Well today I had my 'moment' where I found something terrible in my food, and it came not from my nemesis KFC but from a far posher source.
I was off on a road trip and feeling quite peckish so I stopped at the local M&S food hall. When the actual FUCK did sandwiches require a second mortgage to purchase? I paid nearly £4 for a chicken and bacon sandwich, FOUR. FUCKING. POUNDS. Is the chicken famous? Was it the chicken that crossed the road? Did it have 4.2 million followers on instagram, lips like Mick Jagger and boobs like beach balls? Was the bacon actually parts of PEPPA and her family after their slaughter?
Calm down Dave you're getting sidetracked.
I also bought a bag of sweet treats in the form of some percy pigs, don't tell my diabetic nurse because over the course of 10 minutes I inhaled the lot, by the lot I mean ALMOST the lot.
As I reached the bottom of the bag I felt something cold and shriveled, and my mind raced at the idea of what it could be.....
I withdrew my hand from the packet dreaming of it being a dead baby bird, my disgusted face on the front page of the Sunday Mirror, Sport or even better the News of the World and a 100k payout to spend on overseas holidays and fast cars, but no, what I got was this.
Percy's flacid and kerb stomped cock and bollocks. It looked like the private parts of one of those fat blokes in the videos (that I never get sent by my freak mates...) where they get kicked repeatedly in the junk by a 70 year old Dominatrix until their crown jewels resemble fucking roadkill. I suppose it could be the result of nuclear mutations from Chernobyl or Fukushima, but not entirely convinced.
No wonder Percy and Penny, the lass he's been porking for some time (see what I did there?) haven't had Pedro, Peter or Penelope join their merry family, his dick looks like it got run over by a fucking steamroller! Do I start a gofundme for Percy to have reconstructive surgery, or is that a little too personal?
All I know is that I have STILL spent less time with a pig's willy in my hand than Rebecca Loos (actual pig, not David Beckham) if you're not sure look up 'Rebecca loos pig' on Google.
Until next time, friends.
Much love,
Dave x :)
