The most wonde.....

That's what the song title implies, right?

It really can be the most wonderful time of the year, but at the same time it can bring with it an emotional, financial and psychologically testing time too.

Think about it, the strain of keeping up with the trends of toys, tech and fashion for our children can make paying important bills tricky, Kelly and I have experienced this in years gone by, and it has certainly taken an emotional toll on us as we've scrimped and saved and gone without to keep up with the spending levels of friends and family.

Many people have lost loved ones around the festive period, and this time of year drags up painful memories of loss, it can cause feelings of isolation and loneliness to resurface year after year, these people experience this every year at a time we're all losing sight of what's important, because as I said above we feel duty bound to bankrupt ourselves to get the 'best' presents. And while we're doing this we're forgetting to look after number 1, so that we can better look after others.

Well let's think about all of this a little.

The other day I was talking to Katie (14 years old) and she was telling me about her friend that goes to America for a holiday every single year. They were having a conversation and Katie mentioned that we were going camping in Cornwall for our summer vacation. As puzzling as it was initially Katie's friend's eyes LIT UP at the idea of camping! "I wish we could do something like that, my mum and dad spend a fortune doing the exact same thing year in year out and it gets boring!"

And that's a huge point I'd like to make, the best memories are those things that are out of the ordinary, you get a new £5000 watch every year and it isn't a thrill, you get something like that once every few years and WOW! The BEST memories come from feelings and emotions, not from expenditure.

Another thing Katie said to me is that some of her friends feel unloved by their parents, and that she'd rather have the family life she does than all the money in the world (she is so wise for her age) and to hear that brought tears to my eyes (that I can feel creeping into the corner of my eyes as I type this)

So my point......

Make memories this Christmas, don't be suckered in by the adverts that draw you into a materialistic world. Playing a board game together and laughing until your stomach muscles ache and it feels like your face needs medical assistance. We don't NEED to spend a fortune, we tend to feel pressured to.

And while I'm talking, let's touch on how people feel at Christmas.

I know as well as anybody the HUGE psychological strain of Christmas, a time where everybody is upbeat and buzzing around like worker bees, going from shop to shop collecting the nectar to make the hive happy. So why is it that I often feel tired, emotional and generally hollow at this time of year? I mean how can anybody feel depressed at Christmas?

Well let's be honest, it's not like we can help how we feel is it? Depression doesn't have a set pattern, the triggers are different for everybody, in fact for a lot of people there are simply no triggers at all. This can lead to growing frustration and feelings of guilt that we can't explain, but that then soak into our soul dragging us deeper and deeper into the murky darkness that claims the sanity of so many good people each year.

What can we do to fix it? Well first of all I think we need to accept that we can't control how we feel directly. We can rationalise the fact that we're not intentionally feeling like we're worthless, but yet we still do. The key to fixing it is obviously different for each person as no two cases are ever the same, but we can take steps to help drag ourselves out of this fog before we fall too deep.

- Talk to people, a problem shared is not necessarily a problem halved but it is a problem that isn't hidden any longer. If people understand that we are struggling then they are more understanding of why we want to hide under a blanket and let the world pass us by.

- Go and see our doctor. It goes without saying that medication DOES work and I know this because it has helped me on numerous occasions. BUT, yes that's a big but, it doesn't always fix us completely. So get out, try to fight those feelings of isolation, and talk yourself into going to see auntie Barbara and uncle Maurice, even though their house smells of old people and boiled cabbage. The less time we spend hiding the easier it becomes to keep socially active.

- Smile, yes I know this is a contentious point but stick with me. Bang on a stand up comedy show you like, talk to a friend that makes you laugh like a maniac, do everything within your power to remain positive. It's not easy I get that, I have told many people to fuck off when they've told me that positivity fixes depression IT DOESN'T, but it can certainly help us to battle it if we buy into it.

Well, if you've made it this far I thank you, as it is fairly long winded, but at this time of year more than ever we need to keep on top of our own health. I want you all to have a great festive period, but I also have a huge favour to ask before I go.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check in on somebody you know is, or has in the past, struggled to cope with mental health. If we can all just check up on one person in this situation then we improve the quality of life for somebody with just a few simple words, don't tell them to snap out of it, don't ask them what they have to be depressed about, just say something like this.

