'KFC Ely, you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy'.

Stick the kettle on, make yourself a nice cup of tea and have a couple of biscuits (yes cookies you American oddballs) because I'm about to blow.

Pond dribble: Welcome to KFC drive thru, can I take your order please?

Me: Why yes, yes you can my good man! I'll have the following.

1 x Large fillet box meal with a thigh piece, gravy and cherry pepsi max.

1 x Large boneless banquet meal with sweet chilli dip, gravy and cherry pepsi max

1 x Fillet tower burger

1 x Large cherry pepsi max

And finally some corn.

Pond dribble: No problem, please come to the first window.

So I drive forward 10 fucking yards, my heart already dropping out of my ass because I know that my happy day is about to be murdered by imbeciles.

Me: Can I just check both meals are large.

Pond dribble: Neither are large sir, did you want large?

Me: Yes please, that's why I asked for large meals, it was the very first thing I fucking asked for!

Pond dribble: "Oh right........ and there's a 15 minute wait for chicken"

Me: Oh, fucking joy!


I drive round to the collection window and am confronted by the most impossibly cheerful cunt I have ever met.

Happy cunt: "Here are your drinks, we have plastic straws!"

Me: (to myself) I bet you have fucking plastic scissors too you fucking clown shoe. "Can I have a cup holder please?"

Happy cunt: "We only have the holders for 4 cups, and you only have 3 drinks"

Me: "Well I have 3 drinks......."

Happy cunt: "But this holds 4 teeheehee!"

Me: "CUP. HOLDER."

Happy cunt: Have you tried our new supercharger dip? Teeheehee!

Me: No I have not, I just want sweet chilli please

Happy cunt: Are you suuuuuure? Teeheehee!

Me: SWEET. CHILLI.

My food arrived in less than 3 fucking minutes, they said 15 minutes, how long has my chicken been fuckimg hanging around for? I reckon I got the reheats from yesterday fucking lunchtime.

I swear if I wake up in the middle of the night with the shits I'm going to squeeze some of my runs out into a fucking tupperware box and leave it on their fucking doorstep!

And they forgot my fucking corn, the absolute fucking wankpuffins!

KFC twitter feed, get fucking ready!