Burger king bastards

Today Katie had a friend over for dinner, they both wanted a burger and chips for dinner so Kelly went to Burger king...

Those of you who know me in real life or through facebook will know I have been trying to reform my grumpy, angry and nasty attitude, and it was going so well, but this afternoon that fragile peace was smashed into a million pieces, and I was left with a twitching eyelid that wouldn't have looked out of place of the face of a serial killer from a Hollywood blockbuster.

This is the letter I am sending them (complete with the pictures) in the hope that they will compensate me with thousands of pounds.



Dear Burger King,

Good morning, I'd like to start this letter with a short quiz.

Here's your starter for 10.

1) When was the last major potato shortage?

2) How much does a large potato cost?

3) Can you see where this letter might be heading?

Right, time's up, please stop writing and put down your crayons (if you haven't eaten them already)

How did you get on? The answers are (1) I don't care (2) less than 10 pence, but still I don't care and finally (3) Your portion sizes.

My daughter had a friend over today after school, they had both been very good so the wife and I decided to treat them to a burger and chips from your Ely (Cambridgeshire) restaurant. As soon as the kids mentioned Burger King I phoned up the Royal bank of Scotland and released a chunk of equity to pay for our meal. The wife headed off to grab the food while I waited at home for our tasty bounty to return home.

First of all I'd like to say that the staff in the Ely restaurant were very polite and accommodating, however if it came down to some form of challenge involving your restaurant making 4 simple meals and a snail merrily wending its way from Lands end to John O'Groats, I know which one I'd put my money on winning.

Now let's get down to the order and meal....

1 x Hamburger meal (kids)
1 x Cheeseburger meal (kids)
1 x Chicken burger meal (kids)
and finally
1 x ***LARGE*** Double whopper meal

Let me point out at this stage that £18.36 for that small order is daylight robbery, the wife looked around the car park for a policeman so she could report the fact she'd just been mugged, sadly there was none to hand.

To give some scale of the enormous price you charge I decided to turn to charity as an example of how steep the cost of your meals actually is.

For around the same money I could:

Send an entire tool kit to Eritrea to dig and build a well
or
Supply 10 x rainwater collection systems
or
4 monthly contributions to MAGPAS/AIR AMBULANCE
or
130 Polio vaccinations
or finally
73 Meningitis vaccines.

I was so disgusted with the cost that I have donated the equivalent of the price of the meal to Oxfam, I wonder if you're willing to match it?

The meals were so small that if they'd been sent to a third world country they would probably have had to ask for second helpings, sadly that's not something you offer the poor mugs that you call customers.

The thing that pissed me off the most was the size of my portion of fries...... I pulled the carton out of the bag and immediately accused the children of having stolen my large portion of fries. However upon closer inspection all of the kids meals had a paper bag for their chips.



I decided I had to investigate my meagre portion of chips, so I poured them into the lid of my burger box, took off my shoes and socks and began to count...... 16, 17, 18, 19.....Done, as in both finished counting and robbed. I'd reached the last chip and there was still a little piggy left over that could go wee wee wee wee wee all the way home!

19 bastard chips, NINETEEN! it doesn't matter how you write it, it still looks like far too few for a LARGE meal! I at least expected to have to count on my 6th toe when I got past 20, but I couldn't even do that!

Most of the fries were incredibly small too, most of them lucky to make 2" it was like they were suffering from some form of starch based dwarfism!It was more like potato shavings than French fries!

I did however have one chip that must have been AT LEAST 4 inches long, I named him Gulliver, he was like a giant among a village of tiny lilliputians.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.

This brings me to the next item on my agenda..... Napkins, I'm not sure how many trees had to die for the ridiculous amount of napkins we were given, but suffice to say that if they had been dumped in the middle of the BP oil spill of 2010 it would have averted a catastrophic wildlife issue that killed millions of animals.

We received 7 portions of Ketchup, which when you consider the fact that we had around 70 chips between the 4 of us it constitutes a massive condiment overload. 3 Sachets of mayo were also included, which seemed far more sensible.

We also received 1 packet of salt between the 4 of us, now I fully understand that too much salt is bad for you, but this is just plain silly, as we counted out the individual grains and passed them round we could only speculate on why we got so little salt.

My theory is that you've signed a lucrative deal with the highways agency to provide salt for the annual winter road gritting in East Anglia and are therefore rationing the amount given out in your restaurants.

I will say this, the food tasted amazing, and although I am sitting here still hungry (lack of chips, in case you hadn't guessed) and as we finished our food (around 12 seconds after we started) we reached for the finger wipes.

