Those of you who know me in real life or through facebook will know I have been trying to reform my grumpy, angry and nasty attitude, and it was going so well, but this afternoon that fragile peace was smashed into a million pieces, and I was left with a twitching eyelid that wouldn't have looked out of place of the face of a serial killer from a Hollywood blockbuster.
This is the letter I am sending them (complete with the pictures) in the hope that they will compensate me with thousands of pounds.
Dear Burger King,
Good morning, I'd like to start this letter with a short quiz.
Here's your starter for 10.
1) When was the last major potato shortage?
2) How much does a large potato cost?
3) Can you see where this letter might be heading?
Right, time's up, please stop writing and put down your crayons (if you haven't eaten them already)
How did you get on? The answers are (1) I don't care (2) less than 10 pence, but still I don't care and finally (3) Your portion sizes.
My daughter had a friend over today after school, they had both been very good so the wife and I decided to treat them to a burger and chips from your Ely (Cambridgeshire) restaurant. As soon as the kids mentioned Burger King I phoned up the Royal bank of Scotland and released a chunk of equity to pay for our meal. The wife headed off to grab the food while I waited at home for our tasty bounty to return home.
First of all I'd like to say that the staff in the Ely restaurant were very polite and accommodating, however if it came down to some form of challenge involving your restaurant making 4 simple meals and a snail merrily wending its way from Lands end to John O'Groats, I know which one I'd put my money on winning.
Now let's get down to the order and meal....
1 x Hamburger meal (kids)
1 x Cheeseburger meal (kids)
1 x Chicken burger meal (kids)
and finally
1 x ***LARGE*** Double whopper meal
Let me point out at this stage that £18.36 for that small order is daylight robbery, the wife looked around the car park for a policeman so she could report the fact she'd just been mugged, sadly there was none to hand.
To give some scale of the enormous price you charge I decided to turn to charity as an example of how steep the cost of your meals actually is.
For around the same money I could:
Send an entire tool kit to Eritrea to dig and build a well
or
Supply 10 x rainwater collection systems
or
4 monthly contributions to MAGPAS/AIR AMBULANCE
or
130 Polio vaccinations
or finally
73 Meningitis vaccines.
I was so disgusted with the cost that I have donated the equivalent of the price of the meal to Oxfam, I wonder if you're willing to match it?
The meals were so small that if they'd been sent to a third world country they would probably have had to ask for second helpings, sadly that's not something you offer the poor mugs that you call customers.
The thing that pissed me off the most was the size of my portion of fries...... I pulled the carton out of the bag and immediately accused the children of having stolen my large portion of fries. However upon closer inspection all of the kids meals had a paper bag for their chips.
I decided I had to investigate my meagre portion of chips, so I poured them into the lid of my burger box, took off my shoes and socks and began to count...... 16, 17, 18, 19.....Done, as in both finished counting and robbed. I'd reached the last chip and there was still a little piggy left over that could go wee wee wee wee wee all the way home!
19 bastard chips, NINETEEN! it doesn't matter how you write it, it still looks like far too few for a LARGE meal! I at least expected to have to count on my 6th toe when I got past 20, but I couldn't even do that!
Most of the fries were incredibly small too, most of them lucky to make 2" it was like they were suffering from some form of starch based dwarfism!It was more like potato shavings than French fries!
I did however have one chip that must have been AT LEAST 4 inches long, I named him Gulliver, he was like a giant among a village of tiny lilliputians.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement.
This brings me to the next item on my agenda..... Napkins, I'm not sure how many trees had to die for the ridiculous amount of napkins we were given, but suffice to say that if they had been dumped in the middle of the BP oil spill of 2010 it would have averted a catastrophic wildlife issue that killed millions of animals.
We received 7 portions of Ketchup, which when you consider the fact that we had around 70 chips between the 4 of us it constitutes a massive condiment overload. 3 Sachets of mayo were also included, which seemed far more sensible.
We also received 1 packet of salt between the 4 of us, now I fully understand that too much salt is bad for you, but this is just plain silly, as we counted out the individual grains and passed them round we could only speculate on why we got so little salt.
My theory is that you've signed a lucrative deal with the highways agency to provide salt for the annual winter road gritting in East Anglia and are therefore rationing the amount given out in your restaurants.
I will say this, the food tasted amazing, and although I am sitting here still hungry (lack of chips, in case you hadn't guessed) and as we finished our food (around 12 seconds after we started) we reached for the finger wipes.
Given the shortage of chips and salt, and the wealth of Ketchup and napkins it was going to be like watching the lottery numbers being selected one by one, such was our anticipation. At this point the excitement was too much and my wife dove into the bag, as her hand slowly raised from the deepest recess of the bag I waited, open mouthed.......
1 fucking finger wipe..... 1 fucking wipe, between 4 of us......You've got to be joking right?
Get fucked.
Dave Powell.
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