorised to offer you an extra 3.7732% discount on EVERY SINGLE boomerang you purchase today!
Them: Listen, this is really not right we have a job to do. 
Me: If you don't buy one from me I'll just keep coming back (get it!?!?!? She didn't!)
Click, the phone went dead.

Call 2 (ASIAN ACCENT)

Me: Helloings!
Them: hello, may I please take your name? 
Me: My name is A.J and I am calling from mobile phone shopping in Mumbai.
Them: OK.......
Me: I am incredibly pleased to tell you that we are currently upragdings peoples phones for absolutely free, and it will only cost you £43 per month!
Them: Listen this is a business number, and I'm kind of busy.
Me: This is fine, all you need to do is give me your email address and I will send you a formings with some details we require to activate your new Nokia 3310, all we need is your bank account number, sort coding, home address and mothers maiden name for security.
Them: Errr, you can't ask somebody for those details, that's not on.
Me: Neither is phoning me up three times a week and telling me I've had a FUCKING ACCIDENT!
Click.

Call 3 'THE HILLBILLY'

Them: Hello.
Them: Hello??
Them: HELLO???
Me: oh sorry mate I was errrrr...... 'GET BACK IN THAT CAGE, DON'T MAKE ME BEAT YOU AGAIN WOMAN!'
Them: Is everything ok?
Me: Yeah but this stupid bitch seems to forget she's my prisoner!

Click.

So next time you get a call that you really don't want have a little fun, it's an 0800 number so you lose nothing, and to be fair you might just cheer yourself up :)

Video games gave me herpes!!!

No, of course they fucking didn't.....



But let's be honest the world wants to blame games for the ills of the world, the reason that people kill each other on the streets and the reason that psychopaths become serial killers.

When I grew up I played  a lot of Monopoly, a game that should have taught me to be a wanker and charge the poor extortionate rent for a dingy one bedroom maisonette that had smoke damage and smelled of cat piss on Old Kent fucking road.

Another popular board game when I was young was called RISK! In a nutshell it was a map divided up into territories and the idea was to eliminate all of the other players by taking their land by force. I never did feel the need to overthrow the French government, and in actual fact I do believe that a nutter tried this LONG before the board game was thought of....... His name was Hitler, he was a massive bell end, he didn't play video games either.

In the news today it has been mentioned, nay recommended that any parents allowing their children to play video games of an age rating higher than their tender years should be visited and potentially ARRESTED by the police! Really? I mean.... REALLY????

What these silly plastic shoe wearing, tree hugging, soppy bollock left wing toerags seem to be ignoring is one painstakingly obvious flaw in their thinking, crime predates video games, electricity and even toilet roll. Yes, people were still cleaning their rusty sherriff's badges with a leaf or their hand when crime and violence were rife.

Thousands of years ago people were crucified, stoned to death and if you believe in the bible (That is a whole other topic I will get into one day) wiped from the earth via genocidal floods. I don't believe that GTA V or Call of Duty ever covered these events, unless I happened to miss the GTA V Nazareth update where cars were replaced with Donkeys.

The simple truth remains, if you are nuts you will forever be nuts, a video game does not a serial killer make. Can you imagine that Harold Shipman sat down for a game of destiny each night before plotting to bump off another old biddy? Did Hitler use Command and Conquer to plot his ethnic cleansing of the free world? Of course they fucking didn't.

I allow my kids to pay certain games, some are for children above their age range, others are not. I do this because I am not a lazy parent. I can use a game to explain to children why shooting a policeman would be a very bad thing. It is easy for these dicks to blame society, social media and anything else that happens to be the current scapegoat for them failing to give their children an education and boundaries.

I grew up watching horror movies at my friends house, Lucan and I would watch nightmare on elm street movies on video (Yes video kids, none of this DVD/Blu ray shit that requires no rewinding) but we didn't feel the need to go and slice people up, because we had this gift I like to call common sense.