Given the shortage of chips and salt, and the wealth of Ketchup and napkins it was going to be like watching the lottery numbers being selected one by one, such was our anticipation. At this point the excitement was too much and my wife dove into the bag, as her hand slowly raised from the deepest recess of the bag I waited, open mouthed.......

1 fucking finger wipe..... 1 fucking wipe, between 4 of us......You've got to be joking right?

Get fucked.

Dave Powell.

Is that a Teletubby?

Sometimes you see something that is so incredible, so out of the ordinary that it makes you stop dead in your tracks and ask “Did that really just happen?”. You look at whoever you happen to be with and sort of mouth the words “whathefuck???” and in return you receive a vacant expression from your conversation counterpart.

Well this very situation arose the other day at Drayton manor theme park. Kelly, the kids and I met up with John Senior, his wife Lynsey and their boys Owen and Devon. A good day was had by all and as we wandered our way around the park we took in the sights and sounds of Staffordshire and the wide variety of errrrrr... interesting people the place has to offer.

We saw tall people, short people, foreign people, English people, fat people, thin people.... and then we saw a fucking human version of a teletubby! I shit you not, this  lady looked exactly like La La from the television program that makes you want to have seizures and gouge your own eyes out with a rusty teaspoon.

She was wearing a full on yellow outfit, head to toe custard, she looked like the third member of banana’s in pyjama’s and unluckily for her John had spotted her and the furnace of his imagination was cooking up something terrible! “LOOK, IT’S A TELETUBBY!” now John’s not the quietest or most subtle of people at the best of times, but it appeared that all of the rides stopped, and every child ceased crying all at once and the comment carried on the breeze like a Chinese lantern.

Thankfully I don’t think she spoke English so a bullet was most definitely dodged at this point, but this was just a sideshow to the main attraction of the day.

The Pokemon incident.

I have written and rewritten this piece about the Pokemon situation, and no matter how I write it I cannot adequately convey the awesomeness of what we witnessed. It is something that I would find hard to top, it will remain top of my weirdshitometer list for a long time to come. And unless I happen to see Zippy from rainbow riding on John Major’s back whilst shooting apples off of a Dalek’s head with a crossbow it will never be toppled.

Ok, so here we go....

We decided to head over to the Zoo area of Drayton manor, we all wanted to make sure we took in as much of the park as possible and they had some pretty cool animals in there, my favourite was the Black Panther, although this was soon topped by a chance encounter with a real life pokemon master and his Squirtle Pokemon.

Now I appreciate not everyone will know who Squirtle is, or what Pokemon is either, so allow me to briefly explain. Pokemon was/is a cartoon and media franchise, it is based around a pokemon master named Ash and he owns and tends to a list of creatures named Pokemon. They vary from turtles to triffid like plants that fire razor sharp leaves at their opponent.

So we’ve just walked out of the reptile centre and are stood outside, when we happen to spy a foreign lad, probably about 14 or 15 years of age. He was at the fence of the monkey enclosure leaning over the fence and antagonising the poor primates inside. He kept stretching his hand out to hold theirs and then would pull his hand back at the last second.

Well we immediately started talking about him behind his back, comments such as ‘I hope the monkey tears one of his fingers off’ and ‘I hope the monkey eats his face’ were quick to emerge, and although this would have been awesome it wouldn’t have been a patch on what happened next...

Man: “OI YOU!”
Boy looks around startled.
Man: “Get away from that fence, leave those monkeys alone!”
Boy looks confused
Man: “I am so angry with you I can’t even speak right now!”

This may not seem out of the ordinary, but when we looked at the angry zookeeper it just got better and better, He was charging towards our little startled foreign monkey teasing friend WITH A 3 FOOT LONG TURTLE IN HIS HANDS! I shit you not, it was so surreal I was lost for words. 
















All I could picture was the man screaming at the top of his voice “Squirtle, I choose you!” and throwing the shelled superhero in the boys face. He was marching closer and closer and we hoped against hope that he’d let the Turtle maul the lads face off, however it was not meant to be. The foreign lad trotted off looking suitably startled and we were trying hard not to piss ourselves with laughter in case we were angry turtle mans next victims.


The hedgehog devil.

Well, I was going to leave it there, but last night we ordered pizza for dinner, the kids were crying about me not feeding them and I hadn't eaten in the last hour. We ordered from a shop in Ely and chose to have it delivered.

After about 40 minutes there was a knock at the door, followed by a shuffling scurrying type noise from outside. I went to the door and the delivery driver was stood at the far end of the pathway with a look of terror in his eyes. Immediately I expected to be mauled from my left by a pack of rabid geese, or ripped in half by Godzilla, but there was nothing there.

