The music's too loud!

An old man’s view of the world.

I know I’m getting old, I ache from head to toe, my hair seems to be vanishing from my head and appearing in my ears and nose like some form of home swap deal and my eyebrows if not kept in check would look like the rainforests of Belize.

I find music too loud, I find a lot of people highly irritating and my memory has gone to shit.

Did I mention the music is always too loud? Bloody music always too loud, and I have hair growing out of my ears like cress growing out of a yoghurt pot, you must remember those good old days? Did I mention the volume yet?

Well anyway a lot of things grate on me now that I probably didn’t give a second thought to before. One of those things is definitely the music (which is far too loud)

I’ve had children ask me what it was like in the war for Christ’s sake, that really upset me, although it did remind me of the time I managed to convince a young lady in Cambridge that I was a part of the SAS squad that rescued the hostages from the Libyan embassy. (Walter Mitty medal is hopefully in the post)

In a world where we have atrocities such as the spate of shootings in Paris, Canada and other countries, when we have 100 or more children killed in a school massacre by people in the supposed name of religion the last thing we need is stupid people saying stupid things just for the sake of it.

So as I sit in my sheltered accommodation with my carer (My wife Kelly) I decided to have a look at the things in life (music today) that irk me, that make my eye twitch and that are generally just fucking stupid. Go stick the kettle on, make yourself a tea or coffee and settle down, this could be a long one.


Meghan Trainor – It’s all about that bass.......

Well this is something refreshing, a girl with a few curves! She’s not the ugliest lass on the planet either, in fact if Kelly were to fall off a cliff....

But then, then she goes and fucking ruins it all by talking a load of old bunkum. Her mother needs to be reported to social services for neglect, she is clearly a ‘feeder’ and wants to keep her daughter overweight so she doesn’t find a fella and leave home.

Let’s take a look at her pearls of wisdom shall we?

‘All the right junk in all the right places’ ok, here’s issue number one. Junk by its very definition is rubbish, crap that should be got rid of. If you’ve got ‘junk’ darling it most certainly isn’t in the right places.

‘Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top’ No, no it isn’t, you might have a few curves but some women are just plain ugly.

‘Yeah my momma she told me don’t worry about your size, she says ‘boys they like a little more booty to hold at night’ Wow, just wow. Here is what is wrong with everything. If your momma said don’t worry about your size then she needs locking up, Meghan, you may not be huge but fat is fat and too much of it IS something to worry about. It is quite clear to me that your mother doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

In fact I like to think of myself as having the potential to write a song that would sound good, so let me rewrite this part of your hit.

‘Yeah my momma she told me don’t worry about your size, only kidding, keep eating like this you’ll get diabetes and die, so when you cram that next kebab right down your throat, Instead have a big healthy bowl of porridge oats’ I need to look into this parody writing, I think I could be the next ‘weird’ Al Yankovic.

Basically this song is a disgrace, we are teaching the youth it is ok to be overweight. I think that this song should be removed from the shelves at Woolworth’s immediately.


Nicki Minaj – Only.....

First up, her bottom is obscene..... It’s not attractive but I suppose it would give you somewhere to park your bike.

I really don’t know where to start with this one, this woman clearly has issues, she comes across as a very promiscuous lady who clearly hangs around with men of questionable character, I mean they don’t even offer to buy her dinner or take her to the Odeon to see the midday matinee before claiming they’d do incredibly lewd things to/with her.

Nicki kicks this snappy little number (which is too loud) off with an eye opening first verse.

‘Yo, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake, on my life man, fuck’s sake’  Well that’s just peachy! I’m pleased for you, but have a feeling there will be more to this story than her not having ‘fucked’ Drake or Wayne (both very modern names, William and Eric would have been far more appropriate)

‘If I did ménage with ‘em and let ‘em eat my ass like a cupcake’ - Holy heck! I thought people eating donkey would be abhorrent to the population of this country. Unless of course she means bottom, in which case I am almost speechless, but I did used to work with a kid we called brown nosed Ryan so maybe that is what she means.

‘Fuck with them real n****s who don’t tell n****s what they up to’ – Blimey, she’s quite an opinionated and angry young lady, and clearly quite racist because she keeps using that terrible ‘N’ word. I didn’t fight in the war for people’s freedom so they could use that word, we abolished slavery and work hard to banish racial intolerance to the history books, so please stop using that word.

Then Chris Brown takes over, I was told by a young’un once that this chap once beat up a young lady by the name of Rihanna. I think she sells waterproof clothing as I remember her talking about umbrellas on top of the pops once. Why she got beaten up is beyond me, I am sure she’s delightful and classy and beyond reproach.

‘Nothing but real n****s only, bad bitches only, Rich n****s only, independent bitches only, boss n****s only, thick bitches only, I got my real n****s here by my side, only’ – I’m not entirely sure what he’s talking about but in my day if we spoke like that in public we’d have got a clip round the ear and our mouths washed out with soap by grandma.

‘I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man, But when that's over then I'm first in line, and the other day in her Maybach I thought god damn, this is the perfect time, We had just come from that video, you know LA traffic, how the city slow, she was sitting down on that big butt, but I was still staring at the titties though’ – Well I am sure her partner is thrilled you could keep your hands off of his lady, but given the way you’re speaking about her I would have challenged you to a duel.

Lil’ Wayne picks up the story.....

‘I never fucked Nicki and that's fucked up, If I did fuck she'd be fucked up, whoever is hittin' ain't hittin' it right, Cause she actin' like she need dick in her life’ – I think that Lil Wayne is confused, it was Rihanna that got hit, and all this violence towards women is not at all pleasant. Why does she need Richard in her life, is he a relationship counsellor or something?

The ‘N’ word is used 20 times in this song, and I am sorry but I think if one race can’t use it then nobody can use it. If that word is included in songs like this, then surely it is keeping a word that causes so much hurt and hatred in the public eye. You cannot be outraged by a word when used by one person but find it acceptable when coming from the mouth of another. Especially when you know that people of all ethnicity will buy and listen to this ‘music’

I could take on her previous classic ‘anaconda’ but I’ll just drop the key lyrics right here and call her for what she is. A trampy, no good, slaggy, muggy, wanker. This song was played at a 5 year olds birthday party recently, I just thank god that at that age they’ll just be dancing like they’ve got no use of their legs, and don’t understand the words fully.

‘Gun in my purse, bitch I came dressed to kill, Who wanna go first? I had them pushing daffodils
I'm high as hell, I only took a half of pill, I'm on some dumb shit’

‘This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles, Dick bigger than a tower, I ain't talking about Eiffel's, Real country ass n****, let me play with his rifle, Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil. Now that bang bang bang, I let him hit it 'cause he slang Cocaine, He toss my salad like his name Romaine, And when we done, I make him buy me Balmain, I'm on some dumb shit’

‘Fuck those skinny bitches, Fuck those skinny bitches in the club, I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club, fuck you if you skinny bitches. What? Yeah’!

I really don’t know what to say, I am literally speechless.

What is wrong with the ‘music culture’ of today? It seems that there is so little talent out there that the ‘artists’ need to rely on controversy just to sell their records. Most music videos now would have classed as hardcore porn 15 years ago, it really frightens me as to what kind of a world we’ll be living in when my children are my age.

Don’t get me wrong there has always been drug taking, erratic behaviour and massive diva strops in the industry, just look at some of the rockers from the 60’s and 70’s and you’ll agree. Ozzy Osbourne has probably done more drugs on his own than the entire musical world between the 90’s and today, but at least they were people and not mass produced plastic bullshit that is churned out day in, day out by the likes of the X Factor.