Why is it that a soldier can be trained to kill from the age of 16 (although not seeing combat until 18) but they can't use a control pad to guide some pixels around a screen to shoot some other pixels, with bullets made of pixels. Did you know there is currently no minimum age for shooting a shotgun in the UK, I could let my 4 year old son shoot a hole in a pigeon, take photographs of the wounds and let him pluck and eat it, and that would be acceptable in the eyes of the law.

So please, before you allow yourself to be swept along by a tidal wave of political softness and remove your child's outlet for expression please take a look at your child, really look at them and think do I know my child. If you do and you know that your child will not be affected by the content of the game, ignore the idiots.

If however you think that a video game will be the breaking of your child and turn them into a gun toting psychopath then I am sorry to tell you that no amount of video game banning will stop them from becoming the next Anders Breivik.





Next up, Trolling a LibDem political hopeful over immigration issues.

The music's too loud!

An old man’s view of the world.

I know I’m getting old, I ache from head to toe, my hair seems to be vanishing from my head and appearing in my ears and nose like some form of home swap deal and my eyebrows if not kept in check would look like the rainforests of Belize.

I find music too loud, I find a lot of people highly irritating and my memory has gone to shit.

Did I mention the music is always too loud? Bloody music always too loud, and I have hair growing out of my ears like cress growing out of a yoghurt pot, you must remember those good old days? Did I mention the volume yet?

Well anyway a lot of things grate on me now that I probably didn’t give a second thought to before. One of those things is definitely the music (which is far too loud)

I’ve had children ask me what it was like in the war for Christ’s sake, that really upset me, although it did remind me of the time I managed to convince a young lady in Cambridge that I was a part of the SAS squad that rescued the hostages from the Libyan embassy. (Walter Mitty medal is hopefully in the post)

In a world where we have atrocities such as the spate of shootings in Paris, Canada and other countries, when we have 100 or more children killed in a school massacre by people in the supposed name of religion the last thing we need is stupid people saying stupid things just for the sake of it.

So as I sit in my sheltered accommodation with my carer (My wife Kelly) I decided to have a look at the things in life (music today) that irk me, that make my eye twitch and that are generally just fucking stupid. Go stick the kettle on, make yourself a tea or coffee and settle down, this could be a long one.


Meghan Trainor – It’s all about that bass.......

Well this is something refreshing, a girl with a few curves! She’s not the ugliest lass on the planet either, in fact if Kelly were to fall off a cliff....

But then, then she goes and fucking ruins it all by talking a load of old bunkum. Her mother needs to be reported to social services for neglect, she is clearly a ‘feeder’ and wants to keep her daughter overweight so she doesn’t find a fella and leave home.

Let’s take a look at her pearls of wisdom shall we?

‘All the right junk in all the right places’ ok, here’s issue number one. Junk by its very definition is rubbish, crap that should be got rid of. If you’ve got ‘junk’ darling it most certainly isn’t in the right places.

‘Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top’ No, no it isn’t, you might have a few curves but some women are just plain ugly.

‘Yeah my momma she told me don’t worry about your size, she says ‘boys they like a little more booty to hold at night’ Wow, just wow. Here is what is wrong with everything. If your momma said don’t worry about your size then she needs locking up, Meghan, you may not be huge but fat is fat and too much of it IS something to worry about. It is quite clear to me that your mother doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

In fact I like to think of myself as having the potential to write a song that would sound good, so let me rewrite this part of your hit.

‘Yeah my momma she told me don’t worry about your size, only kidding, keep eating like this you’ll get diabetes and die, so when you cram that next kebab right down your throat, Instead have a big healthy bowl of porridge oats’ I need to look into this parody writing, I think I could be the next ‘weird’ Al Yankovic.

Basically this song is a disgrace, we are teaching the youth it is ok to be overweight. I think that this song should be removed from the shelves at Woolworth’s immediately.


Nicki Minaj – Only.....

First up, her bottom is obscene..... It’s not attractive but I suppose it would give you somewhere to park your bike.

I really don’t know where to start with this one, this woman clearly has issues, she comes across as a very promiscuous lady who clearly hangs around with men of questionable character, I mean they don’t even offer to buy her dinner or take her to the Odeon to see the midday matinee before claiming they’d do incredibly lewd things to/with her.