Me: "Are you ok mate?"

Driver: "What is this, WHAT IS IT???"

Me: "What are you talking about mate?"

Driver: "That THAT THAT THING!"

At this point he jabbed a gnarled finger in the direction of my front garden, I strained my eyes trying to make out the terror that lay in wait for me.

Me: "It's a fucking hedgehog mate, It won't hurt you!"

Driver: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Pretty sure pal"

Driver: "ok that'll be £21.20 please"

I pay the man, and as I close the door I can't help but remember how much I love being a rude bastard......

Me: "And don't fucking eat it"

With that I closed the door, smiled to myself and ate a pizza the size of a dustbin lid.


Goodnight all :)

The day I farted on a midget......

Right, I know straight away some people will be utterly horrified at the fact I am talking about farting, but let's be honest, whether you keep them silent or rip them out loud and proud for the world to hear we ALL do it.

I don't care about people farting, as long as they have the decency to go check their underwear if the smell doesn't dissipate within 3 minutes. In fact I welcome it, because there's no point in someone sitting there in pain with a bloated stomach that's uncomfortable and makes you feel shitty.

HOWEVER, sometimes there are places you'd be best to keep them held in for just a few precious moments to avoid an incredibly embarrassing situation arising. Here's the back story of how I wished I'd heeded this vitally important information.

After a heavy night on the beer and curry with friends I got home at about 2am, I felt fine except maybe for being full to bursting. I crawled upstairs to bed and closed my eyes, started counting sheep and soon fell into a deep sleep.

At about 3am I woke up to a rumbling noise, was it a lorry going past? could it be a hungry lion just outside the bedroom door perhaps? There it was again, but it was now clear what it was, my stomach had bloated massively (even more than it normally is) and I quickly realised the situation was desperate, I needed the toilet and I needed it NOW!

I scooted myself down to the foot of the bed and crawled slowly towards the bathroom, my stomach hurting more and more, I was in agony. I won't give you the full on details but I looked like some form of elaborate sprinkler system with liquids appearing from just about every conceivable orifice.

Satisfied I'd cured myself I skulked back off to my bed, I must have fallen asleep fairly quickly and the next thing I remember was Kelly shouting at me to wake up. She explained that we needed to go into town for something vitally important, possibly a pen or something equally as vital and for some reason she couldn't go on her own.

I felt a little dizzy thanks to the large quantity of Stella I had consumed in various establishments around town but my stomach had returned to it's normal size of hideously fat so I figured I'd be safe.

We parked up in town and as I reached to unfasten my seat belt I felt it, that familiar bubbling sensation that we've all experienced in the past. The body's way of telling you that you've pissed it off and it plans on reminding you of the fact in the most embarrassing and disgusting way possible.

As we walked down the High street it happened, the first signs I needed to let one go, and I knew the chicken madras I'd had the night before was going to wreak it's terrible revenge upon me. By now I was walking oddly, like Charlie Chaplin minus the cane, and I knew it was now or never. I glanced around carefully, no one was within 20 feet of me (apart from Kelly of course) so I decided to let it go quietly......

The madras and Stella bubbles however had other ideas, It let rip like a broken fog horn, PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP! I felt instantly better, people on the other side of the street had clearly heard it, but I tried to mask who perpetrated the crime by staring at Kelly in disbelief. It was then that I heard the tut of absolute disgust.

I turned around, nothing, nobody there at all, in fact I was starting to think I'd imagined it when I looked down. Stood behind me, licking the taste of it off of her teeth was a little woman, she was not even four feet tall, so she'd have copped the full hairdryer effect right in the nostrils. Being 6'4" tall I never thought to look down for a munchkin before polluting the area, she was not happy and neither was I. I looked at her for what felt like an eternity but was only a few seconds, what should I say? Should I apologise? What I did next was fight or flight mentality...... I ran, I ran as fast as I could, Kelly stood there with our little oompa loompa friend in bemusement, I got about 50 yards before collapsing in an unfit heap in the doorway of the bakers.

I'm not entirely proud of this story, but I have grown to accept the fact that the situation was out of my control.

The moral of the story is as follows: Check all directions before unleashing the gaseous hounds of hell in a public place.

Hope you enjoy your dinner :)

Hypocrites!

Right, I was looking through my facebook timeline and I stumbled across a screenshot from general grumpy pants John Senior!

I read it and instantly the message resonated with me.

