Yeah yeah, it HAS been a while..... well suck it up buttercup!
Let's just get into it, because I'm sure you don't want to hear about all the mundane things in life. Oh I did hit 40 while I have been away, and I can confirm that life does indeed begin at 40, if life consists of bad back, an even shorter fuse and not being able to trust a fart ever again.
There are few words that when strung together make me both incredibly happy and angrier than the Hulk after he's been given a parking ticket for overstaying by 47 seconds.
"Hello, and welcome to......."
Fucking drive-thru's are the bane of my life, they sucker you in with their tasty wares, and then they decide to fuck with you on a level that makes your spleen ache.
Why is it that when they are given that fucking headset they wear they suddenly think that they are the captain of the fucking starship enterprise? Get me my fucking burger or you might find it a struggle to Klingon to life! (See what I did there? That was a proper nerdy geek joke)
Well just lately KFC has managed to really get under my skin, they are fucking masters of it, I don't even know where you go, or who you get trained by to hit the levels of absolute fucking gormless that they achieve.
My love/hate relationship with KFC goes back almost 18 years, since a fateful day when they gave me chicken that turned me into a double ended fucking fountain, I didn't know whether to sit on the toilet with my face in a bowl or vice versa, all I know is that I ended up in an Essex hospital on a drip because I pissed and shat out 93% of all the water in my body leaving me looking like a fat Dorito that has been left out in the sun.
"Hi, KFC Ely, what do you want?"
Well first up you little fucker I'd appreciate some fucking manners, but seeing as I have a sneaking suspicion that you have the IQ of a melted wellington boot I'll not push my luck.
I placed my order, it wasn't huge, but all four of us were eating.
1 x Large fillet box meal with a thigh piece, gravy and a Pepsi max cherry.
There are few words that when strung together make me both incredibly happy and angrier than the Hulk after he's been given a parking ticket for overstaying by 47 seconds.
"Hello, and welcome to......."
Fucking drive-thru's are the bane of my life, they sucker you in with their tasty wares, and then they decide to fuck with you on a level that makes your spleen ache.
Why is it that when they are given that fucking headset they wear they suddenly think that they are the captain of the fucking starship enterprise? Get me my fucking burger or you might find it a struggle to Klingon to life! (See what I did there? That was a proper nerdy geek joke)
Well just lately KFC has managed to really get under my skin, they are fucking masters of it, I don't even know where you go, or who you get trained by to hit the levels of absolute fucking gormless that they achieve.
My love/hate relationship with KFC goes back almost 18 years, since a fateful day when they gave me chicken that turned me into a double ended fucking fountain, I didn't know whether to sit on the toilet with my face in a bowl or vice versa, all I know is that I ended up in an Essex hospital on a drip because I pissed and shat out 93% of all the water in my body leaving me looking like a fat Dorito that has been left out in the sun.
"Hi, KFC Ely, what do you want?"
Well first up you little fucker I'd appreciate some fucking manners, but seeing as I have a sneaking suspicion that you have the IQ of a melted wellington boot I'll not push my luck.
I placed my order, it wasn't huge, but all four of us were eating.
1 x Large fillet box meal with a thigh piece, gravy and a Pepsi max cherry.
2 x Large boneless banquet meals with gravy, sweet chilli dip, and Pepsi max cherry
1 x Zinger tower burger
1 x Zinger tower burger
1 x Large popcorn chicken
Fairly easy order right? Well no, no it fucking wasn't, because as soon as you present your bank card they FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE-THRU.
It's like they play an unintentional game of Chinese whispers. What you say gets passed down a line where it becomes so fucking warped and distorted by the time you collect your order you're not sure whether you'll get your food or an elephant leg umbrella stand or three tickets to fucking Les Miserable.
So what did I get??? Well let me tell you, it wasn't even close to what I ordered.
The fillet box meal came with a drumstick instead of a thigh, the beans were in an espresso cup, yup beans, I mean they look similar to gravy, right? They had run out of Pepsi max cherry and it was all served in a bag as they had run out of boxes.
The boneless banquet meals came with no pepsi max cherry, 1 x gravy, 1 x beans (both in espresso cups) NO sweet chilli dip and served in a bag.
The Zinger tower burger came out with no fucking tower! My hash brown was completely missing, it was more a fucking bungalow burger, oh and it was missing the 'Zinger' part too because it just had mayo.
On the plus side they did manage to get the large popcorn chicken right, even though it was served in two small boxes because they had run out of large boxes too. Oh and did I mention that they had also run out of large cups? So we then got 3 x medium soft drinks and 3 x soft drinks served in fucking coffee cups!
I actually wonder how businesses manage to run with the sheer incompetence that is displayed by these mother fuckers.
And to top it off I reckon they may well have played football with the chicken, because the following morning I could have shit through the eye of a fucking needle.
Fuck you KFC, fuck you in the eye.
Fairly easy order right? Well no, no it fucking wasn't, because as soon as you present your bank card they FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE-THRU.
It's like they play an unintentional game of Chinese whispers. What you say gets passed down a line where it becomes so fucking warped and distorted by the time you collect your order you're not sure whether you'll get your food or an elephant leg umbrella stand or three tickets to fucking Les Miserable.
So what did I get??? Well let me tell you, it wasn't even close to what I ordered.
The fillet box meal came with a drumstick instead of a thigh, the beans were in an espresso cup, yup beans, I mean they look similar to gravy, right? They had run out of Pepsi max cherry and it was all served in a bag as they had run out of boxes.
The boneless banquet meals came with no pepsi max cherry, 1 x gravy, 1 x beans (both in espresso cups) NO sweet chilli dip and served in a bag.
The Zinger tower burger came out with no fucking tower! My hash brown was completely missing, it was more a fucking bungalow burger, oh and it was missing the 'Zinger' part too because it just had mayo.
On the plus side they did manage to get the large popcorn chicken right, even though it was served in two small boxes because they had run out of large boxes too. Oh and did I mention that they had also run out of large cups? So we then got 3 x medium soft drinks and 3 x soft drinks served in fucking coffee cups!
I actually wonder how businesses manage to run with the sheer incompetence that is displayed by these mother fuckers.
And to top it off I reckon they may well have played football with the chicken, because the following morning I could have shit through the eye of a fucking needle.
Fuck you KFC, fuck you in the eye.