Hey __________,

Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and to say that I love you and value you as a friend. If there is EVER anything you need, or want to chat about over a coffee then drop me a message and we'll get it sorted.

You are loved,

Dave x

It's that simple, and a message like that could LITERALLY save a life. The smallest action can have the biggest impact if it is genuine and comes from the heart.



Merry Christmas to all of my beautiful friends, if you need me you know where I am, I'll even have my phone with me on Christmas day, and NOTHING is more important to me than knowing that the people I love are safe and well, so drop me a message if you need to talk, shout HELP! if you're struggling and I'm there.

I love each and every one of you,

Dave x

Fast food..........

Yeah yeah, it HAS been a while..... well suck it up buttercup!

Let's just get into it, because I'm sure you don't want to hear about all the mundane things in life. Oh I did hit 40 while I have been away, and I can confirm that life does indeed begin at 40, if life consists of bad back, an even shorter fuse and not being able to trust a fart ever again.

There are few words that when strung together make me both incredibly happy and angrier than the Hulk after he's been given a parking ticket for overstaying by 47 seconds.

"Hello, and welcome to......."

Fucking drive-thru's are the bane of my life, they sucker you in with their tasty wares, and then they decide to fuck with you on a level that makes your spleen ache.

Why is it that when they are given that fucking headset they wear they suddenly think that they are the captain of the fucking starship enterprise? Get me my fucking burger or you might find it a struggle to Klingon to life! (See what I did there? That was a proper nerdy geek joke)

Well just lately KFC has managed to really get under my skin, they are fucking masters of it, I don't even know where you go, or who you get trained by to hit the levels of absolute fucking gormless that they achieve.

My love/hate relationship with KFC goes back almost 18 years, since a fateful day when they gave me chicken that turned me into a double ended fucking fountain, I didn't know whether to sit on the toilet with my face in a bowl or vice versa, all I know is that I ended up in an Essex hospital on a drip because I pissed and shat out 93% of all the water in my body leaving me looking like a fat Dorito that has been left out in the sun.

"Hi, KFC Ely, what do you want?"

Well first up you little fucker I'd appreciate some fucking manners, but seeing as I have a sneaking suspicion that you have the IQ of a melted wellington boot I'll not push my luck.

I placed my order, it wasn't huge, but all four of us were eating.

1 x Large fillet box meal with a thigh piece, gravy and a Pepsi max cherry.

2 x Large boneless banquet meals with gravy, sweet chilli dip, and Pepsi max cherry
1 x Zinger tower burger

1 x Large popcorn chicken

Fairly easy order right? Well no, no it fucking wasn't, because as soon as you present your bank card they FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE-THRU.

It's like they play an unintentional game of Chinese whispers. What you say gets passed down a line where it becomes so fucking warped and distorted by the time you collect your order you're not sure whether you'll get your food or an elephant leg umbrella stand or three tickets to fucking Les Miserable.

So what did I get??? Well let me tell you, it wasn't even close to what I ordered.

The fillet box meal came with a drumstick instead of a thigh, the beans were in an espresso cup, yup beans, I mean they look similar to gravy, right? They had run out of Pepsi max cherry and it was all served in a bag as they had run out of boxes.

The boneless banquet meals came with no pepsi max cherry, 1 x gravy, 1 x beans (both in espresso cups) NO sweet chilli dip and served in a bag.

The Zinger tower burger came out with no fucking tower! My hash brown was completely missing, it was more a fucking bungalow burger, oh and it was missing the 'Zinger' part too because it just had mayo.

On the plus side they did manage to get the large popcorn chicken right, even though it was served in two small boxes because they had run out of large boxes too. Oh and did I mention that they had also run out of large cups? So we then got 3 x medium soft drinks and 3 x soft drinks served in fucking coffee cups!

I actually wonder how businesses manage to run with the sheer incompetence that is displayed by these mother fuckers.

And to top it off I reckon they may well have played football with the chicken, because the following morning I could have shit through the eye of a fucking needle.

Fuck you KFC, fuck you in the eye.

Lost...

I have always used my blog as a form of therapy, I try to keep it light, because, as the old saying goes "Laughter is the best form of medicine". But is it? Is it really? Or is it just a facade that we use to mask how we truly feel?

Take my world, aside from the whole 'episode' of depression I went through late last year (2016) I seem perfectly back to normal right? Well that, if I am perfectly honest, couldn't be further from the truth.