Greenpeace have decided to send 6 women to London to climb the shard, the tallest building in Great Britain, to prove some point about climate change and the oil and gas drilling in the arctic.

It made me chuckle when I saw the picture of the 6 intrepid explorers and their extensive array of climbing gear. Let us look at it in closer detail.

1) Climbing helmets - Made from Petrochemicals, a derivative of OIL
2) Nylon ropes - Made from Petrochemicals, a derivative of OIL
3) Climbing shoes - Rubber soles, made from Petrochemicals, a derivative of OIL
4) Kit bags - Synthetic material, Made from Petrochemicals, a derivative of OIL
5) Clothing - Made abroad and shipped here via boat, air or road, using large amounts of.... you guessed it! OIL!!!

I could go on and on and on about the things they are wearing but I won't, I'll switch my focus to the fact that it is highly likely they arrived for this feat of stupidity by either public transport or car as they are unlikely to have walked from the four corners of the earth. So let's look at that shall we.....

1) Bus - runs on Diesel, has rubber tyres, has oil lubricating the engine, multiple rubber parts, multiple plastic parts and artificial fabric for seating.

2) Train - runs on electricity which is supplied by either FOSSIL FUEL based power stations or NUCLEAR (which they apparently don't like either)

3) Plane - Don't even get me started.

4) Car - Pretty much the same as the bus.

Having just read another article on this story I can tell you that 4 of the climbers came to London from overseas to prove a point about the drilling for gas and oil..... They came from Belgium, Sweden, Holland and Poland. Now I am fairly sure that none of them swam and walked their sizeable journey, nor are they likely to have the command of a giant eagle to swoop down, pick them up tenderly in their mighty talons and fly them to London.

So unless they jumped on an elephant (animal abuse if I am thinking along their lines) or horse drawn carriage (the same) to get them to their destination I would suggest they have used products that have been made from the very thing they are trying to stop people from finding.

It never ceases to amaze me how dumb these people can be.

So I propose the following, we all go down to the shard, we construct watermelon catapults from wood, natural rubber and a cow hide sling (All sustainable and replaceable products) and charge the tourists £1 a shot to see if they can knock these hypocrites off of the side of the building.

The money that will be generated can probably pay for the advancement of research to find a way to power these energy stations with chewed up bus tickets, camel shit and pulped dolphin that light up the side of the building they are climbing in protest of drilling for the oil and gas they use on a daily basis.

We could always switch to wind farms, solar power or tidal generators, but then Greenpeace don't like us ruining the countryside either.

Well I'm off to the car to rev the shit out of the engine, people always moan that this country is too cold, let's use climate change in our favour and make England warmer!

SKY customer services have the patience of a saint.

Right, I never used to appreciate the fun that could be had trying to negotiate loads of free crap. 

The in-laws are looking for a good deal, Kelly was on the case, but then I noticed the conversation 

had swung to broadband, this is something I know a bit about so I took over. Go stick the kettle 

on, make a nice cup of tea/coffee, break out the biscuits and get ready for an epic battle of 

England vs India. (You'll see the point I took over the argument from Kelly, I made it a little obvious)


Please wait for a Sky Advisor to respond. Your chat may be monitored and recorded for training, legal and compliance purposes.

You are now connected with Bhavesh

Bhavesh: Hi. Welcome to Sky, the home of must-see TV. You're chatting to Bhavesh. Can I take your name please?

You: Hello my name is Kelly x

Bhavesh: Hi Kelly

Bhavesh: How are you doing today?

You: fine thank you !

Bhavesh: Good

Bhavesh: How can I help you today?

You: Okay I'd like Sky Tv the extra plus package, broadband unlimited and also free weekend phone

You: what deals are there? I

Bhavesh: Great to hear you are interested in joining Sky. I'll ask you a few questions to get the suitable deal for you. Is that ok?

You: yep

Bhavesh: Thanks.

Bhavesh: Is this for a house or flat?

You: hose, semi detached, sky dish is already there

You: house*

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: Have you subscribed to sky in last 12 months?

You: yes

Bhavesh: Are you still in contract?

You: I am with sky but not in contract

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: Thanks for the information.

Bhavesh: Lets discuss packages

Bhavesh: Let's start with your TV package. What type of programmes do you watch the most in your house?

You: I would like the entertainment extra plus with on demand

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: As per your needs, you can go for entertainment extra plus.

Bhavesh: Shall I send you the channel list?

You: No that's fine thank you I have seen already

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: You will also get 240 freeview channels.

