Cold calling the cold callers.....

We've all been there, you're upstairs going for a poo and you hear it....... The bloody home phone is ringing and it could be something vital, so you give it a quick wipe, hike yer trousers up and run down the stairs praying that they don't end up around your ankles with your head bouncing off of each step and gravity reminds you it is there.

You get to the phone, take a deep breath, prepare yourself for the worst news imaginable and gingerly pick up the receiver.

You: Hello

You: Hello?

You: HELLO??? 

You then tap the button a bunch of times to see if there is even a call there, which thinking about it is pretty dumb because it is always possible you'll cut that all important call off.... But of course nobody is there, because it is yet another fucking call centre sent to waste another 5 minutes of your life.

Well I've had enough, there's been a line drawn in the sand which they proceed to step over on a daily basis, and it's about time we pushed back.

I just received a call from a company in London that told me I'd been involved in an accident recently and could be due £10,000 in compensation. Now this accident must have been while under the influence of some new wonder drug (or Rohypnol) because I remember precisely fuck all about it. I tried to get rid as quickly as possible but decided after a couple of minutes that screwing with them would be far more fun. I asked him if there would be any paperwork to sign, he said yes..... that was his first mistake.

Me: Well that's just fucking cruel.....
Him: What is? 
Me: You know I had an accident!
Him: Yes, we're here to help you, I don't see the problem......
Me: If you'd looked at my case file you'd have seen that I had all 4 limbs torn off in an accident involving a combine harvester, How the fuck do you expect me to sign the fucking paperwork?
Him: Oh, I'm so sorry we just......
Me: This is so insensitive (fake tears and sobbing noises ensued) I can't even wipe my own arse and you're here asking me to hold a pen and sign paperwork......
Him: Please calm down Mr Powell, we have procedures in pla......
Me: How am I going to get my £10,000 if I can't (sob sob) sign my paperwork?
Him: well look, what we can do is....
Me: I was on the toilet when you called, do you have any idea how difficult it is getting down the stairs to answer a call when you've got no arms or legs? I've got friction burns on my stumps now, cheers a bunch (sniff sniff)
Him: Listen we can help you to.......
Me: I have 9 children to look after on my own, my wife died in a freak hang gliding accident, they're still finding body parts in the forest 6 months on! Why do you people do this to me?

The phone went silent, it's not often you get the chance to hush a salesman but I had achieved part one of my masterplan.

Me: Look give me a phone number and I'll call back later, I haven't been able to wipe properly and it's beginning to smell.

Good evenings!

The blithering idiot gave me the 0800 number, therein was his second calamitous error. I thanked him for his call, he apologised for his tactlessness (my word not his, it contains more than two syllables) and we parted ways. It was time to become the dicker instead of the dickee..... I picked up the phone and dialed the freephone number, after a couple of rings they picked up, and I went for it. In my finest most fake Australian accent I was off.


Call 1

Me: G'day!
Them: Er hello?
Me: My name's Shane and I'm calling from the Eastern Australia boomerang company.
Them: This is a business, not a home, we don't accept cold calls.......
Me: Oh mate, this is not a cold call, it's a red hot ring a ling! I've been authorised to offer you an extra 3.7732% discount on EVERY SINGLE boomerang you purchase today!
Them: Listen, this is really not right we have a job to do. 
Me: If you don't buy one from me I'll just keep coming back (get it!?!?!? She didn't!)
Click, the phone went dead.

Call 2 (ASIAN ACCENT)

Me: Helloings!
Them: hello, may I please take your name? 
Me: My name is A.J and I am calling from mobile phone shopping in Mumbai.
Them: OK.......
Me: I am incredibly pleased to tell you that we are currently upragdings peoples phones for absolutely free, and it will only cost you £43 per month!
Them: Listen this is a business number, and I'm kind of busy.
Me: This is fine, all you need to do is give me your email address and I will send you a formings with some details we require to activate your new Nokia 3310, all we need is your bank account number, sort coding, home address and mothers maiden name for security.
Them: Errr, you can't ask somebody for those details, that's not on.
Me: Neither is phoning me up three times a week and telling me I've had a FUCKING ACCIDENT!
Click.

Call 3 'THE HILLBILLY'

Them: Hello.
Them: Hello??
Them: HELLO???
Me: oh sorry mate I was errrrr...... 'GET BACK IN THAT CAGE, DON'T MAKE ME BEAT YOU AGAIN WOMAN!'
Them: Is everything ok?
Me: Yeah but this stupid bitch seems to forget she's my prisoner!

Click.

So next time you get a call that you really don't want have a little fun, it's an 0800 number so you lose nothing, and to be fair you might just cheer yourself up :)