Hi, most people reading this will know me in some way, shape or form. You'll know that I can be rude, arrogant, spiteful and self righteous BUT I'd like to think that's less often nowadays than it used to be.
So now I'm going to jump on my high horse and have a proper rant, and I don't know if you'll believe this but it all began in my favourite place on earth (besides Domino's pizza) that place being Tesco. Being the nice guy I am I took my dear old mum shopping this afternoon, I needed some bits and pieces too so off we went. It doesn't take long for that place to get my back up, and today was record time as at the roundabout in front of the store some bald fat mug in a renault decided to pull out in front of me.
He reminded me of a shaved Donkey Kong in a ridiculously small Go-Kart, His bingo wings preventing him from getting his elbows below Moobs height as his pudgy bastard hands sweatily gripped the steering wheel. I hope to god he isn't reading this though because he really did look like he'd stab his own gran for a Steak and Kidney pie.
We spent a good 10 minutes looking for a parking space, 90% of the spaces in Ely Tesco car park appear to be for blue badge holders, who for some reason all seem to be fucking billionaires..... They all drive fancy cars that look like they cost a fortune, I guess the no win no fee lawyers really do work!
Once we'd found a space that didn't have an abandoned trolley in it we pulled up and slowly trudged towards the entrance of that god forsaken store, I can only imagine that at this point the feeling of utter dread in my heart is akin to a death row inmate being led through the doors into the electric chair chamber. I walked with my head bowed thinking if I couldn't see the mass scrum of local web toed weirdo's that they wouldn't really exist, this theory was exposed as bullshit within seconds as a local woman with more teeth in her pocket than her mouth rammed her trolley into my hip using the force of all three of her freakishly muscly arms. My heart rate was rocketing, I was getting that rage already..... Thank goodness I'm not the Hulk or there would have been some mean green retribution laid down all over the bitch and her trolley.
Next problem came in the shape of our 'new, improved and redesigned store' YOU LYING BASTARDS! New and improved should be investigated by trading bloody standards! Nothing is new, they have moved everything to stupid places that no one can find and added more aisles to the store to ensure we are all trapped in the shop for as long as possible while Mavis and the rest of her blue rinse bingo buddies stand discussing their husbands most recent bowel movement.
These old folk should be fitted with a shock collar, if they stop for longer than 30 seconds, mention the words Bread, price, lemonade, piles or bus passes in any combination or run over my toes we can push a button on our trolley handle that sends a high voltage shock to their wrinkly necks.
As if this isn't bad enough I now come to the main reason I am writing tonight. I walked around the corner contemplating Frank's piles and I walked past these 2 lads, they are talking to each other (by means of a series of grunting noises) and scratching their arses. I couldn't help overhear their diatribe..... This is how it went:
Mong 1: My mum is such a fucking whore.
Mong2: Why, what's she fucking done now?
Mong 1: She won't buy me a fucking PS3 for fucking Christmas, I fucking hate her.
Mong 2: That's fucking well ahhhht of order maaaaaaaate.
Mong 1: I can't wait to fucking move out and get a place of my own!!!!..................
Now I'd imagine that at this point you'd be thinking what rude kids, only they weren't actually technically kids anymore, I imagine that they were around 19 or 20 years old and the sort of people that will struggle to even gain employment as a lab rat. The language coming out of their mouths was unacceptable, and I was in 2 minds as to whether to pull them on it when I stopped, took a deep breath..... and carried on walking.
I was so proud of myself, I mean don't get me wrong I was still picturing gutting one of them with a little corn on the cob holder I had seen in aisle 9 and beating the other to death with a large potted Poinsettia,but I think I have finally realised that my poor, timid little mum and her religious beliefs would have had a seizure as she came back from picking up her box of corn flakes (Tim, I know she shouldn't eat that shit, but she's old and it's her one remaining comfort!) to see her beloved son drenched in mong blood.
I really wanted to grab these plebs and shake the sense into them but I think Tesco is my kryptonite
I never used to spare much thought for people in foreign countries because they were out of sight, out of mind but as I have grown up I have become a lot less ignorant to the wider world, the truth is we have no idea how good we've got it in general. We have houses, we have Ipods, ipads, mobile phones, laptops, blu-ray players, games consoles and more food than we ever seem to be able to eat. Yet still we can so easily become wrapped up in what we can't have we forget what we do have and what other people can never even consider having in their lives. They say charity begins at home, but do any of us truly need charity?
It is not the man who has little, it is the man who craves more who is poor.
I imagine we could learn so much from poor families who face a daily battle to survive, who watch their children literally starve to death in their arms. I used to think that if I had one wish I would wish to be a rich man, but recently I think my priorities have changed. If I could improve other peoples quality of life ahead of my own then I'd do it. My children will never go without anything they need and will be made to wait for what they want. To have that power makes me a truly lucky man.
If I don't blog again before the 25th I'd like to wish everyone a truly fantastic Christmas, full of love, peace and fulfilment. I hope all your wishes come true and if you have a spare 30 seconds just make a wish for those less fortunate than ourselves in this world.
Much love,
Dave.