Bhavesh: You will also get Sky+HD box free of cost

Bhavesh: The Sky+ box lets you pause and rewind live TV. Record an entire series at the touch of a button - up to 185 hours of standard definition TV. You can also set your box to record from your mobile or online. Sky+ also allows you to record 2 programmes whilst watching a previously recorded programme

Bhavesh: =============

Bhavesh: Is that fine with you?

You: Yes

Bhavesh: Great

Bhavesh: Before we discuss broadband, do you need any clarification on Tv pack?

You: No thanks, - I'd like unlimited Broadband please

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: Lets discuss broadband,

Bhavesh: I am going to provide you with a link, which will allow us to determine what broadband services are available in your area.

Bhavesh: Once on the link, please enter your post code & click find address

Bhavesh: You will get the list of address, select your address & you will get the results.

You: yes that's fine

Bhavesh: Shall I send you the link?

You: I know I can get it but if you have to then yes

Bhavesh: 
Please click HERE to check your Broadband availability using your postcode.

·  You'd need to enter your postal code and confirm the address where your Sky services will be provided,

·  Your broadband speed is influenced by factors including 1. The distance to the local exchange. 2. The speed of computer being used. 3. The quality of the internal telephone line. 4. The amount of people on the Internet at peak times.

·  You'll be able to see the estimated speed just below the Broadband package

Bhavesh: Once you are done, please let me know.

You: yep that's fine

You: done

You: are you there?

Bhavesh: Yes

Bhavesh: What are the results?

Bhavesh: Is it showing, Lite, Unlimited, Fibre or connect?

You: Sky Broadband Unlimited, Lite and Sky Fibre Unlimited are available:

Bhavesh: Excellent

Bhavesh: As per your needs, you can go for unlimited

Bhavesh: Unlimited Broadband has download speed up to 20Mb and upload speed up to 1.3Mb which is best for downloading music, movies & data and online gaming. There's no monthly download limit and no fair usage policy. You'll also get a wireless Sky HUB worth £69 absolutely free, and a 12 month trial of MacAfee Internet Security Suite.

Bhavesh: ================

Bhavesh: Is that fine with you?

You: yes

Bhavesh: Great

Bhavesh: Before we discuss phone, do you need any clarification on broadband?

You: no thank you x

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: Lets discuss phone

Bhavesh: Do you and your household mainly make calls in the weekends, or on other days too?

You: hardly ever so just the free at weekends would be fine thank you

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: As per your needs, you can go for weekends pack

Bhavesh:

·  Sky Talk Weekend gives you free weekend (all day Saturday and Sunday 12am to 12am) calls to UK landline numbers (UK call are to 01,02,03 & 0870 numbers only – excludes calls to Channel Islands, indirect access numbers, dial-up Internet access, 0845 and 070 numbers).

·  The rate for daytime and evening calls to UK landline numbers for 01, 02, 03 & 0870 numbers is 8.41p per minute plus a 13.1p as connection fee. 24/7 Calls to Sky contact centers are free at any time.

·  Inclusive calls are free on Sat-Sun, all day for the first 59 minutes before any call charges will apply or you can hang up and redial.

Bhavesh: ============

Bhavesh: Before I summarize the cost, do you need any clarification on phone ?

You: no thank you

Bhavesh: Ok.

Bhavesh: Let me summarize the cost for  yo

Bhavesh: You*

You: okay

Bhavesh: Just to let you know you can check for terms and conditions by going on to the link below

You: what about if I went for the faster downloads so the fibre internet?

Bhavesh: For fibre you will be charged £20 extra per month & the fibre setup charges are £50 as one off

Bhavesh: So you will be paying £58.75 for 12 months

You: okay that's a lot of money, the internet speeds are givinh 2-5m which is really poor and I use internet quite a lot so would really thinking about it need fibre ..

You: is that really the best price?

Bhavesh: Yes, I have offer you the discount of £7.25 in the fibre as well.

You: Virgin aren't charging up front fees

Bhavesh: The discount I have offered you is for 12 months

You: so that would be £58.75 pcm after you have given discount?

Bhavesh: Thats correct.

You: and still need to pay £50 connection?

Bhavesh: Thats correct

Bhavesh: You are getting Sky Go & On Demand which virgin does not offer

Bhavesh: Also our broadband Fibre & unlimited does not have any restrictions on downloads

Bhavesh: Not your speed will be slowdown on peak times

Bhavesh: No fair usage policy on downloads

Bhavesh: Plus £25 M&S Vouchers

You: it's the speed I am concerned with not so what about the £15 for the phone line install - would I be paying that on top of the £50 too?

