Well, I have been trying to keep the rage in the cage....... But today a simple phone call from a fella in India undid it all. It came undone like England's top order batsmen in the cricket, fell apart at the seams like a cheap Chinese car.
I have made great strides lately in combating my anger, I haven't shouted anyone down properly nor have I felt the need to repeatedly bash a persons head against a wall until their leg falls off. I needed to get it under control, it was consuming me and that could only be bad for other people.
So I was sat at home looking through last weekends wedding photographs we took and the phone rang......
Me: Good morning Sterling photography, David speaking.
Rajesh: Hello may I please be speakings with the owner of the business?
Me: You are.
Rajesh: Oh fantastic! I am calling to.....
Me: I don't want to buy advertising, cheap internet, cheap mobile phone contracts or your mothers Nissan Cherry.
Rajesh: Well sir, this is not why I am callings so I think we will be getting along just fine now.
Me: Right, what are you calling for then?
Rajesh: Well Mr Cox, I have some great news! This phone call will save you £70 a year!
Me: My name is Mr Powell........
Rajesh: Oh well never mind this is Mr Cox loss then no?
Me: Actually mate I imagine Mr Cox (whoever the fuck he may be) is sitting eating his lunch whilst chuckling at the fact some poor fucker named Mr Powell is getting his bullshit telemarketing calls.
Rajesh: Ok, the reason I am callings is this...... I can save you all this money on your landline telephone line rental, isn't this amazings?
Me: Not really, I told you I'm not interested in phone contracts.
Rajesh: But you said mobile phones!
This was the point I snapped, If you've ever seen the point in Me, Myself and Irene where Jim Carrey wigs out for the first time (in the supermarket) you'll be able to picture the scene. My eyelid flickered, a painful pulsing sensation shot from the top of my spine into my brain and I got cramp in my little toe.
I tried to suppress the rage by biting the telephone receiver but it was all in vain, this poor unsuspecting individual was whipping himself up a shitstorm and there was nowhere for him to take cover.
Me: Do yourself a favour pal and fuck off, then when you've got there walk a little fucking further until you've fucked right off.
Rajesh: But I can sav..........
Me: I can save you 5 minutes of your time, I am not interested, fuck off.
Rajesh: I can see from my records that you are currently paying BT £13............
Me: Listen fucktard, I am not with B fucking T, I have never even been with fucking BT.
Rajesh: I can assure you that you are!
Wow, this guy really has me going now, I am snarling like a fucking mountain lion down the phone with flecks of spittle turning my monitor screen into something that looked like an LSD induced rainbow hallucination.
Me: RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT WITH BT, I AM WITH FUCKING VIRGIN FUCKING MEDIA SO WILL YOU PLEASE JUST FUCK OFF!
Rajesh: Ok but I can get you the line rental for just £5.95 per month for 6 months!
Me: I can get you killed for 75 rupees and a fucking mars bar, now FUCK OFF!
I was happy today, now I am not..... why must these people talk to me? Going to have a hot chocolate and an afternoon nap in the hope that the vein in my temple will go down and stop throbbing.
