Lego, and the land of.....

The introduction

Remember Lego? That plastic block shit that if you stand on it is likely akin to treading on a fucking landmine, yeah that's the one :)

Did you know they have a theme park in Windsor? You didn't? Oh... well let me fucking enlighten you!

First of all allow me to explain how violated I feel after my trip there, I am certainly not tight fisted when it comes to money, but I lost less money when Megan Fox emailed me from Nigeria asking for a 5k loan so she could come and see me, the lying bitch!

Lego used to be cheap, it's not any more, I saw a lego castle for sale the other day for £250, that is a fucking joke, it's a bunch of plastic pieces! Well the theme park is just as fucking ridiculously priced.

For a family of 4 it will cost you around £160, that ain't cheap..... but wait there's more, and this is where I will pick up the story.


The trip

Once I had got my breathing under control for finding out how much the wife had spent to go and look at lego we set off for Windsor. The drive down was unremarkable, well aside from the £160 worth of tickets THAT I HAD TO FUCKING PRINT MYSELF staring at me from the dashboard of the car. Upon arrival we were directed to the 'nearest' car park by a bunch of spotty, scrawny, suicidal looking 15 year olds, they seemed to take a perverse pride in telling us that we then had to pay £5 for parking.

I wanted to make a fuss about ticket prices, but I had a really pressing problem, I needed a poo, and it wasn't in the mood for waiting any longer. "Mate, where are the toilets?" I asked. He pointed across a dusty scrubland and then extended his arm further to indicate an even further distance.

The walk was excruciating, I felt like I was 9 months gone, limping and shuffling myself along the wasteland with vultures circling above, sensing they had a cheap and massively plentiful meal in me. It felt like a 30 minute walk to the entrance, but thankfully they had toilets outside and I rushed in. I patiently waited, occasionally dropping into a crouch to use my heel to push my imminent arrival back in and eventually made it into the one, yes ONE cubicle in the gents bogs.

No sooner had my arse landed on the seat there was a tap on the door, I am used to this because we have 1 bathroom between 5 of us at home, and although we have a ticket system similar to Tesco's deli counter it rarely works out. "I'll be as quick as I can mate" I said, probably in a quite irritated voice. "My kid really needs to go to the toilet mate" was the reply. Well yeah dickhead so do I, and I think I might need an epidural too so please leave me the fuck alone. I mean really can't I even shit in peace?

Theme park!

Once we made it through checkpoint fucking Charlie and into the park we were immediately greeted by one of my most favourite sites in the world, that being the wonderful world of hypocrisy! A woman in full on Niqab was walking around in FATHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS'S fucking grotto! I shit you not, a devout Muslim (which I have NO issue with) was mixing it up with St Nick!

It was a hot day, really hot in fact and I was in need of refreshment, so I popped to a drinks stand and took a look at the prices, OH EMM actual fucking GEE! £2.75 for a fucking cornetto? Are you fucking kidding me? £2.20 for a bottle of water, you know that shit that falls from the sky? Two pounds fucking twenty! It felt like I had been rectally violated without pain relief or lube as I walked away with a Fanta, a water and nearly a tenner less in my fucking pocket.

The rides are all aimed at young children too, so if you like watching your kid have fun you're in luck, if however you want to have a little fun yourself I suggest bringing a pair of pliers and pulling your nails out as you queue for an hour to go on a fucking fairground ride. The staff manning the rides are a worrying mix too, ranging from suicidal to waaaaay too enthusiastic, you know the type I mean, the ones that smoke crack during their 10 minute break.

For me one of the best aspects of a day like this is people watching, and this trip was no exception, after the delights of Islam popping in to Santa's workshop for a brew I also witnessed grown adults wearing denim dungarees. I shit you not, I thought I was on the set of the music video for fucking 'come on Eileen'. I also have to give an honourable mention to the lanyard wankers. There were quite a few of them, they had Merlin VIP passes and really wanted the world to know it! Most of them were fine, not making a show of themselves, but others were waving their pass around like they were Mulder or Scully from the fucking X files!

My favourite moment though was reserved for the most Irish situation I have ever witnessed (sorry Irish folk) and it was played out by....... an Irish woman! I was queueing with Charlie for a go one a kid's ride, anybody over 0.9 metres could ride it. A girl stood next to the size guide and was tall enough, she was so excited bless her, lie a kid in the proverbial sweet shop. Her mum walked over, grabbed her by the arm and started to frog march her away saying rather loudly "I told ye, yer too fookin' tall for dat roide!" That was it, I couldn't contain my glee, I was properly belly laughing and her partner had clearly spotted me wiping the tears from my eyes. Thankfully he fought his daughter's corner and eventually (literally 10 minutes of proper argument) the fella made his ever so slightly retarded wife see sense.