I am broken, I am lost, I am scared, I am struggling, drowning in a sea of self doubt and anticipated failure in my future. I struggle to see a day where I will have a successful life, in fact, if I am perfectly honest I am sure I will NEVER have a financially successful or emotionally stable world that I can be proud of.

Let me first separate family from emotion.... I love my wife and kids more than anything in the world, they are my reason for battling through a week of crushing loneliness fought inside my own head. They don't know the struggles I face internally unless I allow them to, and I am unwilling to do so because I don't need them feeling a fraction of the torment I do. I get emotional because of my family, I feel love and pride, I feel angry when somebody upsets them and I feel sad when they are sick or in pain. But the emotions that course through my veins on a daily basis are all to do with them and yet nothing at the same time.

A few weeks ago I was talking to somebody with whom I share a mutual friend, and I was informed that this mutual friend had turned around and said that "Dave can't be depressed or struggling, he's got a missus and children" now this really took the wind out of my sails. This comment was made by somebody that I have invested a lot of time, emotion and energy into to try and keep their head above water as they dealt with their own struggles, and it made me so fucking angry.

So, just because I have a wife and kids I don't know what depression is eh? I don't know what it is to struggle? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! Did you ever stop to think that a huge part of my instability, self doubt and brokenness is BECAUSE of my worries about the future of my family? I worry about putting food on the table, I worry about providing financial stability for my children and wife, something that you are utterly clueless about because you live at home, have 3 meals a day cooked for you, and haven't got a fucking clue how the world works once you step up of your mum and dad's basement.

You think that it is easy running a family? You think it is a divine right of marriage to be happy, in control and always on the front foot. You've got a fucking rude awakening coming your way if that is truly what you think.

The battle in your head and your heart is not won the day you say 'I do' or when you hear the first cry of your newborn child, the battle never ends, the darkness keeps pushing away, eating into what happiness you manage to hold.

For the last 5 months I have tried to hold myself together, tried to put on the front of 'big, fat jovial Dave' the guy who has a sense of humour, never lets things get him down for long, but I am losing that fight. I spend hours each night trying to work out why I can't keep on top of myself, trying to find that well paid career that will enable me to spend more money on the kids, taking them places, doing fun things at the weekends, and never worrying about whether we can afford to do it.

All of my life I have been told 'You couldn't do that David, that's not the right job for you' and you know what? I heard it that often I subscribed to it, I felt sure that the advice I was being given was correct, and that I will never amount to anything. That shit is hard to shake off, and it is even harder to deal with when you don't have the drive and direction to correct that thought process.

But the older I get, the more I realise how much time I have thrown away just surviving, I have no career to speak of, I am on the bottom pay scale in a job that if I am honest I now dread going to every day. I appreciate that people at work will read this and might even think I am ungrateful in my attitude, but I need to be honest with myself as well as other people if I am to ever overcome this huge hurdle that is before me.

The crushing weight of depression briefly left me back in January/February, but it came back soon after, and it is eating away at my very soul. I don't want to be a failure, I am not wallowing in self pity, I am simply lost, and I have no idea how to find myself. I have tried medication, I have tried meditation, I have tried fresh air, I have tried so many different things, but still that cloud follows me. I write this as another wave crashes over my thoughts, smashing my fragile self onto the rocks of self doubt and even self loathing.

As I said above, I love my family dearly, but as odd as it sounds I hate my life. Kelly and the kids are a bright spot in an endless horizon of darkness, I cling onto that light, but it gets harder every single day. I'm so tired of the internal struggles on a daily basis, I don't talk to Kelly about things because that's not fair. She'll read this and most likely be angry because I am spilling my guts in public so to speak, but talking to those you love most is also the hardest because you want to protect them from what you feel, what you see when you close your eyes.

Some people will read this and possibly think I write for attention, and in the past I have, but I promise you that this post and the previous one about the same subject is far from that, it is just a way of getting some of what I feel down in words, and hopefully allowing others to see what they are feeling isn;'t something they are going through alone. If what I write offends you, or makes you think less of me as a person then I get that, if it makes me less of a man then so be it.

The fog is getting thicker, it is getting more and more oppressive and it is all around me. I will keep looking for a guiding light, a direction and a purpose, but right now it feels as if it is completely and utterly out of my hands and my reach.


