As I approached I began to hear a distant voice, I slowed the car down and opened the window, I could still hear the voice but couldn't see anybody. I soon enough realised that it was coming from inside my head, and it was repeating the same 2 words over and over, get chinese, Get chinese, GET CHINESE, GET CHINEEEEEEESE!!!!!
But the wife had insisted I take what little is left of my soul and pick her up some chicken and recycled chips (fries for the American folk) so like a devoted (read as slightly terrified) husband I closed my window and drove up to the speaker.
To save time I have decided to abbreviate the KFC employee to FCO (Fried chicken overlord) and this, this right here, is how it went.
FCO: Hi, welcome to KFC Ely how can I help you?
Me: Hi, can I please have a LARGE fillet box meal.
FCO: What side and drink would you like with that? <---IMPORTANT -------<<<
Me: Can I please have GRAVY and a Pepsi max cherry
FCO: Not a problem, would you like to go large with that meal?
Me; (What I wanted to say) Well duuuuuh, I asked for a large meal, so no make it a regular.
Me: (What I actually said) Yes please, that would be super!
FCO: Anything else?
Me: Yes please, can I also have a LARGE boneless banquet meal. (Note LARGE!)
FCO: What side, dip and drink would you like with that?
Me: May I please have GRAVY, sweet chilli dip and a Pepsi max cherry.
FCO: Would you like to go large with that?
At this point I considered banging my head against the steering wheel, but my car is held together with prayers and best wishes so I decided against it.
Me: Yes please.
FCO: That will be blah blah blah, please make your way to the next window.
I arrived at the window and paid, I was asked if I wanted a receipt but thinking of the impact on our environment (Good old Greta Thunberg) I said no, and therein was my mistake.
I pulled up to the collection window and was handed two MEDIUM cups of drink, yes MEDIUM, now I'm siding with you here, I'm really hoping that customer care are compos mentis and you'll see where things are starting to unravel. I didn't ask for MEDIUM sized drinks Betty, or whatever your name is, I asked for LARGE!
Betty: Are you sure you asked for large meals Sir?
Me: yes, yes I am.
Betty: Well it says on the screen that you ordered 1 large and 1 medium meal
Me: I ordered two large meals, but hey HOLD ON A MINUTE! If I ordered two medium meals according to your screen WHY are you handing me 2 x medium?
Betty: Oh yeah! oops.
Me: (In my head) Yeah, ooops indeed sweetheart, now maybe you could concentrate on getting my order right and not dancing around the kitchen like you're having some form of taser induced seizure.
She then proceeds to hand me 2 x large drinks without a cup holder!
Me: Do you have any cup holders please? It's really difficult juggling 2 drinks whilst driving.
Betty: You need a cup holder?
Me: Yes please, if it's not too much trouble.
At this point I pulled away from the window and began my journey home. Therein lay my second mistake. I DIDN'T CHECK MY ORDER....... Now, a lot of friends have told me that I should ALWAYS check my order before I leave, but you know something? I believe in treating adults like adults, I mean after all, these staff members are entrusted with sharp implements such as knives and scissors, and I presume they also have to fry the chicken in boiling hot oil.
But no, because I'm an idiot I trusted these people not to get 2 simple meals wrong.
I got home and sat on the sofa weeping softly and rocking back and forth like some kind of escaped psychopath while my wife got the food out of the bag and handed it to me. This is where it went even further tits up.
Wife: No gravy again?
Me: Yeah, they had gravy.
Wife: So why have we got two pots of beans?
Me: Probably because a lizard with concussion is more likely to get my order right than the evil chicken overlords at that absolute den of stupidity.
Wife: Sorry, I know you prefer funerals than going to get KFC but I really fancied it.
Me: That's ok, can you pass me my sweet chilli dip please?Wife: No dip
I grabbed my phone, looked up the number for the restaurant and dialled it, the phone rang about a dozen times and I hung up. I'm glad they didn't answer to be honest, because had they picked up that phone I'm not sure that they would have survived the verbal armageddon I was about to bring down on them.
PLEASE don't insult me by saying you'll send in the area/regional coaches to teach them the difference between gravy and beans, if they can't tell the difference by now may I suggest you fire them all and put some of your chickens in charge for the future? My cat is 17 years old and currently licking her own arse and I'm fairly sure that even she could spot the difference between beans and gravy.
When are you actually going to take care of this restaurant and get them trained to a standard where they are equipped to notice subtle differences between oooooh let's say night and day, or maybe hot or cold.
Really it is an absolute joke of a place to get food from, and if my wife continues to send me I can see three potential outcomes.
1) Divorce, I end up living under a bridge in sarf london and strangers buy me KFC so I don't end up on drugs or alcohol.
2) My wife's murder. I'd hate to kill her, she's mostly a nice person, but she's pushing her luck by keeping on sending me.
3) I lay in the drive thru lane in a chicken suit screaming 'KFC is murder' until the nice men in the padded ambulance come along, scoop me up and let me wear the nice jacket with the buckles and straps.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FIX THE PROBLEM! I don't care about compensation, I don't care about the fact that yet again I went without the food I ordered, but I do care about my mental health, and I am about one missing or incorrect side away from going five alarm wibble again, and that wasn't very fun for me.