Back to cost now as I was getting hungry, the choice is fairly limited either a hot dog for nearly a fucking fiver or a steak baguette for 25p short of £7, with no chips or drink! I looked for a policeman but due to cutbacks they no longer investigate theft or extortion, they save their resources for this http://davidpowell78.blogspot.com/2012/10/police-recruitment-test.html and I had to just bend over and take it again.


So to summarise, Legoland is ok, fucking expensive, but ok.

I promise to write more in the coming weeks.

Much love,

Dave.

Facebook and its 'inhabitants'

Yes, yes and errrr yes...... I know I am on Facebook, I know I use it to promote this very blog, but that still doesn't stop me from hating quite a few aspects of it. It can be a great tool, helping you keep in touch with people from far flung corners of the world, it can bring old friends back together and can even create lasting relationships.

But there is also another side to it, the side that everybody hates, but most people refuse to speak out about. Well fear not my friends, I give literally 'zero fucks' when it comes to political correctness or hurting peoples feelings. So with little further to do, and next to no more pointless filler, let's jump straight in, what do you think? We'll start small......




Selfies!

Yes I know I've spoken about them before, and I know that I took a shit ton of them myself a while back, but the ones I am talking about are the women with 16 inch deep makeup on. You know the ones I am talking about, if they got caught up in a botched robbery and were shot in the face the only thing to be hurt would be the innocent bystander that got hit by the bullet that ricocheted off of their concealer, foundation, bronzer and whatever the fuck else they cake on in the name of beauty.

Not only that, but the fucking eyebrows! They are not on point, fleek or anything else that sounds fucking retarded they are drawn on with a fucking permanent marker! If god intended you to look forever surprised he'd have made them naturally look like a cross between a slug and Ming the fucking Merciless. I've got news for you, most of you don't even need makeup, I know I'll get ridiculed for saying this, but you're perfectly acceptable, even beautiful without it. Most men (at least the ones who AREN'T shallow arseholes) will tell you that who you are beats what you look like 9 times out of 10. And if you're truly that ugly then use a bag not makeup, because Max Factor can't fix everything, sometimes you're just terrifying looking, I'm sorry.

And before I move on, if you're going to pull a moody face, please refrain from the 'duck face' or 'trout pout' as it doesn't make you look cool, edgy, beautiful or appealing, it makes you look like an animal that shits on the riverbank while people watch or an animal that ugly that even vegetarians will eat you, because they fucking hate you too. You look like you need to evacuate your bowels (that's posh talk for need a massive shit)

We don't need to know what you look like every 30 seconds because we are friends, I have a pretty good memory, and if I have seen you before I will remember your face. there's no point in taking a picture of yourself in Disneyland, Rome, Australia or anywhere fucking else if all we can see is your fucking face! Take pictures of the place you've visited, that is far more interesting! If you just snap a picture of yourself you may as well pre-take them all in your bathroom before you go away and leave your phone/camera in the fucking hotel room!

And if you're taking a 'mirror' selfie try to hold the phone away from your fucking face, all we can see is your clothing, just send us a link to the garment in a fucking catalogue, it'll look better.




Sympathy posts!

Right, I know we all deserve a little sympathy, and that sits well with me, but don't fucking beg for it! If you post that you're ugly, not worthy of others time, or just piss and whine at the fact you're not the centre of everybody else's universe I have news for you..... YOU'RE FUCKING NOT ! ! ! If I see another person fishing for compliments by saying they are ugly or stupid I am going to fucking lose it, I'll tell you exactly what all of your other friends are thinking but don't want to offend you by saying. If you think you're ugly, that's your problem. If nobody likes you maybe it is because you bang on about nobody liking you. Just be yourself, have a laugh and use social media for what god intended..... Stalking fit women.




Viral questions!

How many squares do you see? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK! ! !

A man and woman have 4 daughters........ WELL GOOD FOR THEM, EXTRA TAX CREDITS!!!

98% of you will get this wrong! SO 2% WILL GET IT RIGHT, FUCKING PESSIMIST!!!

Type 1 and like this post to see what happens! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN, YOU'LL MAKE PEOPLE HATE YOU, AND POSSIBLY TRY TO DISEMBOWEL THEMSELVES WITH A TEASPOON TO AVOID EVER HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!

If I told you that every time you commented on one of these an orphan died you'd probably still do it, not because you're spiteful, but because you want to prove how clever you are. Well I have news for you, you're not half as clever as the spotty virgin who lives in his parents basement and gets 1.5 MILLION gullible twerps to like, share and comment on a page that will then have its name changed and have millions of people liking a company they didn't even know existed. But well done, you can now pat yourself on the back and tell everybody that you answered a really simple question, HIGH FIVE ! ! !



Game requests!

Everybody likes a good game right? I mean for a week or two I was hooked on Candy crush and a few other games, but you know what? I tried my hardest to disable invites and requests, because I was getting about 100 a day from people who like to play a game on their phone while they sit down on the shitter to drop the kids off at the pool.

X, Y or Z needs a fucking corn on the cob, a fucking extra life or some building materials...... No what they will need is a doctor with small hands to remove their fucking device from the darkest corner of their fucking poopchute if they keep messaging me asking for help!



