No it'SNOT!

If you know me then you'll know I am a very calm, logical and carefree kind of guy. And you'll also know that what I just said is a MASSIVE fucking lie!

EVERYTHING irks me lately, since my hairline started heading south to relocate in my nostrils and ears I have been getting increasingly cranky. I'm not lying either, all of you young thundercats will end up having similar issues, where you look like you've eaten a hedgehog, sneezed and its fucking bristles have popped out of every orifice leaving you looking like an angry sea urchin with a pot belly.

Let me first start by talking about a fucking magical incident that happened at my unnamed place of work today.

I was stood there minding my own business ensuring people could go about their daily business when a customer approached me at a rate of knots. He was clearly in a right mood so I braced myself for the upcoming tirade.

It went a little something like this:

Me: Good morning Sir, is there anything I can help you with today?

Captain lycra: Yes, yes there is! Did you know that there are no plastic bags by the vegetables?

Me: Yes Sir I did, we are trying to help save the environment from its impending death, we are cutting the amount of single use plastics we have in store. 

Captain lycra: Well that's fucking ridiculous! How am I supposed to transport these carrots home?

Me: Well, and here's just a suggestion, maybe you could put them in that bag on your back? It's only 3 small carrots and I am pretty sure you could fit a 3 bed apartment in that thing.....

And it was at this point I noticed something dreadful, the man had a droplet of clear snot hanging off of his septum and the more bothered he became the larger it got.

I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to see if I could make this shiny globule touch the floor. I began talking to him again.

Me: Greta Thunberg told me us that we need to save the environment so that future generations can enjoy the joy we experience from snowball fights and building a giant snowman complete with a carrot nose.
Captain lycra: Well I think it is fucking stupid! 

Me: And can you imagine how hard it will be to scuba dive with your view obscured by tons of plastic?

Captain lycra: I don't go scuba diving......

Me: Neither do I Sir.

Captain lycra: Then why are you bothered?

Me: I'm not.......

Captain lycra: but..........

With every word I spoke he got redder, and the snot drop got bigger and heavier. Gravity began to play its part and it was soon hanging precariously above his top lip.

Me: And don't forget all the dolphins that are eating carrier bags thinking thinking they are jellyfish!

Captain lycra: Jellyfish???

at this point he turned slightly and the snot became truly mobile, it swung around like some kind of crystal ball on a chain, and this is where it got really bad.

It connected with his chin! It formed a liquid crystal arc from nose to chin, and I figured he was till unaware......

Until he licked it! That was it, I was retching inside and in danger of throwing up on his bicycle clips and hiking boots, and then he did it again! I have never been so revulsed in my entire life. I felt so ill at the sight that I didn't eat breakfast for at least 20 minutes.

Bloody grim.