Bhavesh: Also you get wireless HUB which saves you £69

Bhavesh: Ok.

You: I assume your contention ratio is 50:1 would that be correct? So with 50 connections per hub that would slow my speeds down considerably more than Virgin media's 20:1 contention ratio.

Bhavesh: I understand you need to £50 as one off, I can assure you will enjoy Sky subscription in a better way when compared to any other provider

Bhavesh: Our TV services are rated the best as per Offcom.

****THIS IS THE POINT I TOOK OVER FROM KELLY***

You: I have used virgin media 60 meg broadband for the last year, and even during peak times I get a higher speed than you are offering as a constant speed. Even when I have had my speed throttled for excessive downloads it is faster than sky offer. This is why I am concerned at paying £50 connection

Bhavesh: Ok.

You: I agree in regards to your television, but virgin consistently outperform pretty much every other competitor, and they won't charge an install fee. It just seems a little excessive

You: Am I right in regards to contention ratios?

Bhavesh: You are correct.

Bhavesh: I agree your terms.

Bhavesh: Virgin are competitive in prices, which we need to work on, but our services are customer satisfactory where virgin need to work out, as most of the virgin customers are dissatisfied & are switching to sky

You: So therefore I would be better off ignoring your broadband, would this be correct? Being charged to have something slower than virgin and that is lower speeds than virgin is far from satisfying if I am honest. It would appear to me that virgin are more likely to make me happy with internet compared to your slower speeds, higher contention ratio and excessive connection fees, wouldn't you agree?

Bhavesh: At this point I cannot comment, I would say Sky is working on the speeds, in the near future you can expect a good speed & better speeds compatibility than any other provider.

Bhavesh: Its okay if you choose virgin for better speeds, however you might come back in between & choose us for better customer service

You: Even plusnet are offering faster internet speeds, and they are a startup company with very highly rated customer services. Their internet is also unlimited with no fair usage policy.

Bhavesh: Ok. thats great

Bhavesh: In that case you can come back & check with us for better speed compatibilty

You: SO from your previous comment you are telling me that in the NEAR future Sky will have faster speeds than virgin media? Even though telephone lines are limited due to copper wire technology? Virgin use fibre optic right through which will always offer a higher rate than telephony connection.

Bhavesh: We do offer fibre pro, so once you subscribe to sky & choose fibre optic & you can change to Fibre pro by calling our customer service team, Fibre pro speed you get is 70 mbps

Bhavesh: Fibre pro is available only to fibre optic customers

You: How much per month is sky fibre pro please?

Bhavesh: Monthly its £30

You: But I can get 100meg from virgin for £30 per month, how is sky offering me a premium service?

Bhavesh: Thats a advantage of Virgin speed services

Bhavesh: Thats fine, you can go with virgin.

Bhavesh: Your comments are valuable will taken into considerable & we will work on prices & speeds, so in near future you can expect something better

You: So what advantages does sky broadband offer me? See this is my point, I am being offered unlimited broadband by sky, but it is a slower speed for the same price and it has a worse contention ratio. i am therefore being charged £50 for a FAR worse service........ I actually find that quite insulting.

You: £50 connection I mean

Bhavesh: I understand, only point of getting sky is a better customer service with respect to any other provider

Bhavesh: PLus some add on benefits you get

Bhavesh: Like vouchers, free wireless HUB, Free SKy GO & Free On Demand services which you saves £389

Bhavesh: Free Sky+Box worth £199

You: But I have never had a SINGLE reason to call virgin for support, are you implying that I will need to call customer services more often if I switch to SKY? I have had virgin media for over 5 years and haven't had a single breakdown, their customer services are also incredibly good for previous dealings I have had with them for my phone line. So what you are saying is the following...

You: I pay you £50 to connect, I then get slower speed, worse contention ratio, a second rate service (as virgin are rated number one in the country for broadband) Wow that sounds so great....

You: Also Virgin are offering me a TIvo box for free, this can record three channels simultaneously which a sky box cannot.

Bhavesh: Thats sounds good.

Bhavesh: Sky is offering speed upto 20 MBps

Bhavesh: Thats not bad at all.

You: Ok thank you, you have made up my mind, Virgin offer more for my money, they offer me faster broadband and they offer me identical phone benefits. This all comes at a slightly lower price because they don't charge me installation. You should work for virgin, you have sold their product to me better than SKy's.

Bhavesh: Thats fine, no issues.

Bhavesh: You came on chat today to get information on sky Tv, talk and broadband. I’ve explained you the sky packages with cost and offers. Is there anything else I can help you with?

