Well first of all let me get the pleasantries out of the way. I wish you, your family and your friends a very happy new year. I mean that too, some people will have had a great 2013, others will have had a truly shitty one (Like us for example).
Now lets get down to business, as Big Ben struck out those thunderous bongs there was a happy, calm dare I say it almost normal feeling in our house. It's not often we can say that!
Kelly, Katie and my nephew Harry all stayed up to see in the new year, Kelly was roped into playing some form of dog racing betting game, she looked ready to kill or be killed long before it had finished. I managed to dodge this bullet and instead settled down in front of the TV for a few games on the XBOX.
Before I knew it a couple of hours had passed, the missus made some shoddy excuse about being tired and skulked off to bed, with the kids not far behind her. I continued playing Battlefield 4 for a little while, but just as I started to feel tired I heard some curious voices permeating the wall of our house.
At this point I would warn you that if you are of a sensitive nature you may not wish to continue, but who are you kidding, there's no way you're going to stop reading this now, is there?
The voices started off muted at first, you know what I mean I'm sure, a raised voice but kept hushed because the conversation/argument hasn't properly developed. Within minutes the dial had been turned a couple of notches and I could hear the voices more clearly.......
Man: You, my mum, my dad and everyone else for that matter are ruining my fucking lives (I did briefly ponder how many lives one person could have, but then I came to the conclusion he was possibly half cat)
Woman:: How have we ruined your fackin' life?
Man: You just can't stand..... mmmmmffff...mmmffffffff........ fackin' let it go can you?
Woman: Just calm down...
At this point there was a lot of banging, 4 or 5 really loud bangs, and then a splintering, smashing type of sound. I assume he punched through a cupboard door, what a fucking macho man!
Man: Well you can all fack right off, I'll just fucking kill myself!
Woman: What are you talking about, there's no need to be so fackin' stupid, you ain't gonna do shit.
Man: I will! I'll fucking kill myself!
Man: I'm not fackin' scared to do it, I'll fackin' kill myself!
Woman: No you won't, just calm down!
Man: Pack your bags and get out of my house, I want you gone, the lot of you just GO!
There was a lot of slamming of doors, more screaming and shouting (outside now) and then silence, golden, blissful silence. Now I was going to go out and tell them to knock their shit off, or I'd do it for them, but for some reason (I can't think of why) I decided to not get involved in somebody else's domestic strop.
But this posed a dilemma, what the hell am I supposed to do to ensure this shit never happens again? I decided that I'd write a nice polite letter, tell me what you think....... You can either reply on this blog (comments below this thread) or drop me a facebook message of some kind. Well here's what I planned on writing.
Dear neighbours,
We haven't met yet, I know you moved in a couple of weeks ago, but our paths have not yet crossed. It's lovely to finally hear your voices, and I can't wait to put a face to them.
I'd just like to thank you for including us in your 3:30am discussion about your mother and father ruining your life. I've never felt so at ease with a stranger than I did this evening as cups, saucers, tables and chairs rained against the other side of my dining room wall.
I particularly liked the bit where you said you'd kill yourself, it was a real high point of the evening as we ushered in a new start. Please let me share a little secret with you...... If you EVER bang and crash around like that again, you won't need to contemplate suicide, because I will kick your fucking door in, drag you into the street, cut your tongue out and staple it to your fucking forehead.
Don't make idle threats, if you want to die, then my dear neighbour just go for it. I am fairly sure that the world will not miss one more knuckle dragging oxygen thief.
I have phoned the Jeremy Kyle show, but without a few more details he's not willing to give you a slot on his show, so can you please provide me with the following information that I can pass on.
1 - Are you the father of your girlfriend's baby?
2 - Are you unemployed?
3 - Do you smoke copious amounts of weed or crack? If not are you willing to start so you can fail the obligatory drug test?
4 - Have you ever hit a woman?
5 - Are you willing to be told to 'put something on the end of it' and stop reproducing?
Once you have supplied these details I am sure Jezza can make some form of soap opera out of your fucking shambles of a family life.
You woke up my children, you woke up my wife and you annoyed the life out of me, so I warn you once more, DO NOT EVER, EVER, EEEEEVER pull that shit again, or I will shovel enough fucking pills down your gullet that you'll feel like a goose shortly before its liver is ripped out of it's fucking warm carcass to make foie gras.
Please find attached 12 packets of aspirin, 12 packets of ibuprofen, 12 packets of paracetamol and a carton of Um Bongo (They drink it in the Congo) If you should ever feel the cage rage building and another handbag waving fight is looking likely, I'd appreciate it if you start guzzling the pills down like a fat kid with a bag of skittles. I'll be there to make sure you swallow the lot, and if you start to feel a little full up I will gladly force the rest of them down your pie hole with a cricket bat. This way my children won't sit there worried that the fucking wall is going to cave in and I won't have to listen to you.
Alternatively you could use them to cure the thumping great big hangover and embarrassment that you'll be feeling after last nights twattishness.
Once again, great to make your acquaintance, I look forward to quiet neighbourly barbecue's in the summer, and building nice snowmen in the winter.
Kind regards,
Dave
So should I send it or not? I don't really care as I don't know them, I don't care about them and if they take exception to what I write then I can punch him in the throat and claim self defense.
2014 already sucks and it's only 5 hours old!
I'm now off to get something to eat, as I haven't eaten since last year!
Much love, Thanks for reading and once more I hope you have a joyous, prosperous and very, very happy new year.
