But there is also another side to it, the side that everybody hates, but most people refuse to speak out about. Well fear not my friends, I give literally 'zero fucks' when it comes to political correctness or hurting peoples feelings. So with little further to do, and next to no more pointless filler, let's jump straight in, what do you think? We'll start small......
Selfies!
Yes I know I've spoken about them before, and I know that I took a shit ton of them myself a while back, but the ones I am talking about are the women with 16 inch deep makeup on. You know the ones I am talking about, if they got caught up in a botched robbery and were shot in the face the only thing to be hurt would be the innocent bystander that got hit by the bullet that ricocheted off of their concealer, foundation, bronzer and whatever the fuck else they cake on in the name of beauty.
Not only that, but the fucking eyebrows! They are not on point, fleek or anything else that sounds fucking retarded they are drawn on with a fucking permanent marker! If god intended you to look forever surprised he'd have made them naturally look like a cross between a slug and Ming the fucking Merciless. I've got news for you, most of you don't even need makeup, I know I'll get ridiculed for saying this, but you're perfectly acceptable, even beautiful without it. Most men (at least the ones who AREN'T shallow arseholes) will tell you that who you are beats what you look like 9 times out of 10. And if you're truly that ugly then use a bag not makeup, because Max Factor can't fix everything, sometimes you're just terrifying looking, I'm sorry.
And before I move on, if you're going to pull a moody face, please refrain from the 'duck face' or 'trout pout' as it doesn't make you look cool, edgy, beautiful or appealing, it makes you look like an animal that shits on the riverbank while people watch or an animal that ugly that even vegetarians will eat you, because they fucking hate you too. You look like you need to evacuate your bowels (that's posh talk for need a massive shit)
We don't need to know what you look like every 30 seconds because we are friends, I have a pretty good memory, and if I have seen you before I will remember your face. there's no point in taking a picture of yourself in Disneyland, Rome, Australia or anywhere fucking else if all we can see is your fucking face! Take pictures of the place you've visited, that is far more interesting! If you just snap a picture of yourself you may as well pre-take them all in your bathroom before you go away and leave your phone/camera in the fucking hotel room!
And if you're taking a 'mirror' selfie try to hold the phone away from your fucking face, all we can see is your clothing, just send us a link to the garment in a fucking catalogue, it'll look better.
Sympathy posts!
Right, I know we all deserve a little sympathy, and that sits well with me, but don't fucking beg for it! If you post that you're ugly, not worthy of others time, or just piss and whine at the fact you're not the centre of everybody else's universe I have news for you..... YOU'RE FUCKING NOT ! ! ! If I see another person fishing for compliments by saying they are ugly or stupid I am going to fucking lose it, I'll tell you exactly what all of your other friends are thinking but don't want to offend you by saying. If you think you're ugly, that's your problem. If nobody likes you maybe it is because you bang on about nobody liking you. Just be yourself, have a laugh and use social media for what god intended..... Stalking fit women.
Viral questions!
How many squares do you see? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK! ! !
A man and woman have 4 daughters........ WELL GOOD FOR THEM, EXTRA TAX CREDITS!!!
98% of you will get this wrong! SO 2% WILL GET IT RIGHT, FUCKING PESSIMIST!!!
Type 1 and like this post to see what happens! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN, YOU'LL MAKE PEOPLE HATE YOU, AND POSSIBLY TRY TO DISEMBOWEL THEMSELVES WITH A TEASPOON TO AVOID EVER HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!
If I told you that every time you commented on one of these an orphan died you'd probably still do it, not because you're spiteful, but because you want to prove how clever you are. Well I have news for you, you're not half as clever as the spotty virgin who lives in his parents basement and gets 1.5 MILLION gullible twerps to like, share and comment on a page that will then have its name changed and have millions of people liking a company they didn't even know existed. But well done, you can now pat yourself on the back and tell everybody that you answered a really simple question, HIGH FIVE ! ! !
Game requests!
Everybody likes a good game right? I mean for a week or two I was hooked on Candy crush and a few other games, but you know what? I tried my hardest to disable invites and requests, because I was getting about 100 a day from people who like to play a game on their phone while they sit down on the shitter to drop the kids off at the pool.
X, Y or Z needs a fucking corn on the cob, a fucking extra life or some building materials...... No what they will need is a doctor with small hands to remove their fucking device from the darkest corner of their fucking poopchute if they keep messaging me asking for help!
Tagging!
Great, you're on your 19th holiday of the year, I'm pleased for you, you earn good money, or save hard and therefore deserve it. But on the flip side burglars love the fact you've announced to the world that you've left your home empty.... it makes it so much easier to rob.
Hash tagging is another fucking thing that is being completely overcooked! I mean fine, if there's a relevant hash tag then go for it, but this.....
#river #duck #tree #grass #fish #icecream #pub #lunch #ham #egg #chips #coke #nofilter is unacceptable.
so #womble #nobodycares #stopnow #yesthereisafuckingfilter #die
So, just think about what you say and do, it's great that the world has a means of socially interacting with people you can't regularly meet up with. But when all you do is post the same shit every 45 minutes they probably just want to kill you.
Love you.