Much love,

Dave.

My battle with depression (mental health week)

Hi :)

So I know people come and read my blog for a laugh, usually at my expense.... but today I want to write about something that has affected myself and my family in a way that I never could have realised, because I didn't see it coming.

I am talking about depression, anxiety and all the other shit that comes with these awful afflictions. This week is Mental health awareness week, and I believe that the time is right for me to share my experiences with as many people as possible. This is not a viral post that you have to share 1000 times or your dog will get diabetes, but I encourage you to share it if you wish. If me opening up to what happened can help even a single person spot the 'markers' that precede depression then I feel I am doing the right thing.


So here goes, and my apologies, it gets kind of dark in places.

Depression is like walking through cobwebs, at least it was for me. One web would hang on as I brushed by, then another and another, they kept clinging to me, building up and building up until they got to be too much for me to handle, and they dragged me down to the ground and refused to let me rise. Sure sometimes I could drag myself back to my feet, but sure enough more and more webs would tangle me up and I was back to the floor. The problem comes in the fact you don't notice them building until it is far too late, and then unless somebody else spots your problems you are in a whole world of trouble.

I had noticed some abnormalities in my life for sure, I became argumentative (Yes, more than normal) I was so horrible snappy and irritable with those whom I loved the most and I became more emotional than I could understand. Of course, being 'Big Dave' I wasn't depressed, I mean how could I be? I'm the one always cracking the jokes, winding people up in the name of entertainment.....

I still blame myself for not spotting how much I was falling, people I was close to at work had begun to notice small changes in me, a wonderful friend caught me bawling my eyes out in the warehouse and having dealt with depression and extreme anxiety himself got me to thinking maybe there WAS something going on with me. So I went home early that day, and I sat on the sofa feeling angry at my lack of emotional control, but I still wouldn't fully accept that I had anything any worse than anybody else.

I looked at my issues, and aside from a few bits at home, and being bored at work (sorry management) I was fine, wasn't I? So why did I feel like an abject failure? Why, even though I have the most amazing family did I feel like I wasn't good enough for them? It came to a head one night after a huge argument at home, I went out and I drove for 7 hours straight, I drove to Ipswich and back on a loop, to Cambridge for no reason whatsoever, and I didn't stop crying the whole time.



Let's change direction for a bit, How do you spot depression? Check out this picture below, can you see any obvious signs of struggle? Do I look like somebody who literally hated who I was? Do I look like somebody that was going to cry through entire comedy movies because of absolutely no reason whatsoever?

This picture was taken in Kings Lynn, I had already considered stepping in front of a train that morning as I absolutely believed in my head that my family would be better off without me. I am welling up with tears at my stupidity for ever feeling that, because leaving my family to cope without me would have been horribly tough on them, and they'd literally have been clueless as to why I actually did it.

The rollercoaster of euphoria and then absolute emptiness was taking its toll on both family and friendship, I was pushing away the very people I should have embraced, but although I knew I wanted them to be a part of my world I didn't want to be a burden on them, I was almost ashamed of being at that point where I should have stood up and shouted from the rooftops

I NEED HELP!


But I didn't, I suffered in silence, lashed out at kindness and generally came close to throwing away everything I had worked so hard to achieve. This was my biggest mistake, I see it now. 

Suicidal thoughts flooded my brain over the coming weeks, trains, pills, jumping....... All of them fleeting thoughts, but real enough to at some point bring a calmness and logic to an illogical situation. But I guess I still had a thin layer of self preservation because although I walked along the tracks I never walked on them. I really struggled with whether to include this information, I hate the thought that Katie might have read this and worried, so I spoke to her and she understood my need to be honest, for a 12 year old she is wise beyond her years.

It was after sitting by a level crossing for an hour watching the trains go by that I had a bit of a eureka moment. It finally clicked that I couldn't do this by myself, I needed professional help before I reached the very bottom and was trapped forever. It took a good week or so to get an appointment because I wouldn't mention suicidal thoughts to the Doctor's receptionist, I was sure that my kids would be taken into care or that I'd be locked away in some form of padded cell and force fed so I couldn't hurt myself with cutlery. 