Tagging!

Great, you're on your 19th holiday of the year, I'm pleased for you, you earn good money, or save hard and therefore deserve it. But on the flip side burglars love the fact you've announced to the world that you've left your home empty.... it makes it so much easier to rob.

Hash tagging is another fucking thing that is being completely overcooked! I mean fine, if there's a relevant hash tag then go for it, but this.....

#river #duck #tree #grass #fish #icecream #pub #lunch #ham #egg #chips #coke #nofilter is unacceptable.

so #womble #nobodycares #stopnow #yesthereisafuckingfilter #die



So, just think about what you say and do, it's great that the world has a means of socially interacting with people you can't regularly meet up with. But when all you do is post the same shit every 45 minutes they probably just want to kill you.


Love you.

False grief

Now, this is going to be a controversial one but read it to the end before forming your opinion. I don't ask much of people so just humour me, then assassinate me if needs be....



Why is it that as soon as a celebrity dies everybody is enveloped by a tsunami of grief? Why is it that words such as 'shocked' 'crushed' 'lost' and 'legend' are bandied about like fucking sweets at a kids party? I am sick to death of a million people writing how said celebrity dying has 'ruined their day' of course it fucking hasn't.


What would ruin your day is cutting a finger off in a freak lawnmower accident, stepping on a landmine in a foreign country while fighting for oil in the name of our government. Shit like THAT will ruin your day.

Some man/woman who you barely gave a thought to for years dies and all of a sudden people have jumped on the sympathy train headed for pitymeville on the outskirts of sadland. I mean is it really hurting you THAT much? Nope, it isn't, in fact I am going to tell you right now that you don't actually feel even the slightest bit 'crushed' about that persons death, how can you when you are completely disconnected from them?

I treat every loss of life as sad, weirdly, even the death of SOME people on death row could be seen as a tragedy when you consider that they may have not been guilty, or may even in their guilt have had a way to bring something useful to the world in educating others in the error of their ways.

Indeed the same is true when people die of cancer, I know a lot of people who have had the disease, my mum and dad included. A single loss of life to that bastard disease is a tragedy, but unfortunately it happens, in fact I would imagine that looking at family history I will probably have some form of cancer in my lifetime too, something I fucking dread.

Let me take a couple of examples of times I have shaken my head at what I have read.

David Bowie: A musical genius? For some people maybe, I personally didn't like his music at all. Was it sad that he died? Yes, it is a loss of a life at an age that is considered young nowadays. He died from cancer, another very horrible thing that we should hopefully eradicate in the coming years.

But for people to say that they are devastated, crushed, shocked and mourning the loss, I ask you this. Did YOU think of this person on a daily basis? Nope, probably not since the last time you heard his music, which may have been many years ago.Did you know his family? If you did then you can feel their sadness, you can mourn with them, but the likelihood is that you didn't. You can't feel the pain of a persons death if you:

A) Didn't know them
B) Didn't think about them regularly
C) Only knew them because they were famous

I mean come on, really examine your feelings, do you actually feel sad? Or is it the more likely scenario of having to show how distraught you are on Facebook so you fit in with the social media wankfest over somebody you never even knew?

Are you crushed at the thought of that Syrian man who just got bombed? Even if you saw it in the news you might be horrified, but you don't actually give a shit do you? You'll go back to peeling potatoes, watching the film that the new bulletin interrupted or fall back to sleep.

Amy Winehouse: A 'legend' according to most people who decided to break out the crocodile tears. She was that much of a legend you didn't even help her to get a number 1 hit in the UK! A woman that took heroin and drank to excess on a daily basis, and you're calling her a fucking legend!?!?!

If she was that much of a great person why aren't you encouraging your children to go down the same path as her? A couple of top 10 hits (the biggest being somebody else's song!) and she is talked about as if she is the second coming of Christ.

She died of alcohol poisoning in a flat in London, hardly the death of a legend is it? Yet people were out in force back then pretending to cry into the communal digital handkerchief that the social media passes around so freely.

Nan Pat: I didn't even know who she was, but somebody asked me if I was sad that she'd died? How the fuck can I be? She was nobody to me.... I can have empathy for her family who she left behind, but without sounding truly callous she didn't have anything to do with my life whatsoever.


Grief and sorrow are reserved for situations where they are needed. The passing of a family member or friend, I fully understand that. But for people to get upset over somebody they have no real connection to is fucking stupid. Sorry but that's the truth.


I put it to you that although you might have liked said celebrity, you might be surprised that they have died, you aren't actually sad or broken at all. In fact once you've read this, told me I'm an insensitive arsehole and possibly blocked me on Facebook you'll go back to doing whatever it was you were doing previously and not be sad at all.


So off you go, back to the kitchen, your job or talking to the postman, the grief for celebrity strangers is as fake as the bags sold on the streets of Barcelona. Get over it.