Nicki kicks this snappy little number (which is too loud) off with an eye opening first verse.

‘Yo, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake, on my life man, fuck’s sake’  Well that’s just peachy! I’m pleased for you, but have a feeling there will be more to this story than her not having ‘fucked’ Drake or Wayne (both very modern names, William and Eric would have been far more appropriate)

‘If I did ménage with ‘em and let ‘em eat my ass like a cupcake’ - Holy heck! I thought people eating donkey would be abhorrent to the population of this country. Unless of course she means bottom, in which case I am almost speechless, but I did used to work with a kid we called brown nosed Ryan so maybe that is what she means.

‘Fuck with them real n****s who don’t tell n****s what they up to’ – Blimey, she’s quite an opinionated and angry young lady, and clearly quite racist because she keeps using that terrible ‘N’ word. I didn’t fight in the war for people’s freedom so they could use that word, we abolished slavery and work hard to banish racial intolerance to the history books, so please stop using that word.

Then Chris Brown takes over, I was told by a young’un once that this chap once beat up a young lady by the name of Rihanna. I think she sells waterproof clothing as I remember her talking about umbrellas on top of the pops once. Why she got beaten up is beyond me, I am sure she’s delightful and classy and beyond reproach.

‘Nothing but real n****s only, bad bitches only, Rich n****s only, independent bitches only, boss n****s only, thick bitches only, I got my real n****s here by my side, only’ – I’m not entirely sure what he’s talking about but in my day if we spoke like that in public we’d have got a clip round the ear and our mouths washed out with soap by grandma.

‘I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man, But when that's over then I'm first in line, and the other day in her Maybach I thought god damn, this is the perfect time, We had just come from that video, you know LA traffic, how the city slow, she was sitting down on that big butt, but I was still staring at the titties though’ – Well I am sure her partner is thrilled you could keep your hands off of his lady, but given the way you’re speaking about her I would have challenged you to a duel.

Lil’ Wayne picks up the story.....

‘I never fucked Nicki and that's fucked up, If I did fuck she'd be fucked up, whoever is hittin' ain't hittin' it right, Cause she actin' like she need dick in her life’ – I think that Lil Wayne is confused, it was Rihanna that got hit, and all this violence towards women is not at all pleasant. Why does she need Richard in her life, is he a relationship counsellor or something?

The ‘N’ word is used 20 times in this song, and I am sorry but I think if one race can’t use it then nobody can use it. If that word is included in songs like this, then surely it is keeping a word that causes so much hurt and hatred in the public eye. You cannot be outraged by a word when used by one person but find it acceptable when coming from the mouth of another. Especially when you know that people of all ethnicity will buy and listen to this ‘music’

I could take on her previous classic ‘anaconda’ but I’ll just drop the key lyrics right here and call her for what she is. A trampy, no good, slaggy, muggy, wanker. This song was played at a 5 year olds birthday party recently, I just thank god that at that age they’ll just be dancing like they’ve got no use of their legs, and don’t understand the words fully.

‘Gun in my purse, bitch I came dressed to kill, Who wanna go first? I had them pushing daffodils
I'm high as hell, I only took a half of pill, I'm on some dumb shit’

‘This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles, Dick bigger than a tower, I ain't talking about Eiffel's, Real country ass n****, let me play with his rifle, Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil. Now that bang bang bang, I let him hit it 'cause he slang Cocaine, He toss my salad like his name Romaine, And when we done, I make him buy me Balmain, I'm on some dumb shit’

‘Fuck those skinny bitches, Fuck those skinny bitches in the club, I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club, fuck you if you skinny bitches. What? Yeah’!

I really don’t know what to say, I am literally speechless.

What is wrong with the ‘music culture’ of today? It seems that there is so little talent out there that the ‘artists’ need to rely on controversy just to sell their records. Most music videos now would have classed as hardcore porn 15 years ago, it really frightens me as to what kind of a world we’ll be living in when my children are my age.