When I finally managed to go and see the Doctor I burst into tears (again) but he was so good to me, he clearly understood how I was feeling, why I was feeling it and how best to begin unravelling my tangled emotions and thoughts. There was no judgement from him, he believed me, he wanted to help, and THAT was the most liberating moment I had felt in weeks. We talked about medication, emotional triggers, contributing factors and many other things, but I still withheld how desperately low I was.  Our weekly meetings to check my progress restored a percentage of my sanity, but I was still far from fixed. 

At home the kids would avoid me, because I was verbally horrible to them, I'd shout at them for no reason, and I still regret that to this day, all I can hope is that they understand it wasn't coming from me, it was coming THROUGH me. Kelly and I were also constantly at each others throats, I became so disinterested in anything she had to say or asked me to do that I left her a whole pile of life's dirty laundry without an explanation. 

She thought I was faking it, there's no escaping that. She honestly believed I was doing it to get time off of work, and her logic was that because I was 'happy' on the xbox chatting shit with friends and became depressed and withdrawn when things needed doing, that I was just shirking responsibility. The xbox, and talking crap with mates was my safe space, I had no pressure on me, and I could escape from those horrible feelings for hours at a time. 

Financially the time I was taking off of work was also a massive burden on Kelly, it was the best part of 20 weeks that I was off of work, and statutory sick pay doesn't go very far in this day and age. Thankfully a few of Kelly's friends who had partners and parents that had been through the darkest of times and come out the other side, and they explained perfectly how I was feeling, why I was behaving the way I was, and that eventually it would get better. These people know who they are and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their messages of support to myself and Kelly. 

As the weeks passed and Kelly got to understanding that I was really unwell she learned to adapt, she took the extra strains of daily life on and I am so grateful for that, because I literally had no strength either mentally or physically to deal with things. One day she sat on the floor and hugged me for almost an hour, she didn't say anything, she just held me while I cried myself into a stupor.

Eventually things began to improve, but it took 3 different types of medication and trial and error with dosage before I began to be able to process the most basic of emotion. So I guess that sums it up, I know I have bleated on for ages and it has been far from humorous, but I really felt the need to share this, to let people know that it CAN be beaten, it is a battle that is worth fighting, because the alternative is awful.


 
I need to put on record my gratitude to my family and friends that I put through hell at times, I thank you for your support, your understanding and your patience. I thank my wife for not beating me to death in my sleep because I was so horrible. I thank my amazing children for giving me hug therapy when I was in the doldrums.


If this resonates with you, if you feel even one or two of the things that I have mentioned above then please look out for yourself. I will always keep an eye open for friends during their darkest days, but sometimes they disguise it well, just like I did. NEVER BE ASHAMED of reaching out to somebody, never think that you are alone. If you're in a bad place look for the light, it may be a friend, it may be a hobby, it may be a bottle of pills prescribed by a doctor, or a counselling session, hell it may be all of these things, but ASK!


Here is a link to the mental health awareness website, it is full of resources that may be useful to somebody. 

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week

Normal service will resume with my blog at the beginning of next week, I don't do serious often, and I thank you for reading this much.

Love you all.

Your friend,

Dave.

Gullible as fuck....

gullible

ˈɡʌləb(ə)l/

adjective

1. easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.

   
   

   "an attempt to persuade a gullible public to spend their money"

   
   

Why are some people so absolutely lacking in common sense that they can't see through a scam or a viral message that is utterly false? These fucking spunk trumpets form a sadly ever growing community of people that should be tethered to a balloon and left to float off into space. They serve next to no purpose other than for the amusement of people who are more intelligent than a brain injured cow.

But Dave I hear you ask, what the fuck do you mean? How can people be THAT fucking stupid? It surely isn't even possible!?!?!?

Sadly it is, some people are so gullible you could sell them any cock and bull story and they'd blindly follow it like a lemming off of a cliff.

So let us take a quick look at some of the shit people tend to believe.......

THE FAKE COUPON

Ah yes, the fucking fake fucking coupon....... A favourite myth of many a fucking mouth breather. "OMG LOOK!!!!" "They are giving everybody a voucher worth £___ because it is 25 years since a pigeon got run over in their car park".

But they aren't, are they? You absolute fucking bumhole, how much would it cost a company like Aldi, Tesco or others to give everybody that clicked 'accept' a voucher for this much money? I mean are you really that stupid that you think it is going to happen? They don't even let you use your loyalty points for fucking fuel, so they are hardly going to give you a fuck ton of shit for nothing are they?

