Fat people...

Alright you lovely people,

Sorry it's been a while since I blogged but I have been mega busy finishing my life sized sculpture of St Pauls cathedral out of my own ear wax.I figured it was about time that I wrote something offensive as I haven't upset anyone in weeks. Apart from my mate Hoppy, but that was a simple geographical misunderstanding.

pipe down, I can already hear the words pot, black and kettle being reaaranged and aimed in my direction BUT me being fat gives me the perfect and absolute god given right to criticise people for their weight. I don't watch a lot of television but the wife sits there and can watch the most obscure shit about how someones dog once got aids but it was cured by a blind faith healer with chronic flatulence and a Jeremy Beadle type miniature hand.

Tonight she is sat here watching supersize kids: Under the knife and it makes me so sad to see these fuckers making up excuses as to wht they are fat. The truth of it is simple you lumpy fuck YOU EAT TOO MUCH SHIT! Having extra salad on your 2lb mega monster burger does not constitute a healthy meal, it does not bring the calorie count down and it won't stop you from ending up in a box before you're 50.

Allow me to demonstrate with a simple illustration.....



I really hope that this spells it out in black and white, you eat shit, you look like shit. Now I know there are always exceptions to the rule, thyroid issues can really make it hard to shed the pounds and I am sure there are other medical complaints that make it awkward.... BUT and this is a big but (so is the motherfucker in the bottom right picture!) if you eat X amount of fat, calories and carbs and you burn Y amount of calories YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT!

On this tv show Kelly is watching a child under the age of 18 is being taken by her fat fuck of a mother to Belgium for a gastric by pass procedure. The mother seems to think that she can wheel out the fat gene arguement.

"But my grandmother was fat, so I inherited the fat gene from her!"

No you fucking didn't you fucking pathetic, whining bastard... you inherited her love of cream cakes, doughnuts and fucking Doner kebabs! I'll be fucked if I will ever blame my genetics for my weight problems, I can trace my weight issues back to eating fuck tons of sweets as a kid (without my parents knowing, I was a secret closet fat pig) an excess of beer for 5 or 6 years, which involved Friday to sunday drinking marathons with the legend that is Phil Trout, and eating 2 or 3 kebab/fried chicken meals per night to mop up the 12 pints of Stella I used to tuck away.

I am fat, Kelly is fat, that's our faults, but one thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that while my children's food intake is decided by me my children WILL NEVER BE FAT. I control their diet, I know what they can and can't eat and I would NEVER consider piling shit food on Kate or Charlies plate night in night out. Sure they can have a treat from time to time and they can have the occasional packet of sweets but I will never feed them to a level that could practically be considered as child abuse like some of these shit arsed excuses of parents seem to do without any feelings of guilt.

I always see the government thinktanks saying "fast food should be banned, as should the adverts" NO NO NO NO NO Stupid parents should be fucking banned. If a grown adult can't tell the difference between something that is good and something that is bad I would question their mental stability and suitability to look after a child.

I made a lot of wrong choices when I was growing up, and I have paid for them with weight issues and with diabetes most likely brought on by my poor diet and excess weight, I make no excuses for it and I am addressing it day by day, sure I slip off the wagon from time to time (who doesn't) but I am taking the right steps.

Well it's doughnut time so I am off to lick all the excess sugar out of the bottom of the box they came in, Stay healthy and remember....... Fat is not funny! Unless it's a fat clown that has been set on fire.


Much love,

Dave.

I was watching Jeremy Kyle this morning because he kicks arse!

I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if one of the blokes on stage was the father of a baby that looked like it had been cross bred with a really ugly Camel and the bastards went to a commercial break.

During the break 2 adverts really stood out to me, they were as follows....

Cats protection: Can you spare £3 per month to help feed this starving kitten?
Me: That sounds perfectly reasonable, where's my phone?

But something made me hesitate and by fuck am I glad I did. The very next advert was this.....

Advert: Just £2 can supply a MONTH of school lunches for an African child.
Me: Fucking Brucey bonus! I get to take the moral high ground AND save a pound a month!

But then I stumbled across an idea that might just be so fucking revolutionary I might be in line for a Nobel prize or something equally as highbrow!

What if we took all the stray cats and dog, kittens, puppies, snakes, lizards, eagles, rhino's and other animals people discard as pets, render them into a quarter pound patty and send them out to disadvantaged countries?

Well after a couple of moments deep consideration I decided not only is it possible my idea should be implemented as soon as is humanly possible.

This is the chain of events as I envision it.....



I started to do some research and I discovered that 5.5 million cats, kittens, dogs and puppies are euthanized in the USA every single year. This is a fucking travesty! What a waste of perfectly good meat!!!

By my understanding we could reduce the need for the general public to contribute to so many charities therefore ensuring considerable funding boosts for major charities. There would be a massive reduction in world hunger, even if it only provided one meal every other day it’s better than they are receiving now.

And finally it’d boost employment, there would be an increased number of jobs in the butchering industry, abattoirs, cooking, delivery/logistics and administration to name but a few it’s a win win situation!

Then I figured why stop there, so many species of animal are critically endangered, The giant Panda, various breeds of Rhino, Tigers and many, many more species are draining the charity pots of tens of millions of pounds (at least) every single year. Sell off the panda meat as exotic panda burgers, we could get Jamie Oliver to front a campaign for the proper preparation and cooking of rare meats. After all Jamie believes in healthy eating, and Panda is very good for Iron and low in fat.

Who needs elephants? I mean don’t get me wrong they are majestic creatures but an elephant leg would fit conveniently on a kebab shops rotary grill, they’d only need to pull off the toenails and the job’s done! I have cleverly made up some foodstuffs that I believe could be a real winner.