Don’t get me wrong there has always been drug taking, erratic behaviour and massive diva strops in the industry, just look at some of the rockers from the 60’s and 70’s and you’ll agree. Ozzy Osbourne has probably done more drugs on his own than the entire musical world between the 90’s and today, but at least they were people and not mass produced plastic bullshit that is churned out day in, day out by the likes of the X Factor.

Shopping is awesome, like getting ringworm is awesome....

OK, I hear you already, Dave are you crazy? ANOTHER shopping rant?

Well the answer to that is both yes and no.....

Kelly told me I was going shopping earlier, that's right TOLD me! I had no say in the matter, and even though she knows it is highly likely that Tesco will be the cause of my death or lifetime's incarceration she wasn't budging. I begged and pleaded to be let off of this highly stressful and demoralising experience.It didn't work, Kelly wheeled out the age old classic excuse "I've not got any makeup on" well I'd just like to say to anybody reading this YOU ARE WELCOME! Not many of you will have seen Kelly without a bit of slap on, and I know this for two reasons, (1) You are still on my friends list, and (2) You haven't been committed to an asylum, strapped to a gurney screaming "Monsters, monsters everywhere!"

So I strapped Charlie into his car seat and we set off for the place I envision as being the closest available equivalent to hell. As we approached Satan's lair I began to get sweaty palms, my heart rate went through the roof and a little voice somewhere in my head was screaming RUN DAVE RUN, GET AWAY AS FAR AS YOU CAN! But Kelly has been cranky for a while now so I told the voice to shut up, much to the confusion of Charlie who thought I was talking to him. He curled his bottom lip downwards and started to get watery eyes, I quickly explained I wasn't talking to him, which confused him even further.

As we crossed the threshold of hell's mouth I took a deep breath, but to my amazement everything felt very civilised..... People were calmly wandering by picking up their items and being rather chipper to be completely honest. It wasn't until I got to aisle 2 that I spotted my first eye watering sight. There, looking at milkshakes (go figure) was possibly the biggest woman I have seen in my entire life, it was a sight to behold. She must have weighed 450 pounds at the very least and was blocking trolley traffic in either direction and causing tailbacks that wouldn't have looked out of place on the M25.

 There's nothing unusual about a fat mothertrucker ordinarily, but being a larger person myself I always dress accordingly. But this lady clearly thought 'to hell with the world' I am going to cram myself in to the smallest clothes I can find.... And did she ever! Her denim shorts were so small they were cutting off the circulation to her legs, they looked like a beetroot stained piece of corned beef, which made me want a sandwich (but that's far from relevant at this point) Her top was snug to say the least and looked similar to when you try and put 6 pounds of play doh into an empty bean can. Rolls of loose skin hanged down from the arm holes and swung hypnotically as she waddled along the rows perusing every type of bad for you food you could imagine.

Then it happened, the most amazing, jaw dropping experience of 2014 and possibly far beyond, that I have seen in a long time. Being that it was close to store closing time there was a steady procession of Tesco staff carrying green baskets containing a veritable treasure trove of reduced goods! I have never, and I mean never witnessed a fracas such as this, and don't forget I was born in the age of sticker books where the scream of 'SCRAMBLE' prompted a violent melee to see who could get that elusive Ronny Rosenthal Tottenham Hotspur sticker that they needed to complete their book.

People were grabbing items from the baskets before the staff had a chance to get near the shelves, it was a free for all of biblical proportions. Two elderly gentlemen were grabbing bags of bananas, 5 or 6 bags were whipped out of the basket and it was then that Tesco fell silent. Two other pensioners (Japanese I think) had also made a grab for aforementioned yellow bounty and shit began to get real.

There was a tug of war with a combined age of AT LEAST 320 years, and it was so tense that nobody dared move or intervene. TheJjapanese lady muttered something under her breath which I hope was some form of death threat, then this conversation began.

Japanese lady: Ming hoy doo wah so! (Not racism, that's what it sounded like)

English gent 1: This is our country and our bananas, I had them first!