Give your fucking head a wobble you retard.

THE RANGE ROVER GIVEAWAY

Do you honestly think for one fucking second that you're getting a free Range rover? Do you not find it amazing that each time this fucking 'competition' appears it clearly states 'for the FIRST time in Facebook history' even though this message seems to appear every 3 fucking weeks?

Just tell us what colour you'd like in a comment, wave a tampon above your head for 30 seconds and recite the Lord's prayer backwards in Swahili and you could be a winner! Only you're not going to be a winner are you? You know why? Because the page that supposedly is Range rover's 'official' page has 258 likes! Of course it isn't fucking genuine, but you knock yourself out trying to win an imaginary car.......

In fact, want to buy some magic fucking beans? I have only 47000 left, they normally retail for £8000 each but I will do you a deal for just £20 each!

Just comment with your full name, sort code, bank account number and mother's maiden fucking name.

Do you even realise how big of a disappointment you are? Not only to your direct family, but to the whole of humankind!

                                         
                                            

                                        FACEBOOK ARE GOING TO CHARGE YOU!

Oh yeah, it's official alright! You're officially a gullible cock juggling thundercunt. How many more times is this going to surface? How many more times do I need to fucking point out that it is and always will be a fucking hoax? I am so tired of watching idiots tripping over their tongues in blind panic that they might be charged for using this shit that it is becoming very tiresome. The only charge you should receive should be through an electric fucking chair for so fucking simple!

THE UGANDAN LOTTERY

Anybody falling for this one needs sealing in a fucking giant tupperware tub and burying alive. Don't worry, we'll leave instructions to dig you up in 40 years, and hopefully by then they will have a cure for fucking stupid.

The premise is simple, you are emailed by a random 'lawyer' who tells you that you have won $42 billion UGD. Sounds fucking amazing doesn't it? All you need to do is send £10,000 to a generic Ugandan bank account that has been set up with a false name and address to 'unlock' the funds and hey fucking presto you'll be fucking rich!

The problem comes when

A) The money doesn't appear in your bank within 72 hours
B) $42bn UGD is converted to approximately £42.50 and a packet of crisps.
C) you sold your vital organs for the 'arrangement fee'
and
D) You have probably already accidentally nailed yourself to a fucking tree because you are an actual fucking idiot.



So to sum up.........

Why are people so fucking stupid these days? I mean I could literally be a fucking millionaire if I had no conscience. I could scam fools left right and centre out of their hard earned cash, milk tokens and probably even their shoes if I wanted to. But I can't bring myself to do it, because it would be taking advantage of the people I hope will become fucking human shields should world war 3 break out in the not too distant future.

God bless the gullible, not only do they help others get rich, they also provide us with countless hours of fucking entertainment.

If any of these apply to you and you know me personally I would request that you come and find me either at home or at work so I can slap you in the chops for being a fucking dime bar.


Next up will be cyclists, I hate those fucking pedal powered fucks!

Speak soon :)

Eyebrows.....

Guess I should begin with a quick Q&A......

Q: Where the fuck have you been?
A: Well basically I had a bit of a nervous/mental hiccup, it really knocked me for six and really stifled my ability to be an actual arsehole.

Q: Did you die?
A: Clearly not, you fucking wally.

Q: Are you back or back back?
A: I am so fucking back it hurts! I am basically feeling like a new person, full of disrespect, anger and a liberal sprinkling of spite.

Q: How do you manage to always look so ruggedly handsome?
A: Witchcraft.

Q: Do you ever offend anybody?
A: Nahhhhhh......

So now we have cleared that up, I guess it is time for me to dive headfirst into the bullshit that is...... EYEBROWS! Yes, most of us have them, yes some people have lost them, I am not focusing on the ins and outs of the furry face caterpillars, I am simply aiming my rage at the women who seem to think it is acceptable to try and outshine Ming the fucking Merciless from the movie Flash Gordon.

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So first up, meet Ming. ruler of the planet Mongo and general all around bad ass.

Pretty sure you'll agree he fucking rocks those eyebrows! But then of course he would, he can control climates of  distant planets, cause earthquakes and volcanoes, and generally fuck up what was otherwise a perfectly normal Monday. So we agree that he has earned them right? Good!

