First up I'd like to wish all of my Irish and alcoholic friends a very happy St Patrick's day! I know very few of you need an excuse to get wasted, but today it is not only suggested but encouraged!
OK, now on to real world shit.
Tonight I took the family out for a bite to eat, I shouldn't have fucking bothered. You know it's going to be a bad night when you order 5 drinks and the waiter shoots you a look that makes you think you've asked him to describe the meaning of life. All I wanted was a Carlsberg, 2 cokes, a fruit shoot and a fucking lemonade, not the blueprints for a time machine drawing up and building.
I've seen Professor Steven Hawking write faster than this lad, and at the time old Hawk-o was holding the pen between his arse cheeks. Well eventually we got our drinks, although with the time it took you'd think he'd swum to the good ole' US of A for an original coke and a smile.
The waiter came to take our food order and glided off to the kitchen to fire up the microwave, I heard a couple of bleeps, dings and whistles that sounded akin to C3-PO being touched in his special place by Fred West, and that should have served as warning number 2.
I was hungrier than a Fox that was on hunger strike in protest of the price of Diesel, so I ordered the mixed grill. This, as most people who are true carnivores will testify is usually a caveman sized meal with enough meat to decimate an entire farm, but not this fucking one!
The mixed grill was described as the following:
- Half a chicken breast
- Gold award winning Lincolnshire sausage
- 4oz* Rump steak
- 5oz* Gammon steak
- Onion rings
- Fried egg
Now, this was entirely my fault I failed to notice the * next to the steak and gammon entries of the menu. This of course denotes that the aforementioned weight is UNCOOKED, I was about to be left more disappointed than Saddam Hussein when he was found hiding in a hole in the ground.
My plate was put down in front of me and I smiled, not a smile of joy, a smile that says 'fuck me, I've seen bigger and cheaper meals come out of Burger King' (See previous whinge) It did indeed contain everything listed on the menu, but let me give you my interpretation of the various elements.
- Half a chicken breast..... Yup, this was accurate, it was indeed half of a chicken breast, what they didn't specify is how big or small the fucking chicken was that donated the breast to my meal. The poor little bastard must have been less than a day old, I have seen more meat in a fucking chicken nugget.
- Gold award winning Lincolnshire sausage..... Yup, again accurate, however I can only assume that the award was not for the quality of meat but more likely for being the smallest sausages ever fucking made. It was so small I had to use a microscope to find the fucking thing.
- 4oz Rump steak..... 4 oz? are you for fucking real, I've given up more meat when I've had a nosebleed! 2oz of gristle and one quarter of an ounce of meat is a travesty.
Now, this was entirely my fault I failed to notice the * next to the steak and gammon entries of the menu. This of course denotes that the aforementioned weight is UNCOOKED, I was about to be left more disappointed than Saddam Hussein when he was found hiding in a hole in the ground.
My plate was put down in front of me and I smiled, not a smile of joy, a smile that says 'fuck me, I've seen bigger and cheaper meals come out of Burger King' (See previous whinge) It did indeed contain everything listed on the menu, but let me give you my interpretation of the various elements.
- Half a chicken breast..... Yup, this was accurate, it was indeed half of a chicken breast, what they didn't specify is how big or small the fucking chicken was that donated the breast to my meal. The poor little bastard must have been less than a day old, I have seen more meat in a fucking chicken nugget.
- Gold award winning Lincolnshire sausage..... Yup, again accurate, however I can only assume that the award was not for the quality of meat but more likely for being the smallest sausages ever fucking made. It was so small I had to use a microscope to find the fucking thing.
- 4oz Rump steak..... 4 oz? are you for fucking real, I've given up more meat when I've had a nosebleed! 2oz of gristle and one quarter of an ounce of meat is a travesty.
- 5oz Gammon steak..... This must have come from the little piggy that went wee wee wee wee all the way home, it was close to non existent. I think that this meal could have been served as a vegetarian option because the 9 chips on my plate dwarfed the flesh I was eager to rip into.
- Onion rings..... I have just realised that the bastards didn't even put the onion rings on my fucking plate! I thought you couldn't miss what you never had....... That saying is a fucking lie, a plain and bare faced lie.
- Onion rings..... I have just realised that the bastards didn't even put the onion rings on my fucking plate! I thought you couldn't miss what you never had....... That saying is a fucking lie, a plain and bare faced lie.
- Fried egg..... By now I have all but given up. 2 words........ Quail egg.
My meal was gone within 3 minutes due to it being so small, but at least I had dessert, or at least I thought I did.
first out came a kid's ice cream for Charlie, he was happier than a pig in poo, then came 3 portions of chocolate fudge cake, one each for Kelly, Katie and Harry. Kelly ordered hers cold, it came hot, but hers were the least of our pudding related problems.
I ordered the Victoria trifle, it sounded amazing and I started to drool at the prospect of something to eat after my starter of a main course.
The dessert was described as follows:
A Victoria sponge topped with Strawberry jam, Custard Syllabub and clotted cream mousse, finished with toasted flaked almonds and served with Cornish vanilla ice cream. Tell me that doesn't sound fucking incredible! OK I haven't got a scooby what Syllabub is, I'd have guessed at it being a common Turkish surname, in fact I am sure I have heard the guy at the Kebab house call his mate Mehmet Syllabub.
I waited, and I waited and I waited a little longer. Everybody else had finished their dessert and stared across the table at me like I was the odd one out. It never came, not a bastard thing, I was looking forward to that more than a holiday in Florida but I was left more disappointed than a blind man who thought he could see but turned out to just be having a dream.
I am sat here typing this with tears streaming down my face, I want the world to come to and end so other people know my sorrow.
I'm off to write a nice letter to the company that own the restaurant, if I can make it rude enough I'll post it on here later in the week.
The world sucks.
My meal was gone within 3 minutes due to it being so small, but at least I had dessert, or at least I thought I did.
first out came a kid's ice cream for Charlie, he was happier than a pig in poo, then came 3 portions of chocolate fudge cake, one each for Kelly, Katie and Harry. Kelly ordered hers cold, it came hot, but hers were the least of our pudding related problems.
I ordered the Victoria trifle, it sounded amazing and I started to drool at the prospect of something to eat after my starter of a main course.
The dessert was described as follows:
A Victoria sponge topped with Strawberry jam, Custard Syllabub and clotted cream mousse, finished with toasted flaked almonds and served with Cornish vanilla ice cream. Tell me that doesn't sound fucking incredible! OK I haven't got a scooby what Syllabub is, I'd have guessed at it being a common Turkish surname, in fact I am sure I have heard the guy at the Kebab house call his mate Mehmet Syllabub.
I waited, and I waited and I waited a little longer. Everybody else had finished their dessert and stared across the table at me like I was the odd one out. It never came, not a bastard thing, I was looking forward to that more than a holiday in Florida but I was left more disappointed than a blind man who thought he could see but turned out to just be having a dream.
I am sat here typing this with tears streaming down my face, I want the world to come to and end so other people know my sorrow.
I'm off to write a nice letter to the company that own the restaurant, if I can make it rude enough I'll post it on here later in the week.
The world sucks.