Japanese man: No, roo donn have divine right to baranas! (My impression is sooo much better in person!)

English gent 2: And you don't have a divine right to be in OUR country.

Japaenese lady: Roo have enough baranas ahready, roo reave some to the rest of us.

English gent 1: Over my dead body!

The Tesco employee looked rather shocked at the exchange and grabbed the barana.... I mean bananas from the pensioners, but this only made matters worse. The arguing had now turned to death stares, and the English lads were looking like they were in a bit of a tight spot. The Japanese couple looked like a pair of retired assassins, ninja's possibly, or the last of the Samurai (Fuck Tom Cruise, I mean the real Samurai) the Japanese lady actually moved her feet to give herself stronger footing and I was sure she was going to roundhouse one of the frail old boys in the jaw.

The man bringing the food out slowly edged his way between the couples towards the reduced shelf, between the steely glares of the Saga holiday clubbers and put the fruit on the shelf. The seniors looked at their fight club partners, then they looked at each other, and as one they all made their way towards the shelf, it was like watching 4 snails race for their lives, it was truly gripping........ However, they didn't count on the fact that I was a lot closer to the shelf than they were, and although a fatty I am still fairly sprightly when there's cheap or free food on the go, so I grabbed them and fucked off. Every time I bumped into the 4 tremblies they gave me a cold glance, if looks could kill I'd definitely have an ingrowing toenail by now.

To round off my shopping trip I taught Charlie my favourite shopping game, Stealth adding! i know it sounds like some quiet form of Mathematics, but it's way more fun than that.

Here are the rules,

1) You walk around looking for a target.
2) You wait for the target to leave their trolley/basket unattended.
3) You grab the highest value/weirdest item within reach and carefully place it in their shopping.
4) you stand back and smirk as they blissfully wander off with £50 worth of condoms and pregnancy tests in their weekly shop.
5) You get bonus points if you see them looking confused at the till as they put aforementioned items on the conveyor belt.

Don't ever tell me I don't give you anything!

Hope you have a great summer, if anything else occurs on my travels I'll keep you posted.


Much love,

Dave.

I'm a fucking trifle irritated

How's it going?

First up I'd like to wish all of my Irish and alcoholic friends a very happy St Patrick's day! I know very few of you need an excuse to get wasted, but today it is not only suggested but encouraged!

OK, now on to real world shit.

Tonight I took the family out for a bite to eat, I shouldn't have fucking bothered. You know it's going to be a bad night when you order 5 drinks and the waiter shoots you a look that makes you think you've asked him to describe the meaning of life. All I wanted was a Carlsberg, 2 cokes, a fruit shoot and a fucking lemonade, not the blueprints for a time machine drawing up and building.

I've seen Professor Steven Hawking write faster than this lad, and at the time old Hawk-o was holding the pen between his arse cheeks. Well eventually we got our drinks, although with the time it took you'd think he'd swum to the good ole' US of A for an original coke and a smile.

The waiter came to take our food order and glided off to the kitchen to fire up the microwave, I heard a couple of bleeps, dings and whistles that sounded akin to C3-PO being touched in his special place by Fred West, and that should have served as warning number 2.

I was hungrier than a Fox that was on hunger strike in protest of the price of Diesel, so I ordered the mixed grill. This, as most people who are true carnivores will testify is usually a caveman sized meal with enough meat to decimate an entire farm, but not this fucking one!

The mixed grill was described as the following:

- Half a chicken breast

- Gold award winning Lincolnshire sausage

- 4oz* Rump steak

- 5oz* Gammon steak

- Onion rings

- Fried egg

Now, this was entirely my fault I failed to notice the * next to the steak and gammon entries of the menu. This of course denotes that the aforementioned weight is UNCOOKED, I was about to be left more disappointed than Saddam Hussein when he was found hiding in a hole in the ground.

My plate was put down in front of me and I smiled, not a smile of joy, a smile that says 'fuck me, I've seen bigger and cheaper meals come out of Burger King' (See previous whinge) It did indeed contain everything listed on the menu, but let me give you my interpretation of the various elements.

