So, a lot of you know that I don't tolerate stupidity very well, it ranks right up there on my 'go fuck yourself' list. I'm just not good at hiding my disdain when people do or share stuff that is so clearly bullshit that I want to repeatedly bash them in the head with a fucking coconut.
From viral posts telling you what percentage Hobbit you are, to not understanding basic app permissions, it all makes me want to drown you in a bowl of chicken and sweetcorn soup, but it's not just me, there is a queue behind me a mile long willing to do the same.
So without any further fuckery, and no further fucking ado let us take a look at a few of my favourites.
1) 1 like = 1 prayer.
Dave says: Don't be a fucking soggy biscuit. I'm pretty sure that God DOESN'T EXIST, but if he does happen to then I'm pretty sure he's not going to save a child because Barbara and her mates gave a post the fucking thumbs up! In fact I would imagine that God is probably face palming at your stupidity. I mean it's a noble thing to click a button to notify a deity that there is a child in mortal danger, but no, just fucking step away from the device.
2) The facebook starting to charge for usage post.
Dave says: Even though Mark Fuckerberg has repeatedly told these lemmings that he's NEVER going to charge the user for accessing Facebook you still get these fucking oxygen thieves dropping some copy/paste bullshit that will make them exempt from paying the weekly/monthly/yearly fee. Don't be a fucking dingbat, all you're doing is spreading lies and dimwittery.
3) The let's see who reads my wall post.
Dave says: No Betty, just fucking NO! Please copy and paste this message and drop a reply saying where we met. Oh Betty, you poor fucking deluded fool, do you REALLY want me, one of the most awkward, devious, shit stirring bastards in history telling your friends and family where we met? I'm obviously not going to say 'work' so it's either going to be a brothel or the local STI clinic, take yer fucken pick you dickhead!
4) The Facebook spring clean!
Dave says: Oh, that's great news! I survived the culling of the knuckle draggers and now I will continue to be subjected to your fucking waffle about the price of bread, the fact your girlfriend is so beautiful (I have news for you, she's a fucking swampdonkey) Am I supposed to be grateful that you want to continue spying on my life? Fuck you tarquin you nosey cunt.
5) The I'm deactivating my Facebook account next week post.
Dave says: Yawn, this is the 47th time this weekend you've threatened to go away and leave me in peace! Stop making empty promises you fucking tease!!! I know you're going through a tough time since you lost that £5 off pizza hut voucher, but let's not get carried away, you're going to make it through, in fact if you shut the fuck up I'll give you a few quid and you can gorge yourself on a large stuffed crust with Tuna and Skittles.
6) The quick! MESSAGE ME! post.
Dave says: If you have a serious problem then by all means ask people for help, we've all been there and could do with sharing some good or bad news, but don't just say 'I give up' and then not reply to Cheryl, Mavis and Julie's comments saying 'Oh babe, what's wrong?' and definitely DO NOT say 'inbox me' you fucking lazy piss stained tramp's shoe, if you want to talk to me then you fucking message me you lazy cunt.
7) The hard man post.
Dave says: Ok Gary we get it, you're sick of ISIS murdering people, we are fucking upset about it too, but I'm pretty sure that you being outraged on Facebook is not going to bother them for the following reasons.
- You only leave your parent's basement to go for a piss or to visit the job centre.
- The most powerful gun you've ever held, let alone fired is a fucking light gun on your PS fucking 3.
- You don't own a passport, so the closest you're getting to Syria is the front door of your parent's house.
- You're a fucking 6 stone coward who breaks bones when you yawn, so get back in your fucking box, ok Gary?
8) The MLM 'friend'
Dave says: Oh, Hi Barbara! I haven't heard from you in 15 years, how are you doing? Oh riiiiight, you're now selling the sweat from the ass crack of bumble bees, and you want me to become part of a highly successful, super motivated team of like-minded people who want to earn £50000 a day and by only working 3 days per week! I've seen claims that the products of these fucking MLM companies can cure CANCER, yes you read that right it can CURE CANCER! No healthcare professional, no research chemist and no hospital have ever found a definitive cure, but if I eat 3 spider legs dipped in moose shit 5 times a day for three months my tumours will be gone and I'll be competing in ironman triathlons? SIGN. ME. THE. FUCK. UP. Orrrrrrr, you could just fuck off and leave me alone.
Thanks for sticking with me thus far, but I want to close out with an extra special fucking moron that I encountered a few years back, I won't be telling you her name because I feel it is unfair to single out somebody for being so wonderfully stupid that she'd lose a game of scrabble to a brain injured weasel, isn't that right Sue?........ ooops.
9) The Facebook messenger conspiracy.
Dave says: I was told that Facebook are taking over the world. They are infiltrating our home day by day and will eventually control our every waking moment.
Sue: Dave, you shouldn't install facebook messenger, I fucking won't be.
Me: Oh right........ Why not?
Sue: They ask for access to your microphone, camera, contact list and gallery, they do it so they can see everything you see and hear everything you say.
Me: What makes you think that?
Sue: Well why else would they need access to all of those things?
Me: Well Sue, and I'm just guessing here....... Maybe, just maaaaaybe it's because you can make voice and video calls via messenger, that's why they need access to your Mic and Cam, and they need access to your contacts so you can errrrrrr contact them I'd imagine. Oh and finally I would imagine they'd need access to your gallery so you can send 300 fucking selfies a day of your fat ass to your friends.
Sue: Eh?
Honestly this shit drives me insane.
Just a couple more things, no you don't look 18 years old, you are not 140% awesome, you won't die aged 303 years old due to eating deadly nightshade and I am pretty fucking certain your name doesn't mean heroic unicorn in fucking sanscrit you absolute stark raving cuntburger.
Love you all really, but if I kill you it is probably due to shit I have covered above.
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