I was watching Jeremy Kyle this morning because he kicks arse!

I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if one of the blokes on stage was the father of a baby that looked like it had been cross bred with a really ugly Camel and the bastards went to a commercial break.

During the break 2 adverts really stood out to me, they were as follows....

Cats protection: Can you spare £3 per month to help feed this starving kitten?
Me: That sounds perfectly reasonable, where's my phone?

But something made me hesitate and by fuck am I glad I did. The very next advert was this.....

Advert: Just £2 can supply a MONTH of school lunches for an African child.
Me: Fucking Brucey bonus! I get to take the moral high ground AND save a pound a month!

But then I stumbled across an idea that might just be so fucking revolutionary I might be in line for a Nobel prize or something equally as highbrow!

What if we took all the stray cats and dog, kittens, puppies, snakes, lizards, eagles, rhino's and other animals people discard as pets, render them into a quarter pound patty and send them out to disadvantaged countries?

Well after a couple of moments deep consideration I decided not only is it possible my idea should be implemented as soon as is humanly possible.

This is the chain of events as I envision it.....



I started to do some research and I discovered that 5.5 million cats, kittens, dogs and puppies are euthanized in the USA every single year. This is a fucking travesty! What a waste of perfectly good meat!!!

By my understanding we could reduce the need for the general public to contribute to so many charities therefore ensuring considerable funding boosts for major charities. There would be a massive reduction in world hunger, even if it only provided one meal every other day it’s better than they are receiving now.

And finally it’d boost employment, there would be an increased number of jobs in the butchering industry, abattoirs, cooking, delivery/logistics and administration to name but a few it’s a win win situation!

Then I figured why stop there, so many species of animal are critically endangered, The giant Panda, various breeds of Rhino, Tigers and many, many more species are draining the charity pots of tens of millions of pounds (at least) every single year. Sell off the panda meat as exotic panda burgers, we could get Jamie Oliver to front a campaign for the proper preparation and cooking of rare meats. After all Jamie believes in healthy eating, and Panda is very good for Iron and low in fat.

Who needs elephants? I mean don’t get me wrong they are majestic creatures but an elephant leg would fit conveniently on a kebab shops rotary grill, they’d only need to pull off the toenails and the job’s done! I have cleverly made up some foodstuffs that I believe could be a real winner.