Social media (and more)

Bad English!


Why? Just fucking why?

It is your native fucking tongue, the words you should use to effectively converse with people, convey your requirements or feelings and generally be useful in the world. It's something we are taught by our parents from a young age, and then by our various schools as we drift towards adulthood.

So why is it that so many people in this country are so fucking bad at it?I have heard better English from the migrants in Calais than I see typed on Facebook on a daily basis, I swear to God it is unfathomable how bad people can be at speaking or writing the Queen's English.

I am far from perfect in my spelling and grammar, but at least I have a basic understanding of words, how and when to use them and even how to spell them correctly. But some of the oxygen thieves we have roaming our rolling green landscapes and financial powerhouse cities is nothing short of gobsmacking.


The App

I am currently looking into developing an app that will hopefully rid us of a few thousand mouth breathers overnight, it is called the spelling isis(t). The premise is simple, the app sits on your tablet, phone or computer and when you log in to a social media app you are confronted by the following screen.

This app will be the saviour of the English language, and you can thank me later. The idea is simple, once isis(t) is added to your phone it is impossible to delete, each attempt will apply another question to the social media unlock screen.

Once you tap your Facebook or Twitter icon the spelling isis(t) will spring into life and inform you that you must pass a basic English test to continue sharing your utter fucking drivel on social media, the shit that makes people want to kill you. And if you're questioning whether this app is aimed at people like you...... it probably is.

The questions will be similar to the following:

Q1) Insert the correct word into the following sentence, choose from there, they're or their
I will be _____ shortly, have they got ____ money for the drugs they want?

Q2) Insert the correct word into the following sentence, choose from his, He's or hes.
Do you have ___ phone number? I'd like to phone him about a pitbull he is selling.

Q3) please solve the following anagram
muoth braether

Q4) What does the following word mean.....?
'Fraud', is it:
A) Something you eat.
B) Something that happens to clothes when they wear thin.
C) The way you 'earn' more money than somebody who works because you milk the fuck out of the benefit system.


Once you answer 3 correct questions your social media account will open and you'll be free to share with the world what colour pants you have on, how many times your child has been sick out of his/her nose or what you're having for fucking dinner.

If you fail however, a message is sent to the local terrorist organisation who will visit your house and cut your hands off, this will render your fucking bullshit spouting days over in a heartbeat.


As I said, you're welcome.



The day I blamed a child!

So.... I was working the other week, and I had a bad stomach ache. It was early in the day so there weren't many customers around so I thought I might be able to squeeze out a cheeky bottom burp. Just as I was about to 'let it go' a young lad walked down the area I was in and stood quite close to me.

Unfortunately the launch procedure had already been initiated and there was no abort code in sight so I decided I just had to go with it. I can't even lie, it was fairly loud and had the consistency of a lumpy spectral custard. The child looked at me in utter disgust, I looked at him with a face that was half apology and half pride, and then a voice roared from round the corner.

Mumzilla: "JAAAAAAMES, You disgusting little boy!"

Poor James: "But mum......"

Mumzilla: "But mum nothing, you make me want to be sick!"

I did feel briefly guilty that this poor lad had been berated by his incredibly scary mother, so I quickly considered my options.

Me: "Don't be too hard on him, sometimes it is unavoidable".

James looked me up and down and as he made eye contact with me shot me a look that will never leave me, I actually think that in years to come he might see me walking down the street and mow me down in his Vauxhall Nova.

Skidmark!

Hi, How's it going? I'm asking this like I can hear your reply, but I clearly can't.

Been a while since I posted as to be honest I don't have a very interesting life right now, but I do have an interesting tale of how I farted in a supermarket and the child next to me got the blame from his mother, I'll finish that off in the next day or two and stick it online for you all to read or ignore.

Please read to the bottom this time, I have a plug for a friend and I would really appreciate it if you took the time to go and check out what they do.

Much love,

Dave x x x


A comic book costs HOW MUCH?