- Half a chicken breast..... Yup, this was accurate, it was indeed half of a chicken breast, what they didn't specify is how big or small the fucking chicken was that donated the breast to my meal. The poor little bastard must have been less than a day old, I have seen more meat in a fucking chicken nugget.

- Gold award winning Lincolnshire sausage..... Yup, again accurate, however I can only assume that the award was not for the quality of meat but more likely for being the smallest sausages ever fucking made. It was so small I had to use a microscope to find the fucking thing.

- 4oz Rump steak..... 4 oz? are you for fucking real, I've given up more meat when I've had a nosebleed! 2oz of gristle and one quarter of an ounce of meat is a travesty.

- 5oz Gammon steak..... This must have come from the little piggy that went wee wee wee wee all the way home, it was close to non existent. I think that this meal could have been served as a vegetarian option because the 9 chips on my plate dwarfed the flesh I was eager to rip into.

- Onion rings..... I have just realised that the bastards didn't even put the onion rings on my fucking plate! I thought you couldn't miss what you never had....... That saying is a fucking lie, a plain and bare faced lie.

- Fried egg..... By now I have all but given up. 2 words........ Quail egg.

My meal was gone within 3 minutes due to it being so small, but at least I had dessert, or at least I thought I did.

first out came a kid's ice cream for Charlie, he was happier than a pig in poo, then came 3 portions of chocolate fudge cake, one each for Kelly, Katie and Harry. Kelly ordered hers cold, it came hot, but hers were the least of our pudding related problems.

I ordered the Victoria trifle, it sounded amazing and I started to drool at the prospect of something to eat after my starter of a main course.

The dessert was described as follows:

A Victoria sponge topped with Strawberry jam, Custard Syllabub and clotted cream mousse, finished with toasted flaked almonds and served with Cornish vanilla ice cream. Tell me that doesn't sound fucking incredible! OK I haven't got a scooby what Syllabub is, I'd have guessed at it being a common Turkish surname, in fact I am sure I have heard the guy at the Kebab house call his mate Mehmet Syllabub.

I waited, and I waited and I waited a little longer. Everybody else had finished their dessert and stared across the table at me like I was the odd one out. It never came, not a bastard thing, I was looking forward to that more than a holiday in Florida but I was left more disappointed than a blind man who thought he could see but turned out to just be having a dream.

I am sat here typing this with tears streaming down my face, I want the world to come to and end so other people know my sorrow.

I'm off to write a nice letter to the company that own the restaurant, if I can make it rude enough I'll post it on here later in the week.

The world sucks.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!..... Or not.

Well first of all let me get the pleasantries out of the way. I wish you, your family and your friends a very happy new year. I mean that too, some people will have had a great 2013, others will have had a truly shitty one (Like us for example).

Now lets get down to business, as Big Ben struck out those thunderous bongs there was a happy, calm dare I say it almost normal feeling in our house. It's not often we can say that!

Kelly, Katie and my nephew Harry all stayed up to see in the new year, Kelly was roped into playing some form of dog racing betting game, she looked ready to kill or be killed long before it had finished. I managed to dodge this bullet and instead settled down in front of the TV for a few games on the XBOX.

Before I knew it a couple of hours had passed, the missus made some shoddy excuse about being tired and skulked off to bed, with the kids not far behind her. I continued playing Battlefield 4 for a little while, but just as I started to feel tired I heard some curious voices permeating the wall of our house.

At this point I would warn you that if you are of a sensitive nature you may not wish to continue, but who are you kidding, there's no way you're going to stop reading this now, is there?

The voices started off muted at first, you know what I mean I'm sure, a raised voice but kept hushed because the conversation/argument hasn't properly developed. Within minutes the dial had been turned a couple of notches and I could hear the voices more clearly.......

Man: You, my mum, my dad and everyone else for that matter are ruining my fucking lives (I did briefly ponder how many lives one person could have, but then I came to the conclusion he was possibly half cat)

Woman:: How have we ruined your fackin' life?

