I was watching Jeremy Kyle this morning because he kicks arse!

I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if one of the blokes on stage was the father of a baby that looked like it had been cross bred with a really ugly Camel and the bastards went to a commercial break.

During the break 2 adverts really stood out to me, they were as follows....

Cats protection: Can you spare £3 per month to help feed this starving kitten?
Me: That sounds perfectly reasonable, where's my phone?

But something made me hesitate and by fuck am I glad I did. The very next advert was this.....

Advert: Just £2 can supply a MONTH of school lunches for an African child.
Me: Fucking Brucey bonus! I get to take the moral high ground AND save a pound a month!

But then I stumbled across an idea that might just be so fucking revolutionary I might be in line for a Nobel prize or something equally as highbrow!

What if we took all the stray cats and dog, kittens, puppies, snakes, lizards, eagles, rhino's and other animals people discard as pets, render them into a quarter pound patty and send them out to disadvantaged countries?

Well after a couple of moments deep consideration I decided not only is it possible my idea should be implemented as soon as is humanly possible.

This is the chain of events as I envision it.....



I started to do some research and I discovered that 5.5 million cats, kittens, dogs and puppies are euthanized in the USA every single year. This is a fucking travesty! What a waste of perfectly good meat!!!

By my understanding we could reduce the need for the general public to contribute to so many charities therefore ensuring considerable funding boosts for major charities. There would be a massive reduction in world hunger, even if it only provided one meal every other day it’s better than they are receiving now.

And finally it’d boost employment, there would be an increased number of jobs in the butchering industry, abattoirs, cooking, delivery/logistics and administration to name but a few it’s a win win situation!

Then I figured why stop there, so many species of animal are critically endangered, The giant Panda, various breeds of Rhino, Tigers and many, many more species are draining the charity pots of tens of millions of pounds (at least) every single year. Sell off the panda meat as exotic panda burgers, we could get Jamie Oliver to front a campaign for the proper preparation and cooking of rare meats. After all Jamie believes in healthy eating, and Panda is very good for Iron and low in fat.

Who needs elephants? I mean don’t get me wrong they are majestic creatures but an elephant leg would fit conveniently on a kebab shops rotary grill, they’d only need to pull off the toenails and the job’s done! I have cleverly made up some foodstuffs that I believe could be a real winner.

The death of the English language!

Don't get me wrong, my English is FAR from perfect, in fact I have probably already made half a dozen grammatical errors. There is one thing in life that drives me mad (actually there are hundreds of things that drive me mad.... But let's leave that satanic arsehole Tesco's out of this blog)


The evil I am speaking of is something that has rapidly forced its way into our way of life and sadly shows no sign of departing, I am of course talking about txt spk!

Why is it that people feel the need to shorten words into some random bastardisation of its original self? It's not even lyk it is completely necessary really either, most mobile phones have autocomplete.

I use a voip software on my computer to talk to friends, it's free and very simple to use, but I noticed that even on that some people feel the need to abbreviate words when they are actually speaking to you in person.

When someone leaves the chat channel they often say BRB.... could you not just say be right back? or even I am desperate for a dump, if I don't go now you may hear noises that only my toilet should ever hear. I don't know if it is just convenience that makes people shorten their txt msgs or whether it is to disguise the fact that they are just very poor spellers, but I know one thing and that is the dire need for txt spk to FRO (Fuck right off)

The younger generations are losing all understanding of how vital a good vocabulary is and it's not going to get betr unless we make a stand against it m8s! Is it that much of a hardship to include 1 or 2 extra letters in your message? I suppose cost effectiveness could also be a reason but if you can't afford an extra 10p for a message then might I suggest you sell your phone and string 2 bean cans together for a free conversation with your loved ones.

A few of my most hated txt wrds r:

D or Da - The, it's a fucking three letter word, omg (oh my god) why on earth are you so fucking lazy?

Wen - When, again it takes more effort to remember the bastard abbreviation than to type the full pissing word!

Dat - That, lazy sod.

I know that it is vital to punt out a minimum of 40 text messages every 90 seconds so that you can get back to watching who's going to be unveiled as the feckless dad of the Chinese baby on Jeremy Kyle (the 5 'fathers' in the studio are made up of 3 black guys a white woman and a poodle) but just take a minute to save our English!

The Americans have already taken English, claimed it as their own and tinkered with it to make things less confusing for them :(

For some reason they feel the need to call Aluminium aluminum, and jewellery jewelry, that's half understandable though, but please call it the American language as we don't want to be lumped in with your spelling mistakes!

So yeah, Tesco's sucks, I went there again today and some fat bird and I mean REALLY fat nearly got her shit served when she tried to take the last £1 Cherry pie that I had earmarked for dessert after my Sunday dinner.

wel dats bout it 4 2nite, Im off 2 \_/ 22 pints of Stella yl -ing c@ hairs frm my shell suit.

Weirdly Shell suit comes out as the correct words, I suppose that's because my fashion sense is 20 years behind the times and txt spk was just a dribble in a chav's pants back then.


Have a good evening, if you agree with me and want the death of this abomination of the English language then please tell just say 4Q!

Big love,

Dave.