You: Yes, can you ignore the installation fee? If you can I will sign up right now!

Bhavesh: I am sorry, thats the sky charges the standard installation fee

Bhavesh: In fact I have checked with my manager

Bhavesh: I cannot work on installation charges.

You: OK maybe there is another way around this, if you can do the package I require for half price for the duration of my contract I will pay the £50 connection fee. Seeing as you are unable to deal with connection fees I hope you can offer this and then I will be happy to sign up.

Bhavesh: I have offered you 50% discount on line rental for 12 months, this is the best price I can offer you

You: Ah come on, we've been speaking so long I feel like we're family. Surely there is something more you can do, I am so close to signing on the dotted line but I am sure there is something more we can do to shake hands on a deal.

Bhavesh: Kelly, I really appreciate your time, I would love to offer you the best deal, I am sorry I cannot offer more than what we discussed.

You: ok thanks, it's been emotional, I think I'll leave it for now.

You: How about a free multiroom box for the 12 months?

Bhavesh: Ok deal, you will get a Sky HD box free for your multiroom, however you will be charged £10.25 for multiroom.

You: £5, haggling is the way we get our best deals in life!

Bhavesh: Did you like the deal now?

You: Is the £10.25 a one off fee?

Bhavesh: Its a monthly subscription fee for multiroom.

You: But virgin offer me multiroom for far less :(

You: Come on, you can't fix the connection fee issue but I know that you have the power to make this happen.

Bhavesh: Yes, that why I have waived off fee as one off for Sky HD box & offered you multiroom

You: But you have offered me multiroom at a far more expensive cost than Virgin have offered, this makes me want to cry :(

Bhavesh: What I suggest is, you sign up with sky, use our services, if you are not satisfied you can cancel our subscription within 30 days, you will not be charged

You: So I can get Sky+ HD, Unlimited broadband, telephone with free weekend calls. How much is this costing me? I have talked for so long I have forgotten how much the price was.

You: How many channels do I get with the television package?

Bhavesh: Sky Entertainment Extra+ includes all the great TV from the Sky Entertainment Pack, plus an additional 52 great channels, giving over 80 channels of the best shows, so there is something for the whole family to enjoy. Click here to find out more.

Bhavesh: You will be paying £46 for 12 months

Bhavesh: Which includes Entertainment Extra plus, Unlimited broadband, Weekends pack with 240 free to air channels.

You: And free HD box for multiroom with the cost at £5 per month for the subscription, correct?

Bhavesh: Also Sky+HD box

Bhavesh: It would add £10.25 extra per month with Free Sky HD box

Bhavesh: So it would be £56.25

Bhavesh: This is the best deal, go for it.

You: Ah right, I think I'll pass then, I thought the customer was always right. But it would appear that SKY do not subscribe to this philosophy. Thank you very much for your time, it has been a pleasure talking to you. I hope you and your family have a wonderful year and life treats you well.

You: Unless........ if you can make it £40 a moth, then I will sign up right now (without multiroom)

You: month*

You: Come on, that's just £6 per month less, I know you can make this happen!

You: Bhavesh are you ok? I am worried I have received no reply.....

There may be a problem communicating with Bhavesh. Please wait while your chat is transferred to another Sky Advisor.

You are now connected with Mitesh

Mitesh: Hi. Welcome to Sky, the home of must-see TV. You're chatting to Mitesh. Can I take your name please?

You: Hi Mitesh, I seem to have been disconnected from my conversation with Bhavesh, who was incredibly helpful. However I have been negotiating a good deal for SKY's services and now it appears my whole conversation was wasted.

You: Bhavesh offered me a new SKY+ HD box with Entertainment + package, unlimited internet and weekend calls (Line rental included for £46 pounds per month, I felt we were very close to striking a deal and I asked for the package price to be brought down to £40 a month, if this is done I will sign up right now.

You: Are you there Mitesh?

Mitesh: The deal which is offered by bhavesh is the best deal, infact I would have given you the same deal

Mitesh: The special discount is for limited time

Mitesh: You might not get the same deal later

You: But Mitesh, you seem like a far more flexible person, and I think we are moments away from shaking hands on a deal (metaphorically speaking of course) £6 per month discount is not too much to ask from such a prestigious company as SKY now is it?

Mitesh: I agree with you however the deal which we have given you is a special deal  and you will not find this on our website

You: I have worked in sales for my whole life, I know for a fact I am going to be getting a WORSE internet service than my current provider, it will be slower speeds and has a higher contention ratio as well. Surely this type of selfless act by me deserves some recognition in the form of a monthly discount.