Katie wanted to go to Forbidden planet, that was fine as I like that shop, it brings out the inner nerd in me and brings back memories of travelling into Cambridge for college with Paul Cowley (will come back to him later) and sneaking off for a two hour lunch to go to laser quest and peruse the X files posters with the rather lovely Gillian Anderson looking all fit.

I learned very quickly that being a nerd is fucking expensive! It was thirteen quid for a glorified comic book, thirteen fucking quid! I think the Beano used to cost me like 30p or something. How these nerds can afford their hobby whilst never leaving their parents basement is a mystery up there with the Bermuda triangle, the Loch Ness monster and the truth behind the Roswell incident. A series of 5 comics will set me back a whopping £65! I don't spend that much on keeping my wife sweet in a year, let alone on 5 books full of drawings!

I enquired as to whether they might be willing to accept a vital organ in part payment but the lord of the nerds in charge of the till just peered out from behind a pair of impossibly thick glasses that would probably have stopped a photon torpedo dead in its tracks. He didn't say a word, not a bloody peep and that was it, Kelly handed over my bank card and I was slightly poorer. I wasn't happy, but the shop monkey was a ginger and I could feel him slowly robbing my soul so I decided to cut my losses.

Please don't get me wrong, it is a GREAT shop, I am just a tight fisted bastard!

At this point Kelly dropped a bombshell, I should have seen it coming but I didn't.



Primark is shit


Kelly: "I just want to pop in to PRIMARK"

Me: "ok"...... "Errrrrr wait.... WHAT?"

Kelly: "I just want to pop in and look for some shorts and a few T-shirts for Katie"

And that, is how to piss me off within 20 or so words. Primark, or as I like to call it SKIDMARK is a stain on society. I am not going to slam everybody that uses skidmark, because we do, but I found the experience utterly horrifying and I will not be rushing to return.

The place is Bedlam, there are people grabbing clothes off of shelves holding them up to inspect them and throwing them on the floor if they didn't meet expectation, on the fucking floor! I mean have a little dignity, I know the company provides cheap clothing, but somebody might want to buy that 9p bra you just flung to the ground.

It was however an opportunity to partake in a fascinating period of people watching. There is a real diverse cross section of people that use the store, and as I would never tar all people with the same brush I broke them down into categories.

Category 1: A normal person... decently dressed and respectful of the products on the shelf. Will purchase better quality items that are more likely to fit and/or last.

Category 2: The Pat Butcher... Buys items of clothing that look like a cross between roadkill and vomit. Has a fondness for drinking Gin from the bottle while shopping and purchasing earrings that could set off a broken metal detector.

Category 3: The tramp... Walks in with a limp, has LOVE tattooed on left knuckles and HAT on the other because the little finger of the right hand was gnawed off by a bull mastiff whilst owner was hammered. Drops clothes on the floor, uses them to wipe their nose and generally acts like a mouth breathing oxygen thief.

We mostly encountered category 3 inmates today, they insisted on shouting at their children who were no more than 18 inches from their suck hole. CHARDONNAYYYYYYYYYYYYY GET OVER ERE, I FOUND A FUCKING DRESS THAT SHOULD FIT YOU, I KNOW YOU'RE ONLY 4 AND THIS IS A SIZE 22, BUT YOU'LL GROW INTO IT INNIT!

I honestly cannot picture a worse place to shop regularly, it has its place, some of their clothes are cool (Charlie LOVES their MARVEL stuff) but it is literally a free for all with people setting upon each other like sharks caught up in a feeding frenzy!

The place is a toilet, a massive massive toilet.


Well that's almost it but.......

Before I go I'd just like to come back to my mate Paul Cowley, he's a genuinely all round good egg and I have a lot of time for him. He along with a couple of his mates (Dave and Mark) produce a podcast called HOT WAMPA, it is related to all things Sci-Fi, especially Star Wars! They have a wealth of knowledge when it comes to their subject matter and are very light hearted and fun.

Go ahead and check it out on itunes, or go to their Facebook page Hot Wampa (make sure you like it!) and you'll be able to listen to them for free! Go take a listen, it may or may not be something that is right for you, but unless you listen how will you know?

Check it out, or the force will fucking hate you.

Peace out fools!