Is that a Teletubby?

Sometimes you see something that is so incredible, so out of the ordinary that it makes you stop dead in your tracks and ask “Did that really just happen?”. You look at whoever you happen to be with and sort of mouth the words “whathefuck???” and in return you receive a vacant expression from your conversation counterpart.

Well this very situation arose the other day at Drayton manor theme park. Kelly, the kids and I met up with John Senior, his wife Lynsey and their boys Owen and Devon. A good day was had by all and as we wandered our way around the park we took in the sights and sounds of Staffordshire and the wide variety of errrrrr... interesting people the place has to offer.

We saw tall people, short people, foreign people, English people, fat people, thin people.... and then we saw a fucking human version of a teletubby! I shit you not, this  lady looked exactly like La La from the television program that makes you want to have seizures and gouge your own eyes out with a rusty teaspoon.

She was wearing a full on yellow outfit, head to toe custard, she looked like the third member of banana’s in pyjama’s and unluckily for her John had spotted her and the furnace of his imagination was cooking up something terrible! “LOOK, IT’S A TELETUBBY!” now John’s not the quietest or most subtle of people at the best of times, but it appeared that all of the rides stopped, and every child ceased crying all at once and the comment carried on the breeze like a Chinese lantern.

Thankfully I don’t think she spoke English so a bullet was most definitely dodged at this point, but this was just a sideshow to the main attraction of the day.

The Pokemon incident.

I have written and rewritten this piece about the Pokemon situation, and no matter how I write it I cannot adequately convey the awesomeness of what we witnessed. It is something that I would find hard to top, it will remain top of my weirdshitometer list for a long time to come. And unless I happen to see Zippy from rainbow riding on John Major’s back whilst shooting apples off of a Dalek’s head with a crossbow it will never be toppled.

Ok, so here we go....

We decided to head over to the Zoo area of Drayton manor, we all wanted to make sure we took in as much of the park as possible and they had some pretty cool animals in there, my favourite was the Black Panther, although this was soon topped by a chance encounter with a real life pokemon master and his Squirtle Pokemon.

Now I appreciate not everyone will know who Squirtle is, or what Pokemon is either, so allow me to briefly explain. Pokemon was/is a cartoon and media franchise, it is based around a pokemon master named Ash and he owns and tends to a list of creatures named Pokemon. They vary from turtles to triffid like plants that fire razor sharp leaves at their opponent.

So we’ve just walked out of the reptile centre and are stood outside, when we happen to spy a foreign lad, probably about 14 or 15 years of age. He was at the fence of the monkey enclosure leaning over the fence and antagonising the poor primates inside. He kept stretching his hand out to hold theirs and then would pull his hand back at the last second.

Well we immediately started talking about him behind his back, comments such as ‘I hope the monkey tears one of his fingers off’ and ‘I hope the monkey eats his face’ were quick to emerge, and although this would have been awesome it wouldn’t have been a patch on what happened next...

Man: “OI YOU!”
Boy looks around startled.
Man: “Get away from that fence, leave those monkeys alone!”
Boy looks confused
Man: “I am so angry with you I can’t even speak right now!”

This may not seem out of the ordinary, but when we looked at the angry zookeeper it just got better and better, He was charging towards our little startled foreign monkey teasing friend WITH A 3 FOOT LONG TURTLE IN HIS HANDS! I shit you not, it was so surreal I was lost for words. 
















All I could picture was the man screaming at the top of his voice “Squirtle, I choose you!” and throwing the shelled superhero in the boys face. He was marching closer and closer and we hoped against hope that he’d let the Turtle maul the lads face off, however it was not meant to be. The foreign lad trotted off looking suitably startled and we were trying hard not to piss ourselves with laughter in case we were angry turtle mans next victims.


The hedgehog devil.

Well, I was going to leave it there, but last night we ordered pizza for dinner, the kids were crying about me not feeding them and I hadn't eaten in the last hour. We ordered from a shop in Ely and chose to have it delivered.

After about 40 minutes there was a knock at the door, followed by a shuffling scurrying type noise from outside. I went to the door and the delivery driver was stood at the far end of the pathway with a look of terror in his eyes. Immediately I expected to be mauled from my left by a pack of rabid geese, or ripped in half by Godzilla, but there was nothing there.

Me: "Are you ok mate?"

Driver: "What is this, WHAT IS IT???"

Me: "What are you talking about mate?"

Driver: "That THAT THAT THING!"

At this point he jabbed a gnarled finger in the direction of my front garden, I strained my eyes trying to make out the terror that lay in wait for me.

Me: "It's a fucking hedgehog mate, It won't hurt you!"

Driver: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Pretty sure pal"

Driver: "ok that'll be £21.20 please"

I pay the man, and as I close the door I can't help but remember how much I love being a rude bastard......

Me: "And don't fucking eat it"

With that I closed the door, smiled to myself and ate a pizza the size of a dustbin lid.


Goodnight all :)