So I know people come and read my blog for a laugh, usually at my expense.... but today I want to write about something that has affected myself and my family in a way that I never could have realised, because I didn't see it coming.
I am talking about depression, anxiety and all the other shit that comes with these awful afflictions. This week is Mental health awareness week, and I believe that the time is right for me to share my experiences with as many people as possible. This is not a viral post that you have to share 1000 times or your dog will get diabetes, but I encourage you to share it if you wish. If me opening up to what happened can help even a single person spot the 'markers' that precede depression then I feel I am doing the right thing.
So here goes, and my apologies, it gets kind of dark in places.
Depression is like walking through cobwebs, at least it was for me. One web would hang on as I brushed by, then another and another, they kept clinging to me, building up and building up until they got to be too much for me to handle, and they dragged me down to the ground and refused to let me rise. Sure sometimes I could drag myself back to my feet, but sure enough more and more webs would tangle me up and I was back to the floor. The problem comes in the fact you don't notice them building until it is far too late, and then unless somebody else spots your problems you are in a whole world of trouble.
I had noticed some abnormalities in my life for sure, I became argumentative (Yes, more than normal) I was so horrible snappy and irritable with those whom I loved the most and I became more emotional than I could understand. Of course, being 'Big Dave' I wasn't depressed, I mean how could I be? I'm the one always cracking the jokes, winding people up in the name of entertainment.....
I still blame myself for not spotting how much I was falling, people I was close to at work had begun to notice small changes in me, a wonderful friend caught me bawling my eyes out in the warehouse and having dealt with depression and extreme anxiety himself got me to thinking maybe there WAS something going on with me. So I went home early that day, and I sat on the sofa feeling angry at my lack of emotional control, but I still wouldn't fully accept that I had anything any worse than anybody else.
I looked at my issues, and aside from a few bits at home, and being bored at work (sorry management) I was fine, wasn't I? So why did I feel like an abject failure? Why, even though I have the most amazing family did I feel like I wasn't good enough for them? It came to a head one night after a huge argument at home, I went out and I drove for 7 hours straight, I drove to Ipswich and back on a loop, to Cambridge for no reason whatsoever, and I didn't stop crying the whole time.
Let's change direction for a bit, How do you spot depression? Check out this picture below, can you see any obvious signs of struggle? Do I look like somebody who literally hated who I was? Do I look like somebody that was going to cry through entire comedy movies because of absolutely no reason whatsoever?
This picture was taken in Kings Lynn, I had already considered stepping in front of a train that morning as I absolutely believed in my head that my family would be better off without me. I am welling up with tears at my stupidity for ever feeling that, because leaving my family to cope without me would have been horribly tough on them, and they'd literally have been clueless as to why I actually did it.
The rollercoaster of euphoria and then absolute emptiness was taking its toll on both family and friendship, I was pushing away the very people I should have embraced, but although I knew I wanted them to be a part of my world I didn't want to be a burden on them, I was almost ashamed of being at that point where I should have stood up and shouted from the rooftops
I NEED HELP!
But I didn't, I suffered in silence, lashed out at kindness and generally came close to throwing away everything I had worked so hard to achieve. This was my biggest mistake, I see it now.
Suicidal thoughts flooded my brain over the coming weeks, trains, pills, jumping....... All of them fleeting thoughts, but real enough to at some point bring a calmness and logic to an illogical situation. But I guess I still had a thin layer of self preservation because although I walked along the tracks I never walked on them. I really struggled with whether to include this information, I hate the thought that Katie might have read this and worried, so I spoke to her and she understood my need to be honest, for a 12 year old she is wise beyond her years.
It was after sitting by a level crossing for an hour watching the trains go by that I had a bit of a eureka moment. It finally clicked that I couldn't do this by myself, I needed professional help before I reached the very bottom and was trapped forever. It took a good week or so to get an appointment because I wouldn't mention suicidal thoughts to the Doctor's receptionist, I was sure that my kids would be taken into care or that I'd be locked away in some form of padded cell and force fed so I couldn't hurt myself with cutlery.
When I finally managed to go and see the Doctor I burst into tears (again) but he was so good to me, he clearly understood how I was feeling, why I was feeling it and how best to begin unravelling my tangled emotions and thoughts. There was no judgement from him, he believed me, he wanted to help, and THAT was the most liberating moment I had felt in weeks. We talked about medication, emotional triggers, contributing factors and many other things, but I still withheld how desperately low I was. Our weekly meetings to check my progress restored a percentage of my sanity, but I was still far from fixed.
At home the kids would avoid me, because I was verbally horrible to them, I'd shout at them for no reason, and I still regret that to this day, all I can hope is that they understand it wasn't coming from me, it was coming THROUGH me. Kelly and I were also constantly at each others throats, I became so disinterested in anything she had to say or asked me to do that I left her a whole pile of life's dirty laundry without an explanation.
She thought I was faking it, there's no escaping that. She honestly believed I was doing it to get time off of work, and her logic was that because I was 'happy' on the xbox chatting shit with friends and became depressed and withdrawn when things needed doing, that I was just shirking responsibility. The xbox, and talking crap with mates was my safe space, I had no pressure on me, and I could escape from those horrible feelings for hours at a time.
Financially the time I was taking off of work was also a massive burden on Kelly, it was the best part of 20 weeks that I was off of work, and statutory sick pay doesn't go very far in this day and age. Thankfully a few of Kelly's friends who had partners and parents that had been through the darkest of times and come out the other side, and they explained perfectly how I was feeling, why I was behaving the way I was, and that eventually it would get better. These people know who they are and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their messages of support to myself and Kelly.
As the weeks passed and Kelly got to understanding that I was really unwell she learned to adapt, she took the extra strains of daily life on and I am so grateful for that, because I literally had no strength either mentally or physically to deal with things. One day she sat on the floor and hugged me for almost an hour, she didn't say anything, she just held me while I cried myself into a stupor.
Eventually things began to improve, but it took 3 different types of medication and trial and error with dosage before I began to be able to process the most basic of emotion. So I guess that sums it up, I know I have bleated on for ages and it has been far from humorous, but I really felt the need to share this, to let people know that it CAN be beaten, it is a battle that is worth fighting, because the alternative is awful.
I need to put on record my gratitude to my family and friends that I put through hell at times, I thank you for your support, your understanding and your patience. I thank my wife for not beating me to death in my sleep because I was so horrible. I thank my amazing children for giving me hug therapy when I was in the doldrums.
If this resonates with you, if you feel even one or two of the things that I have mentioned above then please look out for yourself. I will always keep an eye open for friends during their darkest days, but sometimes they disguise it well, just like I did. NEVER BE ASHAMED of reaching out to somebody, never think that you are alone. If you're in a bad place look for the light, it may be a friend, it may be a hobby, it may be a bottle of pills prescribed by a doctor, or a counselling session, hell it may be all of these things, but ASK!
Here is a link to the mental health awareness website, it is full of resources that may be useful to somebody.
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week
Normal service will resume with my blog at the beginning of next week, I don't do serious often, and I thank you for reading this much.
Love you all.
Your friend,
Dave.