Dave's eyebrow rating 10/10 Hail Ming!

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You know who hasn't earned the right to appear to be in a permanent state of surprise? This fucking imbecile!

I mean What. The. Actual. Fuck? I'm almost at a loss for words..... But thankfully not completely. Who advised this wally that having the international symbol for a water park tattooed onto her forehead was a good idea? I mean you could forgive her if she had drawn them on, but they look like they are there for the duration. 

"Hey Barbara, you know what would look really cool?"

"What?"

"We could tattoo a couple of hump back bridges onto your slap, you'd be the envy of everybody!"

Dave's eyebrow rating 3/10 But mummy why is the water park closed?

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Next up I present you with tragedy number 2, the sharpie brow experiment. By experiment I mean failure.

Let's ignore (if at all possible) the fact that her face has the shape of a misshapen potato, the fact that her eyes are so close together she could legally be declared a cyclops and that spot on her chin that is the size of China.

Oh fuck it, I can't pretend that I am going to have anything positive to say....... You look like a fucking disaster, when I said earlier that all women have something beautiful about them I hadn't actually found this image. She looks like a fucking Sontaran from doctor who!

You can even make out the fact that she started at the inner point of her brow and held the pen there too long because the ink has begun to spread a little.

Dave's eyebrow rating 2/10 I really want a baked potato for dinner now... Sontar ha!

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I hesitate to critique this next young lady as it appears she has enough issues already, she looks that miserable that her face is trying to slowly sneak away from her skull after striking a deal with gravity, but then again...... fuck it.

Is it possible for eyebrows to have an eating disorder? I mean these are so thin that Oxfam have started an urgent public appeal to send rice and clean water to them! I'm not sure if this young lady is sad, depressed or actually just feeling smug as to how awesome she *thinks* she looks......... Somebody buy those brows some junk food!

Dave's eyebrow rating 1/10 Please donate just £3 per month to help nourish these pathetic brows.

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This next errrr.... entry, has clearly decided that labour saving is of vital importance during her beauty regime.

Two, is almost always better than one... Unless you are counting stab wounds, sexually transmitted infections or the number of cats found in your chicken chow mein.

This lady however seems to disagree, she has decided that one eyebrow is clearly the way forward as it cuts down on maintenance time. Why she has drawn an extra eyebrow around her mouth also escapes me entirely, but hey as long as she is happy being single and ridiculed... all power to her.

Dave's monobrow rating 0/10 stop being fucking lazy!

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I really struggle to see what these women think they are doing..... at some point I am sure they thought their plan was sound, that they had a chance of making themselves look like a goddess, but I'll be honest if I saw them in the street I'd immediately call for a priest, a bible and a large bottle of fucking holy water!

I know that some people will think I am being a bully with my comments of these special folk, well my message to you is I am sorry.......

........Sorry that you are such a fucking precious little snowflake, now take a good look at yourself in the mirror, slap yourself in the chops and grow a pair. These goons chose to put these horror show pictures on the Internet, and therefore should be prepared to take the public backlash that comes with it.

So ladies, sometimes less is more, and on the rare occasion that more is better might I suggest that your more is not the same as these ladies more.


Sorry for abandoning you for so long,


Dave xx

P.s I already have my next blog lined up, so it should be less than a week before you are forced to click 'I don't want to see this' on Facebook again.

Lego, and the land of.....

The introduction

Remember Lego? That plastic block shit that if you stand on it is likely akin to treading on a fucking landmine, yeah that's the one :)

Did you know they have a theme park in Windsor? You didn't? Oh... well let me fucking enlighten you!

First of all allow me to explain how violated I feel after my trip there, I am certainly not tight fisted when it comes to money, but I lost less money when Megan Fox emailed me from Nigeria asking for a 5k loan so she could come and see me, the lying bitch!

Lego used to be cheap, it's not any more, I saw a lego castle for sale the other day for £250, that is a fucking joke, it's a bunch of plastic pieces! Well the theme park is just as fucking ridiculously priced.

For a family of 4 it will cost you around £160, that ain't cheap..... but wait there's more, and this is where I will pick up the story.


