Q: Where the fuck have you been?
A: Well basically I had a bit of a nervous/mental hiccup, it really knocked me for six and really stifled my ability to be an actual arsehole.
Q: Did you die?
A: Clearly not, you fucking wally.
Q: Are you back or back back?
A: I am so fucking back it hurts! I am basically feeling like a new person, full of disrespect, anger and a liberal sprinkling of spite.
Q: How do you manage to always look so ruggedly handsome?
A: Witchcraft.
Q: Do you ever offend anybody?
A: Nahhhhhh......
So now we have cleared that up, I guess it is time for me to dive headfirst into the bullshit that is...... EYEBROWS! Yes, most of us have them, yes some people have lost them, I am not focusing on the ins and outs of the furry face caterpillars, I am simply aiming my rage at the women who seem to think it is acceptable to try and outshine Ming the fucking Merciless from the movie Flash Gordon.
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So first up, meet Ming. ruler of the planet Mongo and general all around bad ass.
Pretty sure you'll agree he fucking rocks those eyebrows! But then of course he would, he can control climates of distant planets, cause earthquakes and volcanoes, and generally fuck up what was otherwise a perfectly normal Monday. So we agree that he has earned them right? Good!
Dave's eyebrow rating 10/10 Hail Ming!
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You know who hasn't earned the right to appear to be in a permanent state of surprise? This fucking imbecile!
I mean What. The. Actual. Fuck? I'm almost at a loss for words..... But thankfully not completely. Who advised this wally that having the international symbol for a water park tattooed onto her forehead was a good idea? I mean you could forgive her if she had drawn them on, but they look like they are there for the duration.
"Hey Barbara, you know what would look really cool?"
"What?"
"We could tattoo a couple of hump back bridges onto your slap, you'd be the envy of everybody!"
Dave's eyebrow rating 3/10 But mummy why is the water park closed?
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Next up I present you with tragedy number 2, the sharpie brow experiment. By experiment I mean failure.
Let's ignore (if at all possible) the fact that her face has the shape of a misshapen potato, the fact that her eyes are so close together she could legally be declared a cyclops and that spot on her chin that is the size of China.
Oh fuck it, I can't pretend that I am going to have anything positive to say....... You look like a fucking disaster, when I said earlier that all women have something beautiful about them I hadn't actually found this image. She looks like a fucking Sontaran from doctor who!
You can even make out the fact that she started at the inner point of her brow and held the pen there too long because the ink has begun to spread a little.
Dave's eyebrow rating 2/10 I really want a baked potato for dinner now... Sontar ha!
Is it possible for eyebrows to have an eating disorder? I mean these are so thin that Oxfam have started an urgent public appeal to send rice and clean water to them! I'm not sure if this young lady is sad, depressed or actually just feeling smug as to how awesome she *thinks* she looks......... Somebody buy those brows some junk food!
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I hesitate to critique this next young lady as it appears she has enough issues already, she looks that miserable that her face is trying to slowly sneak away from her skull after striking a deal with gravity, but then again...... fuck it.
Is it possible for eyebrows to have an eating disorder? I mean these are so thin that Oxfam have started an urgent public appeal to send rice and clean water to them! I'm not sure if this young lady is sad, depressed or actually just feeling smug as to how awesome she *thinks* she looks......... Somebody buy those brows some junk food!
Dave's eyebrow rating 1/10 Please donate just £3 per month to help nourish these pathetic brows.
This next errrr.... entry, has clearly decided that labour saving is of vital importance during her beauty regime.
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This next errrr.... entry, has clearly decided that labour saving is of vital importance during her beauty regime.
Two, is almost always better than one... Unless you are counting stab wounds, sexually transmitted infections or the number of cats found in your chicken chow mein.
This lady however seems to disagree, she has decided that one eyebrow is clearly the way forward as it cuts down on maintenance time. Why she has drawn an extra eyebrow around her mouth also escapes me entirely, but hey as long as she is happy being single and ridiculed... all power to her.
This lady however seems to disagree, she has decided that one eyebrow is clearly the way forward as it cuts down on maintenance time. Why she has drawn an extra eyebrow around her mouth also escapes me entirely, but hey as long as she is happy being single and ridiculed... all power to her.
Dave's monobrow rating 0/10 stop being fucking lazy!
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I really struggle to see what these women think they are doing..... at some point I am sure they thought their plan was sound, that they had a chance of making themselves look like a goddess, but I'll be honest if I saw them in the street I'd immediately call for a priest, a bible and a large bottle of fucking holy water!
I know that some people will think I am being a bully with my comments of these special folk, well my message to you is I am sorry.......
........Sorry that you are such a fucking precious little snowflake, now take a good look at yourself in the mirror, slap yourself in the chops and grow a pair. These goons chose to put these horror show pictures on the Internet, and therefore should be prepared to take the public backlash that comes with it.
So ladies, sometimes less is more, and on the rare occasion that more is better might I suggest that your more is not the same as these ladies more.
Sorry for abandoning you for so long,
Dave xx
P.s I already have my next blog lined up, so it should be less than a week before you are forced to click 'I don't want to see this' on Facebook again.
I know that some people will think I am being a bully with my comments of these special folk, well my message to you is I am sorry.......
........Sorry that you are such a fucking precious little snowflake, now take a good look at yourself in the mirror, slap yourself in the chops and grow a pair. These goons chose to put these horror show pictures on the Internet, and therefore should be prepared to take the public backlash that comes with it.
So ladies, sometimes less is more, and on the rare occasion that more is better might I suggest that your more is not the same as these ladies more.
Sorry for abandoning you for so long,
Dave xx
P.s I already have my next blog lined up, so it should be less than a week before you are forced to click 'I don't want to see this' on Facebook again.