Man: You just can't stand..... mmmmmffff...mmmffffffff........ fackin' let it go can you?

Woman: Just calm down...

At this point there was a lot of banging, 4 or 5 really loud bangs, and then a splintering, smashing type of sound. I assume he punched through a cupboard door, what a fucking macho man!

Man: Well you can all fack right off, I'll just fucking kill myself!

Woman: What are you talking about, there's no need to be so fackin' stupid, you ain't gonna do shit.

Man: I will! I'll fucking kill myself!

Man: I'm not fackin' scared to do it, I'll fackin' kill myself!

Woman: No you won't, just calm down!

Man: Pack your bags and get out of my house, I want you gone, the lot of you just GO!

There was a lot of slamming of doors, more screaming and shouting (outside now) and then silence, golden, blissful silence. Now I was going to go out and tell them to knock their shit off, or I'd do it for them, but for some reason (I can't think of why) I decided to not get involved in somebody else's domestic strop.

But this posed a dilemma, what the hell am I supposed to do to ensure this shit never happens again? I decided that I'd write a nice polite letter, tell me what you think....... You can either reply on this blog (comments below this thread) or drop me a facebook message of some kind. Well here's what I planned on writing.


Dear neighbours,

We haven't met yet, I know you moved in a couple of weeks ago, but our paths have not yet crossed. It's lovely to finally hear your voices, and I can't wait to put a face to them.

I'd just like to thank you for including us in your 3:30am discussion about your mother and father ruining your life. I've never felt so at ease with a stranger than I did this evening as cups, saucers, tables and chairs rained against the other side of my dining room wall.

I particularly liked the bit where you said you'd kill yourself, it was a real high point of the evening as we ushered in a new start. Please let me share a little secret with you...... If you EVER bang and crash around like that again, you won't need to contemplate suicide, because I will kick your fucking door in, drag you into the street, cut your tongue out and staple it to your fucking forehead.

Don't make idle threats, if you want to die, then my dear neighbour just go for it. I am fairly sure that the world will not miss one more knuckle dragging oxygen thief.

I have phoned the Jeremy Kyle show, but without a few more details he's not willing to give you a slot on his show, so can you please provide me with the following information that I can pass on.

1 - Are you the father of your girlfriend's baby?

2 - Are you unemployed?

3 - Do you smoke copious amounts of weed or crack? If not are you willing to start so you can fail the obligatory drug test?

4 - Have you ever hit a woman?

5 - Are you willing to be told to 'put something on the end of it' and stop reproducing?

Once you have supplied these details I am sure Jezza can make some form of soap opera out of your fucking shambles of a family life.

You woke up my children, you woke up my wife and you annoyed the life out of me, so I warn you once more, DO NOT EVER, EVER, EEEEEVER pull that shit again, or I will shovel enough fucking pills down your gullet that you'll feel like a goose shortly before its liver is ripped out of it's fucking warm carcass to make foie gras.

Please find attached 12 packets of aspirin, 12 packets of ibuprofen, 12 packets of paracetamol and a carton of Um Bongo (They drink it in the Congo) If you should ever feel the cage rage building and another handbag waving fight is looking likely, I'd appreciate it if you start guzzling the pills down like a fat kid with a bag of skittles. I'll be there to make sure you swallow the lot, and if you start to feel a little full up I will gladly force the rest of them down your pie hole with a cricket bat. This way my children won't sit there worried that the fucking wall is going to cave in and I won't have to listen to you.

Alternatively you could use them to cure the thumping great big hangover and embarrassment that you'll be feeling after last nights twattishness.

Once again, great to make your acquaintance, I look forward to quiet neighbourly barbecue's in the summer, and building nice snowmen in the winter.



Kind regards,

Dave


So should I send it or not? I don't really care as I don't know them, I don't care about them and if they take exception to what I write then I can punch him in the throat and claim self defense.

2014 already sucks and it's only 5 hours old!

I'm now off to get something to eat, as I haven't eaten since last year!


Much love, Thanks for reading and once more I hope you have a joyous, prosperous and very, very happy new year.