The trip

Once I had got my breathing under control for finding out how much the wife had spent to go and look at lego we set off for Windsor. The drive down was unremarkable, well aside from the £160 worth of tickets THAT I HAD TO FUCKING PRINT MYSELF staring at me from the dashboard of the car. Upon arrival we were directed to the 'nearest' car park by a bunch of spotty, scrawny, suicidal looking 15 year olds, they seemed to take a perverse pride in telling us that we then had to pay £5 for parking.

I wanted to make a fuss about ticket prices, but I had a really pressing problem, I needed a poo, and it wasn't in the mood for waiting any longer. "Mate, where are the toilets?" I asked. He pointed across a dusty scrubland and then extended his arm further to indicate an even further distance.

The walk was excruciating, I felt like I was 9 months gone, limping and shuffling myself along the wasteland with vultures circling above, sensing they had a cheap and massively plentiful meal in me. It felt like a 30 minute walk to the entrance, but thankfully they had toilets outside and I rushed in. I patiently waited, occasionally dropping into a crouch to use my heel to push my imminent arrival back in and eventually made it into the one, yes ONE cubicle in the gents bogs.

No sooner had my arse landed on the seat there was a tap on the door, I am used to this because we have 1 bathroom between 5 of us at home, and although we have a ticket system similar to Tesco's deli counter it rarely works out. "I'll be as quick as I can mate" I said, probably in a quite irritated voice. "My kid really needs to go to the toilet mate" was the reply. Well yeah dickhead so do I, and I think I might need an epidural too so please leave me the fuck alone. I mean really can't I even shit in peace?

Theme park!

Once we made it through checkpoint fucking Charlie and into the park we were immediately greeted by one of my most favourite sites in the world, that being the wonderful world of hypocrisy! A woman in full on Niqab was walking around in FATHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS'S fucking grotto! I shit you not, a devout Muslim (which I have NO issue with) was mixing it up with St Nick!

It was a hot day, really hot in fact and I was in need of refreshment, so I popped to a drinks stand and took a look at the prices, OH EMM actual fucking GEE! £2.75 for a fucking cornetto? Are you fucking kidding me? £2.20 for a bottle of water, you know that shit that falls from the sky? Two pounds fucking twenty! It felt like I had been rectally violated without pain relief or lube as I walked away with a Fanta, a water and nearly a tenner less in my fucking pocket.

The rides are all aimed at young children too, so if you like watching your kid have fun you're in luck, if however you want to have a little fun yourself I suggest bringing a pair of pliers and pulling your nails out as you queue for an hour to go on a fucking fairground ride. The staff manning the rides are a worrying mix too, ranging from suicidal to waaaaay too enthusiastic, you know the type I mean, the ones that smoke crack during their 10 minute break.

For me one of the best aspects of a day like this is people watching, and this trip was no exception, after the delights of Islam popping in to Santa's workshop for a brew I also witnessed grown adults wearing denim dungarees. I shit you not, I thought I was on the set of the music video for fucking 'come on Eileen'. I also have to give an honourable mention to the lanyard wankers. There were quite a few of them, they had Merlin VIP passes and really wanted the world to know it! Most of them were fine, not making a show of themselves, but others were waving their pass around like they were Mulder or Scully from the fucking X files!

My favourite moment though was reserved for the most Irish situation I have ever witnessed (sorry Irish folk) and it was played out by....... an Irish woman! I was queueing with Charlie for a go one a kid's ride, anybody over 0.9 metres could ride it. A girl stood next to the size guide and was tall enough, she was so excited bless her, lie a kid in the proverbial sweet shop. Her mum walked over, grabbed her by the arm and started to frog march her away saying rather loudly "I told ye, yer too fookin' tall for dat roide!" That was it, I couldn't contain my glee, I was properly belly laughing and her partner had clearly spotted me wiping the tears from my eyes. Thankfully he fought his daughter's corner and eventually (literally 10 minutes of proper argument) the fella made his ever so slightly retarded wife see sense.

Back to cost now as I was getting hungry, the choice is fairly limited either a hot dog for nearly a fucking fiver or a steak baguette for 25p short of £7, with no chips or drink! I looked for a policeman but due to cutbacks they no longer investigate theft or extortion, they save their resources for this http://davidpowell78.blogspot.com/2012/10/police-recruitment-test.html and I had to just bend over and take it again.


So to summarise, Legoland is ok, fucking expensive, but ok.

I promise to write more in the coming weeks.

Much love,

Dave.