It's an easy enough question, but one I never need to ask myself.... I KNOW I am! But the question remains..... are you?
I have my opinion of you, as does everybody else, but in your head you think everybody loves you right? I've got news for you folks, at least half of the people you know have thought of a way to kill you and conceal your body at least once.
Let me give you a quick example based on what I saw this morning.
Exhibit A.
Skin tight jogging bottoms on men, I mean what fucking idiot woke up one day and thought "I know! I'll wear a pair of joggers so short and tight that people will be able to see what I ate for breakfast via a visual rectal examination.
You don't look good, you don't look trendy, you look fucking poor. You need to pop yourself along to Skidmark's and buy yourself a pair that fucking fit.
Exhibit B.
Trainers the size of three seater sofas. If your shoes are big enough to provide a comfortable home for 6 refugees they are too fucking big, I know you want the world to see the word NIKE emblazoned across them but all we see is another 4 letter word beginning with 'C', and let me give you a hint, it isn't cool. Today I witnessed a lad walking down the street that should have 44" calf muscles because of the effort it took to lift his feet off of the ground each time he took a fucking step.
It's not just the fact they are massive either, they are usually the colour of dog vomit, and have been worn for that long they have that flappy sole you expect to see on a tramps shoe.
Exhibit C.
A hoody, again, like the trousers, or pants as fucking weird people call them, that is far too small. I can see your fucking ribs through the fabric, you clearly need a cheeseburger or two, and a bigger top you twat. Even the hood is too small to put over your bulbous fucking noggin. It looks like somebody has put a skull cap on the worlds largest flesh coloured watermelon, you look like an idiot.
Exhibit D.
The way you walk. Unless you have just been sexually assaulted by a large marrow or have testicles the size of beach balls, might I suggest that you don't walk with your stupidly large shoes three fucking feet apart. It doesn't look like you're a gangster, it looks like you've just shit yourself.
Exhibit E.
Oversized headphones. We get it, you're listening to 'music' (if you can call the shite they listen to music that is) but do we need to see that you are? Do we fuck....
You bowl down the street (still looking like you've shit yourself) but now you're doing some weird bouncy walk too, kind of like you're proud of your anal leakage.
I don't care what make your fucking headphones are, I can almost tolerate the fact you want me to know that they are 'Beats' by Dr fucking Dre, but what I struggle with is the fact that you turn your head to show me the letter B on them.
I'm not sure if you think I am in need of a Sesame street syle education, or you are just asking for me to mug you, but you look like a cock. But let us presume it's for education, thank you! I have learned a lot. Today's show is brought to you by the letter 'B' for Bellend, Bastard, Bitch and Bumhole.
Exhibit F.
The back to front backpack....
Self explanatory, if you wear it on your front you are a cunt. Wow, look at that I busted a rhyme like Dr Dre!
You walk along fishing out random shit like a pot of Dairylea dunkers, and it looks like some weird fucking c-section.
Don't. Fucking. Do. It.
So that brings to an end an in depth example of the arsehole I saw this morning...... But I hear you saying "I don't have any of those items of clothing or traits!
Something you do, no matter how small, will piss somebody off. They will envision your body dissolving in an oil drum of acid after having been beaten to death with some form of wrench.
Conclusion.
We are all arseholes, I just happen to be less of one than you ;)
