The introduction
Remember Lego? That plastic block shit that if you stand on it is likely akin to treading on a fucking landmine, yeah that's the one :)
Did you know they have a theme park in Windsor? You didn't? Oh... well let me fucking enlighten you!
First of all allow me to explain how violated I feel after my trip there, I am certainly not tight fisted when it comes to money, but I lost less money when Megan Fox emailed me from Nigeria asking for a 5k loan so she could come and see me, the lying bitch!
Lego used to be cheap, it's not any more, I saw a lego castle for sale the other day for £250, that is a fucking joke, it's a bunch of plastic pieces! Well the theme park is just as fucking ridiculously priced.
For a family of 4 it will cost you around £160, that ain't cheap..... but wait there's more, and this is where I will pick up the story.
The trip
Once I had got my breathing under control for finding out how much the wife had spent to go and look at lego we set off for Windsor. The drive down was unremarkable, well aside from the £160 worth of tickets THAT I HAD TO FUCKING PRINT MYSELF staring at me from the dashboard of the car. Upon arrival we were directed to the 'nearest' car park by a bunch of spotty, scrawny, suicidal looking 15 year olds, they seemed to take a perverse pride in telling us that we then had to pay £5 for parking.
I wanted to make a fuss about ticket prices, but I had a really pressing problem, I needed a poo, and it wasn't in the mood for waiting any longer. "Mate, where are the toilets?" I asked. He pointed across a dusty scrubland and then extended his arm further to indicate an even further distance.
The walk was excruciating, I felt like I was 9 months gone, limping and shuffling myself along the wasteland with vultures circling above, sensing they had a cheap and massively plentiful meal in me. It felt like a 30 minute walk to the entrance, but thankfully they had toilets outside and I rushed in. I patiently waited, occasionally dropping into a crouch to use my heel to push my imminent arrival back in and eventually made it into the one, yes ONE cubicle in the gents bogs.
No sooner had my arse landed on the seat there was a tap on the door, I am used to this because we have 1 bathroom between 5 of us at home, and although we have a ticket system similar to Tesco's deli counter it rarely works out. "I'll be as quick as I can mate" I said, probably in a quite irritated voice. "My kid really needs to go to the toilet mate" was the reply. Well yeah dickhead so do I, and I think I might need an epidural too so please leave me the fuck alone. I mean really can't I even shit in peace?
Theme park!
Once we made it through checkpoint fucking Charlie and into the park we were immediately greeted by one of my most favourite sites in the world, that being the wonderful world of hypocrisy! A woman in full on Niqab was walking around in FATHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS'S fucking grotto! I shit you not, a devout Muslim (which I have NO issue with) was mixing it up with St Nick!
It was a hot day, really hot in fact and I was in need of refreshment, so I popped to a drinks stand and took a look at the prices, OH EMM actual fucking GEE! £2.75 for a fucking cornetto? Are you fucking kidding me? £2.20 for a bottle of water, you know that shit that falls from the sky? Two pounds fucking twenty! It felt like I had been rectally violated without pain relief or lube as I walked away with a Fanta, a water and nearly a tenner less in my fucking pocket.
The rides are all aimed at young children too, so if you like watching your kid have fun you're in luck, if however you want to have a little fun yourself I suggest bringing a pair of pliers and pulling your nails out as you queue for an hour to go on a fucking fairground ride. The staff manning the rides are a worrying mix too, ranging from suicidal to waaaaay too enthusiastic, you know the type I mean, the ones that smoke crack during their 10 minute break.
For me one of the best aspects of a day like this is people watching, and this trip was no exception, after the delights of Islam popping in to Santa's workshop for a brew I also witnessed grown adults wearing denim dungarees. I shit you not, I thought I was on the set of the music video for fucking 'come on Eileen'. I also have to give an honourable mention to the lanyard wankers. There were quite a few of them, they had Merlin VIP passes and really wanted the world to know it! Most of them were fine, not making a show of themselves, but others were waving their pass around like they were Mulder or Scully from the fucking X files!
My favourite moment though was reserved for the most Irish situation I have ever witnessed (sorry Irish folk) and it was played out by....... an Irish woman! I was queueing with Charlie for a go one a kid's ride, anybody over 0.9 metres could ride it. A girl stood next to the size guide and was tall enough, she was so excited bless her, lie a kid in the proverbial sweet shop. Her mum walked over, grabbed her by the arm and started to frog march her away saying rather loudly "I told ye, yer too fookin' tall for dat roide!" That was it, I couldn't contain my glee, I was properly belly laughing and her partner had clearly spotted me wiping the tears from my eyes. Thankfully he fought his daughter's corner and eventually (literally 10 minutes of proper argument) the fella made his ever so slightly retarded wife see sense.
Back to cost now as I was getting hungry, the choice is fairly limited either a hot dog for nearly a fucking fiver or a steak baguette for 25p short of £7, with no chips or drink! I looked for a policeman but due to cutbacks they no longer investigate theft or extortion, they save their resources for this http://davidpowell78.blogspot.com/2012/10/police-recruitment-test.html and I had to just bend over and take it again.
So to summarise, Legoland is ok, fucking expensive, but ok.
I promise to write more in the coming weeks.
Much love,
Dave.
