Percy uhhhh penis?

Ever read the paper and see that somebody has found a deep fried chicken brain or rat in their KFC bargain bucket? Are you fascinated when people find an image of Albert Einstein in a can of Pedigree chum? Me too!!!

Well today I had my 'moment' where I found something terrible in my food, and it came not from my nemesis KFC but from a far posher source.

I was off on a road trip and feeling quite peckish so I stopped at the local M&S food hall. When the actual FUCK did sandwiches require a second mortgage to purchase? I paid nearly £4 for a chicken and bacon sandwich, FOUR. FUCKING. POUNDS. Is the chicken famous? Was it the chicken that crossed the road? Did it have 4.2 million followers on instagram, lips like Mick Jagger and boobs like beach balls? Was the bacon actually parts of PEPPA and her family after their slaughter? 

Calm down Dave you're getting sidetracked.

I also bought a bag of sweet treats in the form of some percy pigs, don't tell my diabetic nurse because over the course of 10 minutes I inhaled the lot, by the lot I mean ALMOST the lot.

As I reached the bottom of the bag I felt something cold and shriveled, and my mind raced at the idea of what it could be.....

I withdrew my hand from the packet dreaming of it being a dead baby bird, my disgusted face on the front page of the Sunday Mirror, Sport or even better the News of the World and a 100k payout to spend on overseas holidays and fast cars, but no, what I got was this.

Percy's flacid and kerb stomped cock and bollocks. It looked like the private parts of one of those fat blokes in the videos (that I never get sent by my freak mates...) where they get kicked repeatedly in the junk by a 70 year old Dominatrix until their crown jewels resemble fucking roadkill. I suppose it could be the result of nuclear mutations from Chernobyl or Fukushima, but not entirely convinced.

No wonder Percy and Penny, the lass he's been porking for some time (see what I did there?) haven't had Pedro, Peter or Penelope join their merry family, his dick looks like it got run over by a fucking steamroller! Do I start a gofundme for Percy to have reconstructive surgery, or is that a little too personal? 

All I know is that I have STILL spent less time with a pig's willy in my hand than Rebecca Loos (actual pig, not David Beckham) if you're not sure look up 'Rebecca loos pig' on Google.

Until next time, friends.

Much love,

Dave x :)

How do they do it? Yes KFC (again!)

Let's start with a couple of niceties shall we?

KFC haven't got my order wrong for WEEKS, and so you know why? Because I fucking REFUSED to go! 

End of niceties.

First of all the fuckers tried to give me a medium drink, well that's not an option really is it pal? I drive up to the payment window looking like donkey kong on a kid's gokart, I'm taller than the dude on the headset whilst sat in my car AND he's standing on a fucking raised platform! I imagine I weigh more than his entire family (seen more meat on a vegan's shopping list)  and he probably heard my stomach rumbling before I left the house.

I place my order, being very careful to enunciate my words:

Me "Greetings and salutations! Please may I order a fillet box meal with GRAVY, yes that's correct G-R-A-V-Y. May I also please have a boneless banquet meal, also with G-R-A-V-Y, thank you good Sir, have a splendid evening".

I drove to the window, paid and asked for a receipt (please refer to exhibit A, a slightly creased list of culinary delights)

note: RG GRAVY, in fucking block capitals, TWICE!

Success! It clearly said GRAVY on the receipt, I was that euphoric I was like a dog with two dicks! But then the game of deaf, dumb and blind Chinese whispers began.

Employee 1: This man ordered 2 pots of gravy

Employee 2: You work on a boat in the Navy

Employee 3: I watched love island last night and the picture was wavy

Employee 4: I hunt wearing jeans

And then we got to the final chapter of our verbal pass the fucking parcel where employee 5 said "This cunt is getting beans".

Beans, beans good for the heart, the more you eat the more you f............ucking realise they taste NOTHING like fucking GRAVY! They don't look, smell or fucking taste similar, in fact they are so far apart I'm pretty sure Stevie Wonder could tell the difference.

How fucking difficult is it to distinguish gravy from beans? It's like mixing up a fleshlight (look it up) for a fucking strimmer! They are COMPLETELY fucking different.

Tomorrow I'll go to war with their customer services, they will offer me vouchers, I'll decline them because I'm pretty sure the barcode says 'extra spit on this order please' and we'll be back to square one because Kelly is like a fucking crack addict when it comes to that deep fried bullshit.

I will say that there are a couple of GREAT employees there, one of which is a family friend But he's never there when I get dispatched to that minging shitpit!

I'm becoming a vegan............ maybe.

Cambridge become world's richest club!

Cambridge united confirm that they are now the world's richest club after dwarfing revenue streams from such clubs as Milan, Barcelona and even Manchester city. But how did they manage such an incredible feat whilst only securing their place in the third tier of English a few short weeks ago?

You could be forgiven for thinking that they'd sold their soul to some rich sugar daddy, to be used as a plaything for personal amusement and the massaging of an ego, but what you'd likely not expect is that ACCIDENTAL design and innovation was behind their rags to riches transformation.

In an exclusive, we at Ramblings of a fat buffoon spoke to a club executive about this remarkable situation.

"We're still in shock really, it's fantastic for the club and will really help our push for European trophies." She said. "We were brainstorming for the 2021/22 home kit and had a number of sketches ready to go. One of the work experience kids accidentally dropped a bag of manure on the table as they walked past and a plague of flies, we're talking biblical proportions here, descended on the table and congregated on our designs in huge numbers. What we saw shocked us, and to be honest we initially had no idea of the implications of what came next. The flies were everywhere, but the one place they refused to go near was our favourite design. They were that repelled by the pattern of the new shirt they went against their own biological directive."

This led to the club contacting a number of scientists who confirmed that flies would not even land on that shit.

Further tweaking and development of the design uncovered unlimited applications including Cambridge united branded bin bags, horse coats and food coverings, but it didn't stop there, millions of shirts were shipped to countries with mosquito transmitted viruses and cases of infection dropped 97.8% overnight, and it is believed that the remaining cases were down to motorcyclists accidentally swallowing the bugs on their travels.

The club source also confirmed that various 'top' players from the powerhouses of Europe had already been phoning the Newmarket road stadium in anticipation of a bumper payday.

Messi, De Bruyne and Lorenzo Insigne are among the favourites to pull on the ugliest kit ever invented.