I found Shergar..... And a lot of his friends!

So last night I was contemplating what to cook for dinner, I had the choice of curry, chicken in barbecue sauce or some form of chicken and bacon pasta dish. As I slammed shut the oven door and waited for the sweet smell of barbecue sauce waft through to the living room I decided to sit down at the computer to have a read of the news. I need to ask a question at this point, the Chicken had what I thought was cheese on top of the sauce, however after 45 minutes at 200 degrees C it still had not melted..... is this normal? If this cheese is really that heat resistant I think we should look into making the next space shuttle out of processed cheese, firemen should be forced to wear cheese suits and oven gloves could also be woven from this revelation of a product.

I was straight away intrigued by a story about Shergar and the fact that he was stolen by the IRA and held for a 2 million pound ransom. The mystery of Shergar's disappearance goes back 30 years and no one ever really knew the truth as to what fate befell that majestic stallion.

However the tr-hoof (see what I did there.... I made a funny!) has been right in front of us for years, but up until just a few weeks ago it was hidden in plain sight.

So Dixon of Dock Green, Poirot, Sherlock Holmes and all you other wannabes can pack up your junk and get out of town. I'm the new crime fighting, puzzle solving sheriff in town! A leaked document today has admitted that Lasagne could have been made with almost 100% horse meat since the summer! But what's to say it was just since the summer? We haven't tested meat products thoroughly for YEARS in the UK, so what's to say we haven't been eating horse, cat, dog or even Chimpanzee for whole lives? It's quite a sobering thought really, we put faith in these food companies to deliver what they say on the packaging, and we spare little thought for those 30 different chemical names we can't even pronounce. We feed things like this to ourselves, friends and even our kids......



It also got me thinking as to whether it bothered me that I may have eaten horse meat advertised as beef, I laughed, shrugged my shoulders, and came to the conclusion that OF COURSE IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME! I'm not a selective carnivore, I'd eat cat, dog, hamster, anything that once had a pulse would most likely go down the hatch with little time for contemplation as to how cute and cuddly it used to be. I'm not against eating most meats, I'd probably draw the line at human flesh, unless I was starving then I'd just be forced to use extra seasoning to make you taste like chicken, and I'd wash you down with a nice bottle of Chianti.

You hear about these stories all the time where some Saga holiday coach takes a wrong turn in the maze of backstreets in Weston-super-mare, and after a few days the old biddies start to eye up the driver as a podgy ration pack. The need for self preservation overrides the thoughts of morality when it comes to eating flesh.


Are there any parents out there who are vegan/vegetarian? I am 99.9% sure that if it came down to skinning Ethel from number 43's cat and feeding it to the kids, or watching them starve to death it'd be a no brainer.....

Children before we eat I'd like to say grace, "Dear lord, thank you for this tasty errrrr chicken we are about to consume. We trust that you will keep a watchful eye over Ethel as she frantically searches for Mr Pickles the cat". Now tuck in kids this Ca..... CHICKEN, I MEANT CHICKEN goes tough when it gets cold.

It also got me thinking back to an old entry in this very blog and the type of animal products that could easily be made for human consumption. Here are a couple I made earlier... (I've always wanted to say that!) I also think that Lion bars should contain real Lions and Panda pops should be made of fermented panda. This year I am going to diversify my meat intake, I plan on trying Crocodile, Kangaroo, Rattlesnake and Bison. So if you come round for a barbecue in the summer and I tell you that unusual meat looks like chicken...........

P>S Quick last minute though..... What the hell is Naan bread made of :O

NEXT = ARSEHOLES

Next – A shop for stick insects.

Right, here we go again! Kelly and I have been fighting a long running battle with our daughter Katie. She is very much a Tomboy in the way she dresses, it’s mainly our fault, we gave her far too much free choice when she was far too young to take that decision.

Recently we have taken steps to slowly introduce more feminine clothes to her wardrobe, we’d never turn her into a pink, flower adorned dress wearing weirdo unless she chose to make that step, but we are buying her pastel coloured clothes, in a less boyish fashion.

After looking around we filled up a couple of online shopping baskets with various clothes and had them delivered today, Katie is 8 years old, 4’ 2” tall and weighs in at a very trim 5 stone (Bang in the middle of her BMI rating) I have seen more meat on a KFC chicken wing than my daughter, yet given our previous experiences with clothing for kids we decided to order 11 year old sizes.

We unwrapped the clothes, got Katie to try them on and surprise surprise they didn’t fit! But wait! I am sure you’re thinking “Dave, you bought clothes that are 3 years too big for her of course they won’t fit!” Well herein lies the problem........ They are ALL too small! So small in fact that some of them she couldn’t even try on, whereas others are so tight they look like they have been sprayed on by Banksy.

Why the fuck are NEXT doing this with sizes, are they trying to pre-program parents into making their children a size zero as early as possible so they all wander around like a skeleton that eats tissue paper and drinks only the amount of raindrops they can catch in a thimble in 30 seconds?

It appears next are having most of their clothes made in Bangladesh now, I can only imagine that they take their sizes from the local population where the average 8 year old weighs 2 stone and hasn’t eaten properly in months. Do they really think that it sets a good example for an 8 year old to think they are fat? Do they really think that a child should go through the indignity of clothes being too small, when they are ordered 3 sizes too fucking big?

I am truly appalled at the mentality of the fashion world, a shady movement that dresses people in clingfilm with an old Betamax video recorder on their head and call it fashion, an institution that encourages people to join an army of women that wouldn’t look out of place in a night of the living dead film as Skeletons A, B and C. Get fucked, really just fucking do one.

I would rather my child was slightly overweight than massively undernourished with vertebrae and ribs jutting out from taught skin, because I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this but every single day probably three or four times I see adverts asking for us to donate to third world countries because of children starving to death. And yet in the civilised western world we actively encourage people to look like this, how is that right? How is that decent? HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING MORAL?

I will now be boycotting NEXT, (Not that any of their clothes fit me, I’m a fat bastard) but I will never buy anything from them ever again, not for Kelly, not for Katie and not for Charlie. I know we are in a time of recession but is it really that bad that you need to make the clothes so much smaller to cut costs? I know that it’s a bind paying children in sweat shops 8p per hour to make the clothes too, maybe we can push on with human cloning and you can have an army of NEXT employees that never experience freedom, live in a bubble and never see the light of day. That way you’d never need to pay them and if they died of exhaustion you could just clone another one.