You: Would you sign up for a worse service and do so without negotiating some form of recompense?

Mitesh: Ofcom has recently found Sky Broadband customers enjoy unbeatable overall satisfaction compared to those with any other provider

Mitesh: We won Simplifydigital's 2011 best digital TV, broadband and phone bundle award and were named Best Broadband & TV provider in the 2010 Top10.com Broadband Awards for the second year running.

Mitesh: With over 10 million customers enjoying our products, from Sky Broadband and Talk, to TV

Mitesh: ====================

Mitesh: We’re cheaper across major calling rates inclusive connection fee and UK daytime/evening calling rates

Mitesh: We’ve Exclusive Sky Atlantic channel

Mitesh: Our Sky Unlimited broadband has no fair usage policy and we never manage traffic. other providers manage traffic at peak times

Mitesh: We’ve over 10,000 Wi-Fi Hotspots from The Cloud in locations such as Pizza Express, Pret A Manager, & Wagamamas.

You: So you've won awards in 2011 and 2010, this is 2013 and you're not talking about the modern day. We can all talk about historical fact to make things seem preferable but that isn't going to help me get the best deal today. In 2013 Virgin won the Uswitch Best broadband provider, fastest home broadband, best WiFI service AND best broadband innovation. I would suggest that they offer me far more benefit than awards from 2-3 years ago.

Mitesh: Why would you change you current provider ?

You: Because I want the best deal, and if I can negotiate one with you I will switch. But I am not going to pay £50 for connection to an inferior service...... would you?

You: If you can get me my package for £40 per month for 12 months then I will sign up to you right now.

Mitesh: When you say it's cost, will you consider tailoring your package to suit your budget?

You: No, I know what I want and I am happy with what I have asked for. I am currently looking at the OFCOM website which says that per 1000 customers your complaint levels are TWICE that of virgin. SO when I was told by Bhavesh that SKY offer the best levels of product and customer service I have been clearly lied to haven't i?

Mitesh: I will give you the link where you can check to verify

Mitesh: click here to know why choose sky ?

You: I am on OFCOM's actual website, I find it incredibly disrespectful that you are effectively accusing me of lying. http://consumers.ofcom.org.uk/2011/04/most-complained-about-major-telecoms-providers-revealed/ There is a link that proves my facts.

You: I do not click on links from an unknown source, this is basic internet safety and security. I would not like to think that I am potentially compromising my computers integrity by clicking on a rogue link.

Mitesh: I have given you the link to help you to know why to choose sky

Mitesh: Have you subscribed to sky in last 12 months?

You: Yes, but I am out of contract, and my sky box and dish are not working correctly.

Mitesh: You then don't need to apply for new account

You: I don't want a new account, I want the best deal and that seems to not be offered to people who have paid their bills and been loyal to sky.

Mitesh: I will give you a form to fill up online and sky advisor will call you with the offers for returning customers

Mitesh: Is that ok ?

You: If it is a link then I will not open it, I have no way of verifying its safety. All I am asking is that I am given a package at a price that is fair for an inferior product, I am offering to downgrade my internet and be charged £50 connection for the privilege........... This is just ridiculous. I have been lied to about customer satisfaction, it has been implied that I was not being truthful regarding OFCOM's data too. I am actually quite disappointed with the way I have been treated.

Mitesh: All chats are 128-byte SSL (Secure Socket Layer) encrypted BSkyB Ltd All Rights Reserved.  This helps to protect the confidentiality of all information you provide online and remember confidential information is not transfered as part of this chat.

Mitesh: For your security and peace of mind, all chats to Sky advisors are recorded. On occasion chats may be used for quality and training purposes.

You: I can't seem to get the deal that I want it seems. Well I will now go and compare other services from BT, PLUSNET, VIRGIN and others in a bid to get what I am looking for. Thank you for your time, I really thought we could come to an agreement but it seems my attempts have been in vain. Good evening to you.

·  Mitesh: Good evening, thank you for your time

Mitesh: It was a pleasure chatting with you. Sky rewards its customers with free cinema tickets, treats, competitions and a chance to take part in your favourite shows. Sky Rewards is our way of saying thank you for being our valuable customer. Please do login to the following link to review your rewards.https://rewards.sky.com/skyloyalty/home/

Mitesh: Goodbye

You: Last chance to accept my deal of £40 per month..... and I'll throw in 10 free ringdings!

Mitesh: You need to fill the form for returning customer, and you can check you might get what you are looking for

Mitesh: Shall I give you the link to fill the form ?

You: Thank you for your time, much love Richard Branson.